


Bellamy’s Bucket List

by Mae1209



Category: The 100
Genre: Bellamy/Echo/Roan, Explicit Sexual Content, Multi, Psychological Trauma, Rape/Non-con Elements, Slow Burn Bellamy Blake/Clarke Griffin, Threesome
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-09-30
Updated: 2020-07-05
Packaged: 2020-11-08 03:17:27
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 19
Words: 46,723
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20828510
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Mae1209/pseuds/Mae1209
Summary: Set at the beginning of season 4. Bellamy having found out they may only have 6 months to live, decides to write and act on his bucket list.This is my first fanfic, any feedback would be appreciated.





	1. Chapter 1

“Clarke. You did it.” Bellamy declared as he looked at her with a smile on his face.

However Clarke looked anything but triumphant. In fact, she looked downright scared or troubled or something.

He looked her in the eyes and said “You’re not acting like someone who just saved the world”

Clarke looked straight ahead, avoiding his eyes “Because we didn’t” she answered and Bellamy’s heart sank.

Clarke then proceeded to tell him that the nuclear power plants were melting and that the earth’s surface will be uninhabitable within six months.

Bellamy swore under his breath. He couldn’t believe that after everything they went through to defeat Allie, the dangerous AI who’d enslaved most of the human race, they were going to die anyway.

Clarke looked around at the carnage Allie had caused in Polis. Bodies were scattered all over the ground. Everywhere she looked there were people crying from the pain of losing someone, or from their injuries or from the guilt of what they did to their loved ones.

She looked back at Bellamy and asked “How do we tell these people that the world is ending, after everything they’ve been through?”

Bellamy was aware that everyone has just regained control of their lives. Telling them now will only heap more misery on them.

“We don’t” he replied “Not until we know Allie was telling the truth”

“It is the truth” She stated adamantly.

Clarke was so sure, he could feel it but he didn’t want people panicking just yet “Still keep it to ourselves until we know what we’re dealing with and how to stop it.”

Clarke finally looked him in the eyes “You’re afraid of how people will react.”

He almost smirked trying to lighten the mood “Besides, I could use a break from keeping you alive.”

She nodded once.

“You gave them back their pain, Clarke. Let’s not add to it by telling them they’re gonna die in six months”

Bellamy’s next thought was to get their people safely back to Arcadia, away from Polis. The grounders were blaming them for unleashing Allie on them and he was sure that pretty soon, they will probably tear them apart if they stayed. The quicker they’re out of there the better.

He added “Once everyone is down, we go home, we get to work. We didn’t survive this long just to let a little radiation take us out” 

Clarke squeezed his hand “Thank you for keeping me alive” 

Bellamy smiled at her. He thought she’d finally say something about how she feels about him. He knew she trusted and respected him more than anyone else. He also knew that she would lay down her life to save his, just like he would for her.

She didn’t say anything, instead, she ran to help a woman who was wailing next to a dead male. 

“You don’t make it easy.” He said as he followed her, knowing that she would probably get into trouble. Again!

Once they returned to Polis, and Raven confirmed that the nuclear power plants were indeed melting, Clarke, Bellamy, Raven and Monty met to discuss options and agree on a course of action.

Monty suggested the Ark is their only viable solution which meant it needed to be fixed in order to house their people for the next six to ten years.

There was a lot to do in a short space of time. They had to organise people to work on the shields to combat the inevitable radiation from the melting plants. They also needed to organise hunting parties to hunt for food and water. They needed people in charge of safely and securely storing their food, medicine etc… and people to fix the living quarters, life support and communication on the Ark.

During the day, Bellamy was constantly on the move and had no time to think or reflect on their predicament. But late at night, when he was totally exhausted and yet unable to sleep, he was in despair. He knew that no matter what they did, people were going to die, and he would probably die as well.

He wasn’t afraid of dying, he’d been ready for it since they landed on earth. The threats they faced were constant and never ending.

First it was the grounder, who wanted them dead because they dared to land in their territory. Then it was the mountain men who wanted their blood and bone marrow to get immunity against radiation in order to live outside Mount Weather. Then it was Allie who wanted to enslave them all in the city of life. Which really amounted to mind control.

Even now, with them being accepted as the 13th clan, peace was not guaranteed. Trust was not yet earned and they lived in constant fear of being betrayed like they were under Lexa’s rule. On top of all that, they were likely to die in six months if they couldn’t fix the Ark or gather enough food and water.

What troubled him was the fact that he wanted to do so many things before he died. Things he didn’t or couldn’t do because of the constant threats they faced ever since they landed on the Earth. Things that he may never get to do now that they had less than six months to live.

One night, his mind was in overdrive, thinking about all the things he wanted to do before he died and whether he’d get a chance to do them.

He tossed and turned but, no matter what he did, he just could not sleep. In the end, he gave up trying to sleep and instead, he went to his desk, started his computer and created a new file.

On top of the page, he typed ‘My Bucket list’. Then he started to get his thoughts in order.

He loved Clarke. He knew that. It didn’t start out that way. They hated each other at the beginning. She was the privileged one who wanted to tell everyone what to do. He was the tough guy who wanted to be in charge. Along the way, they grew to understand each other and earned each other’s respect and trust.

She was the only one who knew who he was deep down. He probably wouldn’t have survived this long without her beside him, co-leading the kids. She made him stronger and more confident and he hoped that he did the same for her.

He loved her because she was strong and fearless, yet she could be vulnerable with him and only him. And in turn he could be vulnerable with her. She relied on him and he relied on her. Separately they were two people, together they were whole.

He’d been meaning to tell her about his feelings for her, but life on earth was about survival and every time he thought he got a minute to take stock of things, another disaster happened. Well no more. It’s time to face the truth. He will tell her how he feels about her. And, even if she doesn’t feel the same way, at least he’d get it off his chest.  
On the next line he typed  
1\. Tell Clarke he’s in love with her

Octavia is his sister and he really missed her, but she was still mad at him because of Lincolin’s death even though he tried to save him. She could barely look at him, let alone talk to him. He had to admit, not having Octavia in his life really sucked.  
And he was afraid that she was going down a dark path. Specially after she gutted Pike. It was like nothing mattered to her except avenging Lincolin’s death. He really needed to talk to her and set her straight.  
After all his motto when it came to Octavia was “My sister My responsibility”.  
On the next line he typed  
2\. Make things right with Octavia.

Who’s next? He asked himself. Oh, yes, Raven. Like most of them, Raven has been through a lot. She saved them all too many times to count. It was her genius that allowed Clarke to shut down Allie and save them all. But Raven believed she didn’t deserve to be happy. Well, as far as he was concerned, she deserved it and he will move heaven and earth just to see her radiant and sassy smile again. If he could, he would fix her leg, but since he couldn’t do that, he’d settle for making her happy, even if it’s for one day.  
3\. Find someone who will make Raven happy.

Next? Murphy. The cockroach. He’s instinct for survival amazed him. He is an asshole to most people, but to Bellamy he was like a little brother, just like Jasper and Monty. He still felt guilty about hanging him and almost killing him even after Murphy tried to pay him back by hanging him. If he was honest, he would’ve probably reacted the same way.  
Murphy did not believe he mattered. He didn’t believe anyone cared about him. But Bellamy cares about him and he will convince him of that.  
4\. Find a way to convince Murphy that he matters.

Jasper and Monty knew how to party and they’ve invited him to join them on many occasions. Their kind of fun was clearly lacking in his life. But it was more than that. He really missed spending time with them and simply having fun. In fact he can’t even remember the last time he smiled.  
It would be great to spend a night just chilling, laughing and listening to music with them, not as their leader but as their older brother.  
5\. Get high and drunk with Jasper and Monty.

What about something for me and me alone? He thought to himself. There was a sexual fantasy that he started to think about after having a threesome with two girls. He often wondered what it would be like to have a threesome with a male and a female. But not just any male. He’d have to be a male who is fit and strong. The female would also need to be fit and strong as he would need to be fully satiated if it was to work. It would be interesting to find out how it feels to touch and be touched by the softness of the female body and the hardness of a male body at the same time.  
6\. Have a threesome with a male and a female.

He might add more to the list in the coming days, but for now, he was satisfied with his starter list. When Bellamy finally slept that night, it was with a smile on his face, which was kind of rare these days.


	2. Chapter 2

A couple of days later, he was in Polis as part of the security detail for Clarke’s ongoing negotiations with the king. He was talking with Miller and Harper, by the rover, when Clarke was escorted out of the tower by two Azgadean guards.

The two guards then came up to him and one of them said, “Bellamy Com SkyKru, King Roan requests a meeting with you.”

Clarke looked at him with alarm on her face, Harper and Miller shouted “No”.

Bellamy had to admit he was nervous. He had no idea why Roan wanted him, he usually talked to Clarke. Was he trying to build a rift between them and weakening SkyKru? Did it have something to do with Octavia? Or did he want a favour of some kind? He was both confused and intrigued, and he felt that he needed to go find out what this was about.

Having made up his mind, Bellamy knew he had to convince his friends. So, he started with “We need to trust our allies at some point, don’t we?”

Before anyone replied, he turned to the guards, saying “Lead the way” and effectively ending any arguments from his friends.

The guards escorted him to the king’s private chambers. As soon as he arrived, Echo also came in and knelt on the floor in front of her king.

“Bellamy Com SkyKru, so good of you to come” Roan welcomed him as he gestured for Echo to rise and come to him. He kissed her on the lips and then turned her to face Bellamy while he hugged her from behind.

Interesting. Bellamy thought.  
Bellamy took an ‘at ease stand’ and asked, “How can I help you?”

Roan sighed and let go of Echo. He pointed at Echo as he took a step towards Bellamy “Echo here is smitten with you. She wants you badly. I told her you wouldn’t be interested as she has betrayed you on numerous occasions.”

Damn right I wouldn’t. He thought. “Thank you for understanding.”  
Roan took a few more steps towards him, with a serious look on his face, “Clarke told me about the new Primafyre and that we don’t have long to live. So, I wish to make you a proposition.”

“The answer is still no” Bellamy stated.

Roan stopped a few steps away from him “I like you Bellamy and I respect you. I also believe you are the reason your people survived this long. Everyone thinks it’s Clarke, but I know it was you.”

“It was both of us, not me alone or her alone.”

“That is a fair statement. I suppose.” Roan took another couple for steps and stood directly in front of him, in his face almost, looking at him with that intense king Roan stare “Here is my proposition. Echo and I want you. How would feel about us three having sex?”

Bellamy gulped. Could this be really happening? 

He was both confused and elated at the same time. He would get his wish, but he’d have to sleep with Echo. Could he do it?  
Damn right I could.

He wanted this, it’s on his bucket list. But Echo was the last person he’d want to have sex with. He didn’t trust her and he didn’t think he even liked her.  
We’re all gonna die, the time for hatred and blame is over. He told himself firmly.

Both Roan and Echo were looking at him expectantly, waiting for his answer. He cleared his throat and said “I would be honoured. However, I am on duty and I don’t know when I’ll be in Polis next.”

“Let me worry about that. You will be advised shortly” Roan said with a smile on his face. 

Bellamy nodded.

Roan called his guards “Please escort our guest out” and with that Bellamy turned and left.

He left Polis that afternoon with his friends. He didn’t tell them why Roan wanted to talk to him. He basically dodged their questions and finally said “it’s classified”. Of course, that didn’t stop Clarke’s questions, so he simply faked sleep all the way back to Arcadia.

When they arrived in Arcadia late that night, he went straight to his quarters and locked the door behind him, to avoid more questions.

The next morning, he went on a scouting run, and when he got back, he found Clarke and Raven arguing about preparing a list of the 100 people who will need to be saved in order for the human race to survive. Apparently the Ark can only sustain 100 people.

He was exhausted and didn’t want to be embroiled in that argument so, he left them and went to the office to take a nap. When he woke up, Clarke was sitting at the desk writing what he presumed was the list. He got up and looked at what she was writing. And sure enough, it was the list, and his name was next to the number 99. Number 100 was left blank.

He told Clarke “If I’m on that list, you’re on that list”

“I can’t Bellamy” She said with tears in her eyes.

He could see how hard this was for her, so, he grabbed the list and wrote her name next to the number 100.

“What do we do now? Clarke asked as she looked up at him.

“We put it away and hope to never use it”

“You still have hope?” She inquired.

“Are we still breathing?”

He put his right hand over her right shoulder and lightly squeezed it to comfort her. She leaned into it and held onto his arm as if it was her anchor. He wanted to hug her and tell her how he felt about her then and there, but she had just gone through a very difficult and traumatic time, using her head instead of her heart yet again. He was not going to add to it.

“Let’s go have dinner” he said with a smile.

She smiled back and followed him to the mess hall. Monty, Harper, Raven and Jasper joined them, and they ate together talking about nothing and everything. When they were done, everyone went their separate way.

On his way to his quarters, Kane with a serious look on his face, gestured for Bellamy to follow him to his office “Come in, shut the door.”

What now? I really can’t handle anymore bad news. But he followed Kane into the office and shut the door behind him.

“Is something wrong?”

Kane just looked at him “King Roan asked for a meeting with you tomorrow. I’m not sure why he requested you and not Clarke”

Bellamy nodded once.

“I’m not comfortable sending you there.”

Bellamy, of course, knew what Roan wanted from him but he wasn’t going to tell Kane or anyone about it. Instead he just said, “He’s our ally, right? We have to trust him at some stage, why not now?”

Kane looked at him with a worried look on his face “You’re right. Of course, but…”

“No buts. I’m happy to go”

Kane nodded “Take Miller and three others as your security detail.”

“Don’t need to, Octavia is there”

“She’s not even talking to you”

“But she’ll make sure I’m all right anyway” Bellamy concluded and walked out the door. He smiled to himself as soon as the door was closed.

He ran to his quarters and quickly closed his door. He looked around with a smile on his face. He was happy and excited yet apprehensive, and the anticipation was killing him, but he felt as if he’d just won the lottery. So, he clinched his right fist, then brought his right arm down and his right leg up at the same time, uttering a triumphant “Yesss”.


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Warning. This chapter is full of smut. You’ve been warned.

The next day, after going on a supply run, Bellamy took a shower and changed. He didn’t want anyone to go with him so, he dodged everyone as he made his way to the rover. He climbed in and drove it out of Arcadia.

He could see Nate and Harper, running and yelling ‘stop’, in his rear view mirror, but he ignored them and drove all the way to Polis on his own.

As soon as he arrived, two Azgedean guards escorted him to the king’s private chambers and left. When he entered, the king and Echo were passionately kissing on the couch. 

He coughed to announce his arrival and they abruptly stopped kissing and looked at him. Echo looked at him hungrily. Her face was flushed, and her lips were blood red and swollen. She hurriedly walked up to him, then stood in front of him biting her lower lip nervously.

Echo, the fearless warrior, looked so vulnerable and unsure that his heart softened a little towards her. He hugged her and felt her melt in his arms. The king moved behind Bellamy and hugged him tightly from behind. 

Bellamy just wanted the experience but that didn’t mean they could do anything to his body. He felt like he needed to say something or at the very least ask how this was going to work - what boundaries they should set. 

Roan and Echo started undressing him. “Wait” he almost shouted. Echo and Roan immediately stopped what they were doing.

“We haven’t agreed on boundaries” he started.

“What do you mean?” Roan asked.

“I mean the things that each one of us will not do. The lines that will not be crossed”

Roan scoffed “Anything goes in our threesomes”

Bellamy shook his head in the negative “No. This won’t work for me”

“Fine. Tell us your boundaries” Roan said as he sat back down on the couch.

Bellamy gulped and his Adam’s apple bobbed. He was a bit worried that they might find him a bit stuffy because he had a lot of boundaries in his mind. He wasn’t expecting to ever say these things out loud to anyone, but he had to now.

“I won’t be fucked by you and I won’t fuck or suck you.” He told Roan.

Roan didn’t look happy but he nodded. “What about Echo or are do all your boundaries relate to me?”

He looked at them both “No one touches my ass”, they both nodded.

Roan and Echo moved to sandwich his body between them. Echo hugging him from the front and Roan from the back. They resumed undressing him and as soon as a part of his body was exposed it was touched and kissed.

Soon, Echo had gotten rid of his pants and underwear. Roan’s hand touched his ass and squeezed hard and Bellamy fairly jumped. Roan laughed and Bellamy moved away from him shouting “BOUNDARIES”

Roan moved to stand in front of Bellamy eyes scanning every inch of his body appreciatively. “I thought you would look good naked Bellamy, but never anticipated you look this good.”

Roan put his hand around his neck and pulled him closer for a long, wet kiss. It felt strange being held against Roan’s strong solid body. Bellamy wasn’t used to male bodies this close to him. He was used to soft curvy bodies. This hug felt, he wasn’t sure what it felt like, awkward was the only thing he could come up with.

Roan went down on his knees and took Bellamy’s cock in his mouth. They both groaned as Roan started sucking his cock. It felt so good and Bellamy closed his eyes savouring this feeling as he got harder and harder.

Echo pulled his face towards her and started kissing him. She must’ve taken her clothes off because he could feel her breast against his arm. He squeezed it eliciting a moan from her. He slightly turned his body towards her and with his thumb he lightly circled her nipple.

Echo kissed him more hungrily. One hand slid down her body until he pushed a finger inside her. “God you are so wet.” he said between kisses and Echo just kept moaning and kissing him back.

He was close to coming when Roan stopped sucking him.“Not yet” he said as he stood up and smiled at Bellamy.

Roan then looked at Echo. He took her hand and walked to his bed. He gently laid her down and climbed up next to her. They both started kissing passionately. He stopped and looked at Bellamy, who remained standing where they left him  
“I want to watch you eat her out” he growled.

This he could do without feeling awkward.  
Bellamy climbed on the bed and placed both knees on either side of Echo’s body. He bent down and kissed her on the mouth and then trailed kisses down her body until he reached her wet spot. 

He breathed in sharply before kissing her there. Echo almost jumped off the bed, but Roan put a hand on her stomach to keep her there while he watched Bellamy intensely.

Bellamy kissed her lower lips sliding from left to right and then lapping at her. He continued feeling her excitement building and building until she orgasmed with a loud scream. Her whole body spasmed and shook as she lost control.

He slid up her body and held her until she stopped shaking. She looked at him, with tears in her eyes, and she mouthed a “thank you”.

“That was hot.” Roan said “How did you get her to orgasm so quickly?”

“You just have to be in tune with what her body needs.” He answered nonchalantly as he got up on his knees.

Roan mimicked his movement and started kissing and touching his body. It looked like he couldn’t get enough of Bellamy’s body. Bellamy kissed him back. It still felt strange kissing a man. In a bold move, Bellamy touched Roan’s cock. It stopped Roan in his tracks. 

Bellamy’s eyes locked with Roan’s as if waiting for permission to continue. Roan closed his eyes as Bellamy held Roan’s cock then started moving his hand up and down, slowly at first and then raising the speed and the pressure. 

Roan quickly came in Bellamy’s hand and his body slumped against him. Bellamy held him until he recovered. Roan then moved away and laid his head down next to Echo, completely spent.

Echo and Roan looked up at him lovingly and Bellamy couldn’t believe how much of themselves they’d given him. But he still hadn’t orgasmed, and it was getting awfully painful.

Echo laid him down and straddled him while Roan started touching his pecks and biceps adoringly. She pushed him inside her and started rocking back and forth.

He held her hips tightly in place as he pushed up into her. Roan got up and squeezed Echo’s breasts and kissed them. Echo lost it then and came hard. He groaned then sighed as he came.

Bellamy finally smiled, he was spent and exhausted. Echo and Roan slept on either side of him. Echo had her head on his chest while she traced imaginary patterns across his stomach. Roan was laying on his side staring at Bellamy with a smile on his face.

Bellamy cleared his throat “Thank you both for letting me experience this kind of threesome”

Roan smiled “Have you had another kind of threesome”

“Yeah, with two girls” 

Roan whistled nodded his head once. He then got up and got dressed. “I have other business to attend to. Do you think we can do this again sometime?”

Bellamy smiled “No, that was a one time deal”

“Pity” Roan stated then left.

Echo climbed on top of Bellamy and hugged him tight. He hugged her back and covering them both with the furs on top of the bed. 

“I’ve dreamt of us having sex since I laid eyes on you. But along the way, I’ve fallen in love with you Bellamy.” She whispered.

Bellamy cleared his throat “Echo I…” he started.

Echo quickly cut him off “Shhh, you don’t have to say anything. My dream has come true. You’ve given me that and I know you can’t give me anymore. I will always be the enemy in your eyes and I don’t have much time to change that.”

Bellamy said “I’m sorry. I wish things were different” and he meant it.

“Me too. Thank you for tonight Bellamy. I will cherish it until the day I die.”

He could feel her tears on his shoulder but decided not to say anything. Soon after he went to sleep.


	4. Chapter 4

Clarke needed to find Bellamy fast. Raven had just told her they need a hydro generator as the one on the Ark no longer works. Brian told her that the farm station had one in tact and he knew roughly where it landed.

She needed Bellamy to go get it, but he was not in his quarters and no one had seen him since he returned from his latest mission. That was over 2 hours ago.

She went to the command centre and found Monty working on the computer “Have you seen Bellamy?” she asked.

“Well, hello to you too.” Monty turned and gave her that cute dimpled smile of his.

“Sorry Monty I’m just worried about him.”

“Harper saw him a couple of hours ago, she’s in training right now” Monty said then turned back to his computer.

Clarke thanked him and left the room in a hurry. 

Clarke ran to the soldier’s training room and found Harper in there. Standing outside the room, she gestured for her to come out. Harper nodded and said something to her instructor.

Harper came out “What’s up? she asked.

“I’m trying to find Bellamy. Monty said you saw him two hours ago?”

Harper looked a bit uncomfortable, Kane had told her and Miller to go with Bellamy on a secret mission to Pollis. That meant no one needed to know about it, not even Clarke. “Yeah. I saw him drive the rover out”

“Do you know where he was going?”

Harper shook her head “You’ll need to talk to Kane about that”

So, Bellamy was on a secret mission and Kane knew about it but didn’t tell her. Clarke thought to herself. “Did someone go with him?” Clarke knew there was a rule that if you go on a mission, at least two people must accompany you, for security reasons.

Harper shook her head “No. He drove off before Miller and I could go with him”

Clarke thought Harper looked guilty. She touched her arm and smiled. Harper was a good soldier and Clarke wanted to reassure her “It’s not your fault, you know that don’t you?”

“If anything happens to him..” Harper started but Clarke didn’t let her finish “Nothing is going to happen to him. It’s Bellamy, he knows how to take care of himself.”

“Thanks” Harper said. Clarke nodded then left to go see to Kane.

“Where is Bellamy?” Clarke demanded as she entered Kane’s office unannounced.

Kane looked up from his desk with concern on his face “He said he needed to do something in Pollis and that he should be back tomorrow morning.”

“Harper said he left alone. That Miller and her were supposed to go with him.”

Kane stood up and walked around his desk. He walked up to her and looked her in the eye “Yes. That’s true, but you know Bellamy. He can be stubborn.”

“Why didn’t you send anyone after him?” She asked getting angry at Kane’s calm demeanour.

Kane crossed his arms in front of him “I radioed Indra and Octavia. They’ll make sure he’s OK. Besides, sending someone is pointless. He’ll probably be back before they make it to Pollis.”

“What’s he doing there Kane. Does it have anything to do with Roan?”

“I don’t know and yes. How did you know it had something to do with Roan?”

She looked straight ahead trying to recall what happened. “Roan asked to talk to him when we were there a few days ago. Bellamy talked to him but didn’t tell us what they talked about. In fact, he was really dodgy about it” She was getting more worried by the minute. It all sounded very suspicious to her.

Kane ran a hand through his hair “Roan requested Bellamy to go to see him today. I don’t know what it’s about but I wasn’t comfortable telling Bellamy about it. Come to think of it, he didn’t mind going.”

“Which is strange since those two barely get along.” She added as her mind ran through many scenarios of what Bellamy and Roan were up to.

“We have to assume that Bellamy knows what he’s doing and that he can take care of himself. I’m not worried right now, but if he doesn’t turn up tomorrow morning…”

Clarke intervened “He’ll be back. It’s Bellamy.” She was so adamant but wasn’t sure whether she said it to make Kane or herself feel better.

They both nodded and smiled tentatively as if trying to keep each other calm

Clarke walked back to the command centre and together with Raven organised a team to go get the hydro generator. Miller objected to Brian going as he was still recovering from the injuries he sustained in the fight against Allie. Of course he was worried about his boyfriend.

Brian argued with Miller “I’m the only one who can find farm station. I have to go.” Miller grudgingly agreed but he was clearly not happy about it. Clarke could see that they clearly cared for each other which was nice. Anytime people found each other, in this doom and gloom, she was a reminded that there is still hope.

Monty had to go because of his technological know-how and of course Harper, the faithful good soldier, had to go to make sure he was OK. They made such a cute couple, but when did this happen? Clarke asked herself.

Once that was settled Clarke made her way back to her quarters to sleep. She couldn’t sleep because she was thinking about how they were going to survive, and how the grounders were going to survive, and what they needed to do to make sure they all survived.

If, she was honest with herself, though, Bellamy was the one keeping her awake. She was worried he’d get himself in trouble specially since he had no back up. No, that’s not right. Kane said he radioed Indra and Octavia, they’ll look after him.

Would Octavia do it? Clarke asked herself. Octavia can barely look at her brother and she still blamed him for Lincoln’s death. Bu she also loves her brother. When it comes down to it, Clarke was sure that Octavia would have his back.

What if something did happen to him. What if he got injured or worse, could she deal with that? What if he died could she face life without him? The answer was simple. No, she couldn’t. She’s come to rely on him, and his ability to keep going no matter the odds, that she couldn’t even contemplate her life without him.

When did this happen? When did she become reliant on anyone? She was Clarke Griffin. She was Wanheda, the commander of death. She made the difficult decisions when they needed to be made. But she didn’t think she’d have had the courage to make them if Bellamy hadn’t been by her side. His presence gave her strength, inspired her to go on. That’s why she needed him to be OK. He had to be OK.

She silently prayed for him to return safely, and after a lot of tossing and turning, finally went to sleep.

The next morning, she went to Bellamy’s quarters but he wasn’t there. She started panicking and she had this nagging feeling that something wasn’t right.

“Where’s Bellamy, Kane?” She yelled at she entered Kane’s

“Isn’t he back yet?” He sounded worried. Clarke knew that Bellamy was important to Kane. He was like a son to him.

Alarmed she replied “No. I looked everywhere for him”

“Don’t worry. We’ll find him. I’ll radio Indra.” Kane picked up the radio and called Indra.

[“Indra?”  
“Marcus Kane what do you want?”  
“Is Bellamy still in Pollis?  
“The rover is still outside the tower, but I have no seen him since last night when he arrived.”  
“He was expected back an hour ago. If the rover is still there, then something must be wrong.”  
“Give me an hour. I’ll get back to you”  
“Thanks Indra”]

Kane knew Bellamy going there unprotected was a bad idea. Why the hell did he do it? He looked at Clarke and in a comforting tone said “Don’t worry. We’ll find him.”

Clarke nodded once and sat down on the chair opposite his desk. She was going to stay there until she heard something, and Kane did not have the heart to tell her to leave.

Echo woke up a few hours later, to find herself alone in bed. Bellamy must’ve gone back to Arcadia she thought to herself. She stretched as she remembered Bellamy’s gorgeous body, his lips on her, him inside her and how he made her come so easily. She hadn’t had an orgasm in a very long time, but in his arms, she was instantly aroused, she couldn’t help it. Bellamy was her weakness.

She couldn’t stop the tears from falling as she remembered him holding her tight while her body shook. He was such a tender and giving lover. She would give anything for another night with him. But she knew that won’t happen and the realisation that she will never be this close to him again was too much for her to take. 

Echo cried and cried until she couldn’t cry anymore. She then got up and had a quick shower. Once she was dressed she went outside to tend to her normal duties. So, she was completely surprised when Octavia asked her if she’d seen Bellamy, later that morning.

“King Roan and I had a meeting with him last night. But he left soon after. I assumed he had gone back to Arcadia.” Echo stated with a blank expression on her face, but her heart sank and alarm bells sounded in her head.

“He hasn’t. We can’t find him and the rover is still here.” Octavia fairly shouted at Echo.

Echo stared at her and said “I’ll advise the king. Do not worry, we will find him”

Octavia grabbed her arm and hissed “If anything happens to him, I swear I’ll kill you with my bare hands.”

“Why do you assume I had anything to do with this?” Echo asked calmly.

Octavia let go of Echo’s arm “He tried to help you and teach you human kindness and you betrayed him at every turn. Of course you had something to do with it. I’m 90% sure you have something to do with it.”

“I would never harm Bellamy” Echo said as her eyes started to water. She quickly looked away.

Octavia stared at her in shock. It was the first time this cold-blooded warrior looked vulnerable and it dawned on her that Echo had feelings for Bellamy “I don’t believe it. You love him don’t you?”

Echo did not answer her but walked away with her head held high. Octavia reasoned that since Echo loved her brother, it will probably mean she will turn Pollis upside down to find him which was a good thing. But it didn’t stop her feeling scared and worried about her brother’s wellbeing. 

She still hadn’t forgiven him for his part in getting Lincoln killed but he was her brother and no matter what happened between them she will always care about him and love him. She has not forgotten how he took care her on the Ark even though he was a kid himself. She also hasn’t forgotten how he made sure he was on the drop ship, so he could take care of her on the ground.

Most of all she remembered how sad and upset he looked when he found out that Lincoln was dead. He looked devastated and what did she do? She blamed him for it even though he tried to warn her and help her save Lincoln.

She was so angry and mad at him that she didn’t see the guilt and pain he carried. Instead she repeatedly punched him. And he let her, he even stopped the others from interfering, so she could continue punching him. And she did, until his face was black and blue and bleeding. How could she be so cruel to him? The brother who was prepared to do anything and everything to look after her.

Octavia went back t Indra’s place, determined to find her brother and leave no stone unturned in the process. She will find him, even if it’s the last thing she does.

Echo ran into the tower to let Roan know that Bellamy is missing. He was angered at the news and he ordered everyone he could spare to look for him. She was beside herself. Although she could never have Bellamy, she knew the world would be a darker place without him. She had to find him.

By mid-morning, SkyKru, TriKru and Azgeda were looking for him, but he was nowhere to be found. It was as if the earth has swallowed him. Kane told Clarke he had stopped Arcadia’s search but stepped up the investigation into what happened.

“Are you Kidding me right now? You can’t do this. We have to find him. We can’t give up on him.” She shouted as a sudden sensation of fear overtook her.

Kane tried to explain his decision “His rover is still in Pollis and Octavia is searching for him. We need to retrace his steps in order to find where we can concentrate our search. TriKru and Azgeda are still searching for him. None has given up on him.”

Clarke was almost paralysed with fear and panic and tears streamed down her face “We have to find him Marcus. I …can’t lose him. I can’t ….lose Bellamy. I …need him. I need him to be OK.”

Kane placed his hand on her shoulder to comfort her. She pleaded with him “He’s my best friend. We have to find him.”

Kane looked at her sadly. He knew that Clarke loved Bellamy and Bellamy loved her. Everyone knew this it seems, except for the two of them. Even now with her worried out of her mind about him, she could not admit she loved him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Where is Bellamy?


	5. Chapter 5

Bellamy woke up to find himself aching all over and with a massive headache. He couldn’t see as his eyes were covered with something. He couldn’t talk as his mouth was gagged. He tried to remember what happened and how he ended up here, like this.

He remembered waking up in the middle of the night to find Echo sleeping next to him. He remembered carefully getting up and getting dressed. He remembered walking out of the room and taking the manual lift down to the bottom of the tower. He remembered making his way back to the rover when …..? What???? Damn it. He couldn’t remember what happened next.

There were hands touching him everywhere, and he was naked? Which brought him back to the present. He had no idea how many people were doing this. Someone cut into his arm with a knife, not too deep just enough to elicit a reaction from him. He yelped and tried to move away, but he couldn’t. He realised that he was standing spreadeagled with his arms and legs stretched and tied to something.

“Pretty boy is back with us.” A male said.

Another male asked, “How many times did our king fuck you, Skykru scum?”

“He can’t answer, you fool, he’s gagged.” A third male said.

A female then said “You know what, he is beautiful and sexy. Look at those abs and that long fat cock. I would spend a night with him. I would. No wonder our king is attracted to him.”

“And all our women and half our men.” The first male said.

“It doesn’t matter” said the female. “He’s here to be taught a lesson, you can do whatever you want with him, but don’t break that body or ruin that face. Do you hear me?”

“I hear you. We are here to torture him and send him back to his people. To teach them not to mess with Azgeda or its king” the second male stated.

“How do we torture him without breaking his body? asked the first male.

The woman replied “We can take turns fucking him, any way we like, and when we are done we leave him here. No one will know who did it”

“Are you sure this is going to work?” asked the third male.

“Of course, trust me. Now, who wants to go first” She asked.

The three males and the female took turns, touching, licking, bitting, squeezing, and fucking Bellamy’s most intimate parts, and he couldn’t stop them. Some of them used knives to cut him in places where it would do minimum harm but be as painful as hell.

Was this some kind of a nightmare? If it was, he needed to wake up, NOW. Bellamy thought to himself. How did he get here? That’s what he needed to concentrate on, so he could block the pain he felt as they continued to assault him.

He remembered making his way to the rover when he felt ….? Ah yes, someone was following him. He quickly turned around to see who was there, when someone jabbed him with something. A tranquilliser perhaps, because soon after he lost consciousness. Next thing he remembers is waking up here.

They continued to torture him and, when the pain became unbearable, he screamed. But his screams were muffled. That’s when he realised something. No one could hear him and no one would come to his rescue and that was his fault. Why did he have to go to Pollis alone? Harper and Miller were ready to go with him, but like the idiot he was, he dodged them. He didn’t want them asking questions about what he was up to with Roan. Well, that stupid mistake has cost him lots of pain and humiliation as he was repeatedly raped. Well done Bellamy Blake! He told himself.

Wait. What was that warm stuff running down the back of his legs? And down his arms? And down his stomach? Shit, Bellamy cursed as he realised he was profusely bleeding. Cold sweat was seeping into his body. If they keep going like this, he could die from bleeding.

His cock and his ass were hurting after being repeatedly abused. Yet, they continued to manhandle him and coax him into spilling his seed over and over. Until, thankfully, he lost consciousness.

Octavia and Echo continued to investigate and interrogate people. They both somehow stumbled on the same clue which led them to a barn deep in the forest between Polis and Arcadia. When they walked into the barn, they were not prepared for what they saw. 

Bellamy completely naked, was bound, gagged and shackled spreadeagled. His head was hanging low, his legs were barely straight and his arms were supporting all his weight. His body was full of cuts and bruises, and caked with blood and some other things they could not identify.

Octavia ran and hugged him “Oh my God Bell. What happened to you?’ She asked as tears streamed down her face. 

Echo wanted to hug him and comfort him too. But it would show a weakness she didn’t want Octavia to know about. Instead, she worked on freeing him. Bellamy had not made a sound nor had he moved a muscle.

Octavia held him up as Echo unlocked the shackles, took off the gag and the blindfold. She gently laid him down on the floor, then covered him with her jacket. She barked at Echo “Get a fur or something to cover him”.

Echo ran out and returned with some furs, a bucket of water and some rags “I thought we could clean him up first? He could get sick.” She offered.

Octavia yelled “No” and continued to hold him protectively “We’d be wiping away evidence. We need to get the bastards who did this to him.”

After covering him with furs and using her jacket as a pillow, Octavia radioed Arcadia with the coordinates. She asked them to bring Abbie and her med kit. Bellamy needed a doctor, like yesterday. The urgency in her voice, when she radioed, must have done the trick, as soon, Clarke, Abbie, Monty, Harper, Jasper, Raven and Jackson, arrived with the rover and a stretcher.

Octavia told them how they found Bellamy and that he had not regained consciousness since. Abbie asked everyone to leave except Jackson. They examined him thoroughly and took samples, lots of samples. Then they started cleaning and sterilising his cuts, and stitching his wounds to stop the bleeding.

Bellamy started to whimper when they began dressing him. He’d regained consciousness when he felt someone dressing him. He wanted to strike but waited until his pants were on. He sprung up kicking a female and punching a male in the face. Then he looked around for an exit and started to run towards it.

“Bellamy, you’re safe” a familiar voice yelled.

He stopped for a split second but then he ran out the door. There were so many of them outside, how was he going to fight all of them when he was so weak? He had to fight, he’d rather die fighting anyway. He took an offensive stance and was about to pounce when he heard another familiar voice “Bell? It’s Octavia. We found you. You’re safe.” 

It had to be a trick! he thought to himself. Someone tried to touch him, and he flinched. “I love you big brother.” That’s Octavia’s voice, he was sure of it. He let his eyes follow the voice and he saw Octavia standing in front of him, tears streaming down her face.

“O?” he asked, confused.

She smiled as her tears continued to fall. She tried to hug him but he flinched again then moved away from her.

She answered “Yes Bell, we found you. Abbie and Jackson were tending to your wounds when you hit them and ran out here. Clarke, Monty, Harper, Jasper, Raven, and I are all here for you.”

Bellamy looked around and just like she said they were all here, looking worried and sad and, was that pity he saw in their eyes? He hated that they witnessed him in this vulnerable state.

He nodded at them and went back inside to apologise to Abbie and Jackson. 

“Abbie, Jackson I’m sorry I hit you. I was out of my mind.”

“We understand.” Abbie responded with half a smile and a cut lip.

“What is your diagnosis Abbie? Give it to me straight, no bullshit”

“Your arms are lacerated but the bleeding has stopped. Your legs have some minor bruising. Your chest and back have a lot of cuts, some were deep, but we cleaned and disinfected them. There is bruising on your hips and your lower back but we’ve stopped the bleeding there too. What is really worrying me is your…”

“Asshole? Yeah, I’m aware. I’ve been repeatedly raped.”

“You’ll recover, but we need to test you for sexual diseases.”

Shit. What? But he nodded once. He figured it was another thing he needed to worry about.  
“What about my …” he pointed at his cock.

“No damage there. But you will need to refrain from any sexual activities for at least two weeks”

He nodded once again.

“Bellamy how are you doing? I mean emotionally?” Abbie looked really concerned about him.

“I’ll live. Are we done here?” He knew that was both rude and abrupt, but he was in no mood to talk about his feelings. He just wanted to be in his quarters, alone, and safe.

“Yes” Abbie replied but she was really worried about Bellamy’s mental state.

“Let’s go then.”


	6. Chapter 6

When they returned to the Ark, Bellamy stayed in med bay for 5 days while Abby and Jackson fussed over him. He was heavily sedated the first few days so he couldn’t feel any pain. On the third day, the pain killer dosage was reduced and he found out he could not sleep on his front or his back as the pain was excruciating. The one positive was that the tests proved that he was clear of any disease.

On the 5th day, he was declared well enough to go back to his quarters and look after himself. Abby told him that he’d have to visit her everyday to see how he is progressing and whether he can go back to his normal duties. Which meant that he was not allowed to get back to his duties and that really annoyed the hell out of him. 

He went straight to his quarters and left instructions that he did not wish to have any visitors. He didn’t see anyone except the guys bringing him food, drink and clean laundry. He knew he was avoiding everyone, but he just couldn’t deal with the constant pity he saw in their eyes.

In the meantime, all hell had broken loose. SkyKru accused Azgeda of the kidnapping and torture of one of its citizens and demanded the culprits be brought to justice. TriKru wanted the king to personally pay for his clan’s crime against Arcadia, as he and Echo were the last ones to see him before the kidnapping. Roan asked Echo to find any Azgeda citizens who were not where they were supposed to be that night. He needed to find who attacked Bellamy to appease both clans. Tension between the 3 clans was at an all time high.

Kane went to see Bellamy on the 7th day of his recovery. He found Bellamy wearing dirty clothes, had an untidy beard, and his hair was was even messier than usual. It looked like he hadn’t had a shower for a while too. 

“ I requested no visitors” Bellamy stated as he sat on the edge of his bed.

Kane ignored Bellamy’s apparent rudeness, he knew he was going through a rough time. So he smiled and asked “Can you tell me what you remember about the kidnapping?”

Bellamy told him everything he remembered, omitting what he did with Roan and Echo.

“Do you think Roan was behind this?

Bellamy shook his head “No. I don’t think so. The king and I were on ….ah… good terms when I left. He considers me his friend” Kane raised an eyebrow as if he found that hard to believe. So Bellamy quickly added “We were ah…sort of…ah…intimate that night. Why would he want me kidnapped and tortured?”  
“He did have a quarter of his warriors looking for you when he found out you were missing. And Echo was beside herself with worry. I’ve never seen her this out of control. She killed someone she was questioning just because he called you scum. Were you intimate with her too?” Kane asked.

“Yes. We had a threesome. OK? It was on my bucket list.” Bellamy was getting defensive and he knew it, but he didn’t want to lie to Kane. Once he told him, he saw a strange look crossing Kane’s face, like he was judging him or something. Or, maybe he was just being over-sensitive. So he added “I wanted to have just one night of pleasure with no worries - no commitments - no responsibilities -no frigging apocalypse. Was that too much to ask?”

Kane shook his head “No Bellamy. It wasn’t. If you needed that, then I’m glad you got it. But you know how hated SkyKru is. If any of the clans think that we are getting an advantage they will do everything in their power to dissolve the alliance or even declare war on us. You should have told me your intentions, so I could better protect you.”

“I was too embarrassed to talk about it.” Bellamy said as he looked away from Kane’s scrutinising eyes.

Kane took a step forward and tried to place a comforting hand on Bellamy’s shoulder but he quickly moved away to avoid his touch. So Kane ran the hand through his own hair instead “Well, it’s done now” and then “How are you doing?” Kane asked as he looked fixedly at Bellamy.

Bellamy shrugged his shoulders“Why does everyone keep asking me that? I’m fine.” 

Kane sighed and took a seat at Bellamy’s desk “You know, going through a traumatic experience like you did, can play with your mind. Have you seen Callahan like Abby suggested?”

Bellamy shook his head “No. I don’t need his services.”

“Have you seen Octavia? Clarke? Any of your friends since you returned? Do you have any idea how worried they are about you?”

“Tell them I’m fine. Tell them I will see them when I feel better.” Bellamy replies in a dismissive tone.

“You know what I think? I think you are hiding. Not because you’re coward, because we all know you’re no coward. I think it is because you think they pity you and that hurts your ego.”

“Are you a shrink now Mr Chancellor?”

Kane sighed again then got up to leave. When he reached the door, he turned and said, “Talk to Callahan. Denying you need help will only make things worse for you.” Then he left.

Soon after his talk with Kane, Bellamy started seeing Callahan and despite his reservations, the sessions did help. They helped him focus on understanding what he was feeling and why. They helped him to stop blaming himself for what happened and accept that it did happen. It helped him to stop thinking of himself as the victim.

He was provided with exercises and tools to help him deal with those feelings and stop them from overwhelming him. Gradually, he started getting better. He began to take showers and shave his beard daily. He made sure his clothes were regularly sent to the laundry and he ate some of the meals that were delivered to his quarters. His appetite was still next to non-existent but it was getting better. 

Sleep continued to be a problem. And when he did sleep, he relived the nightmare of being sexually and physically assaulted. He’d then wake up with his heart hammering in his chest and always with a cold sweat. He thought he’d never get over the assault and the feeling of being helpless to stop it. That was what really bothered him the most - feeling helpless, powerless and exposed, while they did whatever they wanted to do to his body. If only he had an arm or a leg loose, at least he could’ve fought back, but they denied him that and he hated.

One of the things that stuck in his mind was a statement Callahan made during one of their sessions. He said “Be kind to yourself.” It was such a simple statement and yet he found he couldn’t do it. He has never thought in those terms. EVER!!! He always thought about how to protect Octavia or how to make sure the 100 kids survived or even how to save Clarke from time to time, but never how to be kind to himself. What does it even mean? What did he need to do to be kind to himself? He didn’t have a clue.

After another couple of days, Octavia burst into his quarters shouting, “What the hell is wrong with you?”

Bellamy sat on the edge of his bed, “Good to see you too, sis”

She looked at him with anger and hurt on her face “Why won’t you let me see you? Do you have any idea how worried I’ve been about you?”

He ran a hand through his hair and looked at her “Sorry O. I just don’t want any company.”

“I’m not company. I’m your sister.” He looked away then, but she continued unfazed “I have had nightmares and I can’t sleep. I need to know what happened to you. This not knowing is making me imagine all sorts of things.”  
Bellamy could see she was struggling with this, but he wasn’t ready to share. He didn’t think he’d ever share that experience with her, or any of his friends. He looked straight ahead, avoiding her eyes “When I’m ready to talk, you’ll be the first to know.”

She knelt in front of him and placed both her hands on his thighs. She then looked up at him with tear stained eyes “Bell, you know I can’t lose you right? I know I’ve been horrible to you, when all you’ve ever done was look out for me. But the minute I thought you were in trouble, all the anger I felt towards you was gone. All I wanted was for you to be safe.”

He smiled at her and patted one of her hands “I’m OK. Don’t worry.”

“Are you really OK?” She asked searching his eyes for the truth.

“Yes” he replied.

“Promise?” She asked again for confirmation.

“I promise.” He replied smiling.

Octavia smiled back at him then got up from the floor. She walked to the door then turned to look at him “I love you big brother” and then she left.

It seemed like that was a sign for his friends to visit. A little later that day, Monty came by with some Jobi nuts saying “I thought you might enjoy some distraction. Just take three when you need them” and then he left.

Jasper, walked in as soon as Monty left. He brought him some of his home-made brew. An hour later, Raven came in and gave him a hug. Which made him flinch and push her away. She left in tears and he regretted hurting her that way, but he couldn’t help it.  
Nate strode and stared at him “Isn’t it about time you joined the patrols? We need you out there.” Then he huffed and left when Bellamy didn’t reply.

He also started to receive messages from Roan and Echo saying pretty much the same thing “They will find whoever did this and make them pay” Roan even added that afterwards he hoped that they could still be friends.

Clarke was the only one who didn’t visit him. Every time his door opened, he expected to see her, but she never showed up and it hurt more than he expected it to. At first, he thought she was respecting his wishes. But then when his friends started visiting and she still didn’t, he began to feel anger.

She was his best friend, and he thought she cared about him, more than she cared about the others. As the days went by and she still hadn’t visited him, he didn’t only feel angry, he also felt betrayed and abandoned. Well, If he meant so little to her, then to hell with her, he decided.

When Bellamy felt more in control of his emotions, he decided to go to the mess hall for dinner. He sat at an empty table. Kane and Abby raised their glasses to him from across the tables and he nodded at them smiling. His friends were happy to see him as one by one, they joined him. They made him feel like he was missed, like he mattered and that in turn made him feel good. Maybe it was that simple to get back to normal. He thought to himself. 

They updated him on what’s been happening and that kept him distracted from his inner struggles. Nate told him that they got the hydro tank and another 25 kids who were kept as slaves by Azgeda. Raven told him that the work being done to fix the Ark was almost complete and all of Arcadia should be able to survive for at least 10 years in there. “That is the good news” she said, “As of yesterday, we don’t have five months, we have at most two months. I miscalculated.”

‘Shit. Will we have enough food?” He asked, worried.

Monty chipped in “I started the Hydro farm, which should produce enough food for everyone within a couple of months. So, we only need to store enough food till then. The problem now is the oxygen. We can produce it, but the scrubbers are well worn and need replacing. Guess who is fixing that problem? Jaha.”

“Are you kidding me?”

“He was an engineer before becoming chancellor, and he offered his help. That was the only way I could keep him useful and away from me. ‘Cause every time I see him, I swear, I want to kill him.” Raven said with a bit of venom in her voice. He could understand that. Jaha brought Allie to them and Raven suffered terribly as a consequence. He would wish to kill him too, if he was in Raven’s shoes.

Soon after, his friends started to leave to attend to their duties and other things. As he made his way back to his quarters, he felt hopeful for the first time since returning. This little outing, was helpful and gave him the confidence to get back to his duties sooner than expected, which, in turn made him happy. So, he decided to talk to Abby about it tomorrow when he saw her for his daily check up.

When he entered his quarters, he found Clarke sitting at his desk and writing something. At first he was happy to see her, but then he realised that she was writing him a note which meant she was still avoiding him. His anger bubbled to the surface, threatening to spill over, but he rained it in.

He quietly asked “So, you still don’t want to see me?”

Clarke turned to see him “What?”

“I asked you if you still don’t want to see me?” He gestured to her note “You snuck in here to write me a note instead?” His voice rose a little bit

Clarke looked guilty, but she tried to respond “No…I…”

He walked to his bed and sat on the edge, “Don’t bother Clarke, I get it.” He said as he placed his face in his hands, trying very hard not to look at her as he was close to bursting with anger.

“I was hardly here, Bellamy. I was dealing with one crisis after another. I wanted to see you, I really did. It’s been like hell not seeing you all that time.”

He looked straight into her eyes, “Yet you didn’t make an effort.” He said accusingly.

Clarke wanted to change the subject, she knew she was in the wrong, she realised she hurt him, and she knew that she didn’t have a valid excuse. She couldn’t tell him that it broke her heart to see him broken and she simply could not cope with it. She had a feeling he was gonna die, just like every person she loved, so she distanced herself from him.

“How are you?” she asked tentatively.

“As if you care.” he answered looking straight ahead.

“I care Bellamy. I always cared.”

He looked at her with eyes full of anger and accusations, “Cut the bullshit Clarke. You only need me to help you lead, but care? Well that’s a bit of a stretch.”

Her eyes started watering despite her attempt to keep the tears at bay. She looked at him, vulnerable and in pain, “Nothing I do seems to make a difference. I try to help and people just attack me for it. I push my feeling aside, so I can protect everyone, and they accuse me of being selfish. No one understands the hell I’m in. No one but you and you weren’t there.”

He shook his head “Stop making this about you. I needed you and You weren’t there. You didn’t care enough to just show up and see how I was. I guess I’m not good enough for the princess.”

Clarke was in tears and she shook as she said “Don’t….Don’t say that. I care about you. I don’t care about anyone else as much as I care about you. I just… felt…I would say the wrong thing and make things worse for you.”

He looked away from her “Being there and saying the wrong thing is better than not being there at all Clarke.” His eyes started to water then.

“I’m sorry” She said as tears streamed down her face.

He continued to avoid her eyes. They hurt him too much. “Not as sorry as I am. I thought you were my best friend, guess I was wrong.”

“You’re not wrong. I am your best friend just like you are mine, never doubt that.”

He looked down to his feet, and between clinched teeth said, “Leave Clarke. I can’t talk to you right now”

“I’m sorry Bellamy. I’m an idiot, I was wrong. I do care about you.” she tried to make him understand that he mattered. 

He could barely contain his anger “Just leave.”he shouted. She winced then hurriedly left without another word.

It took Bellamy a long time to calm down after he kicked Clarke out of his quarters. How dare she make this about her. How dare she play the martyr with him of all people. Didn’t she have any idea what he was going through? He was sure she knew what rape does to a person both physically and psychologically. Yet, she didn’t know what to say to him? What a lot of bull. She could have tried. He would have.

Later that night, Bellamy revisited his bucket list. He wanted to distract himself, unfortunately, the point 1 was about Clarke. Maybe he should cross it off, after all, her actions seem to indicate she’s not interested and probably never will be. Besides, he still couldn’t let anyone touch him. Although he has recovered physically, he wasn’t sure he could recover mentally anytime soon. So there was no point pursuing this. However, he didn’t cross it off.

Octavia told him the minute she thought he was in trouble all the anger she felt towards him disappeared. She also said she needed him to be OK. It looked like things are finally on the right track with his sister. So, he crossed off point 2.

He’d turned his sexual fantasy into a reality. He’s had a threesome with a male and female. It seemed like it happened ages ago, not less than 10 days ago. He couldn’t even make himself remember what it had felt like. Every time he revisited that day, he was reminded of the kidnapping and the assault. He did remember that Roan wanted them to be friends and that Echo confessed her love for him but knew it could go nowhere. Maybe, it should? But then again, mentally, he was not ready for that. He crossed off point 6. And then he crossed point 1

Now he’s bucket list had three more items, which he was 75% sure he could fulfil before the two months were up. His document looked like this after the updates.  
Bellamy’s Bucket List  
1\. Tell Clarke he’s in love with her.  
(crossed off) 2\. Make things right with Octavia.  
(crossed off 3\. Find someone who will make Raven happy.  
4\. Get drunk out of his mind with Jasper and Monty.  
5\. Find a way to make Murphy eleven he matters make peace with him.  
6\. Have a threesome with a male and a female.  
(crossed off) He closed the document, turned off his computer and went to bed. His last thoughts before going to sleep was of how to convince Abby to let him get back to his duties. His dreams though, were filled of that certain blond he loves.

Clarke was miserable when she reached her quarters. She’d hurt the one person that mattered to her. She couldn’t forget the look on his face as he yelled at her to leave. She’d never seen him so angry with her. Was their friendship over? No, it couldn’t be. She won’t let it. She needs him, but she failed to see that he needed her.  
How could she be so stupid? How had she convinced herself that avoiding Bellamy would be a good thing for both of them? Bellamy who saved her life too many times to count. Bellamy who picked her up when she was down. Bellamy who stood by her and supported her whenever she needed it without her asking him too. She needed to make things right between them. She couldn’t go on without him by her side. She couldn’t even imagine her life without him. She needed him. 

No, that wasn’t it, there was more she realised. She didn’t only need him, she loved him. She always loved him, but she kept denying it because of all the crisis they were facing, and because she was mourning Lexa. Even back then, Lexa had told her that she cared for Bellamy more than she cared for the others. Lexa could feel it but she denied it. Well, no more. She was going to tell him how she feels about him. She was going to be honest with herself and him, starting tomorrow. She could not lose him.


	7. Chapter 7

The following day, Bellamy convinced Abby that he was fit to return to his duties which was a good start for the day. However, when he reported to Kane, things kind of went downhill.

Kane wasn’t alone, both Clarke and Octavia were there and Kane looked worried.

“What’s going on?” he asked.

“King Roan radioed Arcadia” Kane replied

“And?”

“Apparently Echo rounded up a number of suspects. He wants you to go to Polis to identify your attackers from them.”

Bellamy’s heart started thumping “No” he uttered. He wasn’t prepared to relive the nightmare. He didn’t want to fall apart in front of everyone.

Clarke tried to convince him to go “You need to slay your demons, Bellamy.” 

His breathing started getting shorter. He was going to hyperventilate, he felt it. “NO” he shouted as he ran out the door.

He heard Kane say “Let him go” as he ran to his quarters.

By the time he reached his room, he couldn’t breathe, his heart was pounding in his chest, cold sweat was prickling his skin and he was close to fainting. He knew what to do, Callahan told him to get a paper bag and slowly breathe in and out into it, to regulate his breathing. He tried to make it to the desk, where he kept the paper bag, but couldn’t. He fell to his knees, almost out of breath.

Octavia walked in then “Oh My God Bell. What’s wrong?”

“Desk….Paper bag” he told her between breaths.

She ran to the desk, got the paper bag and gave it to him. She sank down next to him and held him as he slowly got control over his breathing. He didn’t want her touching him, but breathing was more important just then, so he let her.

When the crisis passed, he sighed heavily and sat down on the floor with his back to the bed. He took a long breath, then another just to be sure it was over.

“Does this happen to you often?” She whispered.  
He didn’t reply.  
“Did it start after the attack?”  
He nodded.  
“I’m so sorry Bell.”  
“Thanks O. I’m better now.”

She looked at him and said “Look, I don’t know what happened to you or what you’re going through. But I have to believe that facing your attackers, is a good thing. If you identify them and they get punished, you’d get closure.”

“I can’t identify them because I didn’t see them.”

“Surely there is something you could recognise, like a voice or a smell.” She tried to reason with him. 

She was right of course, still, he just wasn’t ready, so he shook his head.

“I know you can do this. You need to do this, Bell.”

Could he do it? Could he identify his attackers, even face them? The old him maybe, but this version of himself wasn’t strong enough, it was broken. He was afraid his vulnerability would be on display for everyone to see. He couldn’t let that happen. Still, Octavia had a point, maybe he would get closure and this nightmare would be finally be over.

“Fine, I’ll go” he finally conceded.

Octavia excitedly said “Great. I’ll be right there by your side. I won’t leave you. I swear it”

He smiled at her “Thanks O.”

She nodded then left.

Bellamy went to Polis with by Kane, Octavia, Clarke, Nate, Monty and Harper. When they entered the throne room, it was already packed with the ambassadors from the 12 clans and their entourages.

King Roan nodded to him and smiled “Welcome Bellamy kom SkyKru. On behalf of Azgada I sincerely apologies for the crimes some of my people perpetrated against you. We believe we have found a number of people who could be the culprits and would like you to identify them” He then gestured to Echo and she nodded to her guards who promptly escorted the 20 Azgadeans in.

Unfortunately, he could not identify anyone. They all looked and smelled the same. “King Roan of Azgeda, I’m afraid I can’t identify anyone as I was blindfolded during the entire incident.”

There were murmurs in the room. Then out of the blue, Murphy waltzed in saying “I can identify Bellamy’s attackers.” The room erupted in uproars with people shouting he had no right to speak while others wanted to hear him out.

Bellamy fired his gun in the air and everyone stopped arguing and looked at him. “I wish to hear what Murphy has to say” He then looked at Murphy and smiled. “Murphy, please tell us what you know.”

Murphy walked to the middle of the room, then he began, “Emori and I traded a tranquilliser shot with three Azgadean males the night before the kidnapping. Emori suggested we follow them. We did and they lead us to some lady’s house, here in Polis, I can take you there. Later that night we saw them pay some Azgadean guards at the tower and then they went back to the lady’s house. Just before sunrise, they entered the tower and then we saw them carrying Bellamy out of the tower. Unfortunately, we were found by the bribed guards before we could do anything about it. They shoved us in a dungeon and left us there.”

“How did you escape?” asked Indra.

“When Echo escorted some prisoners into the dungeons. I tried everything to get her attention. She ignored me but when I told her that she needed to let us out because we know who attacked Bellamy She let us out and here we are.”

Bellamy nodded then asked “Can you identify the kidnappers?” Murphy nodded, then turned and pointed at a female and three males. The guards moved toward the throne and kicked them so they were on their knees in front of Roan.

“Can you identify the guards they bribed? Murphy looked around but shook his head in the negative. 

Echo stated “Not all Azgadean guards are here. We will parade them all in front of Murphy until they are identified and then they will be interrogated till we get to the bottom of it.”

Roan nodded at Echo, then walked down toward those identified by Murphy. He looked at them and asked “I would like to hear the reason for your crimes against Bellamy kom SkyKru.”

The lady identified by Murphy straightened her head and looked at Roan, then defiantly said “We wanted to punish SkyKru for making our king weak and to rid ourselves of this unholy alliance”

There were murmurs of approvals from the Azgedeans and displeasure from the rest. Roan shouted “Silence” then moved to face the woman “You think me weak?” He simply asked.

“I do” she replied without hesitation.

Swiftly, with one sweep of his sword, Roan chopped her head off. “Your fight is over” Roan stated as everyone gasped. He then walked back up to his throne and sat down. “The female has been punished.” Roan declared. The room went silent.

“King Roan if I may” started Bellamy.

“Speak Bellamy kom SkyKru”

“I believe their punishments should fit their crimes. Their crime wasn’t just a kidnapping, they also tortured me repeatedly. I’d like permission to interrogate them. To know who is guilty of which crime.”

“Permission granted, Echo accompany Bellamy for the interrogations.”

King Roan continued “We will meet tomorrow at the same time to decide on their punishments.”

Echo gestured for the guards to move the criminals to the dungeons. She bowed to Roan, then turned and left the room. Bellamy, Kane, Clarke and Octavia followed her. On the way out, Bellamy discreetly exchanged his gun with Miller’s taser who knotted his brows in confusion. Bellamy just smiled at him as if to say ‘Trust me’ and Miller nodded once.

Bellamy asked everyone not to go with him into the dungeon. Octavia looked at him as if to say “Are you sure?” He smiled and said “I got this sis.”

Octavia nodded “I’ll wait here. Yell if you need me” Bellamy smiled at her.

Kane said “We’ll wait with Octavia” but Clarke didn’t want to leave him. They haven’t had a minute to themselves and she needed to make sure he’s up for this.

“Wait. Bellamy, are you sure this is wise? Going in there without us”

“It may not be wise, but it is necessary.” He retorted.

They stepped down into the dungeon when Bellamy asked “Echo, can I interrogate them alone?”.

“You forget. I was the one that found you. I know exactly what they did to you.” Bellamy looked at her nervously. “Don’t worry your secret is safe with me.” Echo assured him.

“Thanks. Do you think Octavia knows? You two were the ones that found me.” He asked, hoping that Echo can appease his fears.

“I cannot say. However, I believe she saw only blood.”

When they arrived at the first cell, Eco asked “How do you wish to proceed?”  
“I want each of them chained to the their cell’s wall.” 

Echo gestured to the guards and they did as Bellamy asked. When they finished she ordered them to leave. She leaned toward Bellamy and whispered in his ear “I did not want them to hear anything” she advised Bellamy.

Bellamy thanked her then entered the first cell and stared at the prisoner who spat towards him saying “SkyKru scum”.

Echo stepped in and punched him in the guts.

“So, did you like my ass or my dick? Bellamy asked.

“Your ass”

“How many times did you rape me?” Bellamy asked. The prisoner didn’t reply.

Echo punched him in the face “Answer the question” she shouted.

The prisoner looked at them then quickly answered “Fffour times”

“Did you do anything else to me?”

“No”

Echo whispered “He’s lying”.

“If you tell me, the truth, I’ll let you do it one more time.” The glee in the prisoner’s eyes disgusted Bellamy.

“I sucked you reeeaaal good until you came, over and over.”

“How many times?” Bellamy asked between clinched teeth.

“I lost count”

“You need to tell me the truth or I won’t let you do it again”

“Three. Once with the hand and twice with the mouth”

Bellamy smiled at the prisoner “See that wasn’t so hard, now, was it?”

He stood in front of him and told Echo “Show me his dick” she raised her left eyebrow questioningly but complied with his request.

Bellamy acted as if he was opening his own zip. The prisoner licked his lips in anticipation. He tasered the prisoner’s mouth and hands saying, “That’s for touching and licking me without my permission.” The prisoner screamed loudly and shook violently until his voice was hoarse.

He gave the prisoner time to recover then tasered his dick “and that’s for putting that in me without my permission.” The prisoner howled in pain and it sounded eerie and painful. He wanted to hurt him some more, He wanted him to feel as helpless as he‘d made him feel. But he wanted justice not revenge, so he stopped himself.

“You lied.” The prisoner said after the pain subsided.

Bellamy smirked “Of course I lied. Did you think I’d let a filthy animal like you touch me if I can help it?” He straightened “By your own admission you violated my body 7 times and you tranquillising and kidnapped me. Does that make it 9 deaths according to your law?”

He looked the prisoner in the eyes, and for the first time since the interrogation started, the prisoner looked petrified. Satisfied, Bellamy turned a left the cell.

The remaining interrogations went smoothly. The other prisoners must have heard the screaming and taking one look at the taser, they answered Bellamy’s questions without too much persuasion. He was satisfied with their answers. He knew which one did what and how many times. He tasered each of them and watched them writhe in pain.

Bellamy and Echo left the dungeon and Bellamy told everyone that the prisoners confessed. He then asked them to meet him by the rover.

Next, he reported back to Roan and asked him not to tell everyone that he was raped. Roan shook his head and said, “We have to. The punishment for rape is twice as harsh as that of a killing.”

“I don’t care whether it’s 9 or 18 deaths they suffer, as long as they die in the end.”

Roan looked at him thoughtfully “Why is this important to you?”

“I don’t want my friends to know the details. I don’t want them to pity me. I want them to know that I was wronged, and that those responsible were punished accordingly. Please?”

Roan scrutinised him “I do not understand. In Azgeda, if you are raped you are revered. Your spirit is deemed powerful. The rapist is considered weak as he could not control his desires. We would not pity you.”

“If they know, they will treat me with care and gentleness, which is really showing me pity. I’d hate that.” Bellamy practically implored him.

“How do you propose we do this, then?” Roan turned away and looked out the window.

“I could tell them the number of times each prisoner wronged me, without going into details and ask for death by that number. Do you think this would work?”

“It might, but I’m sure the ambassadors will demand to know the actual crimes these people committed.”

“Can you tell them I do not wish to tell them the details and just sentence them?” Bellamy asked knowing he was fighting a loosing battle. Roan was right how can someone sentence someone without knowing what their crimes are?

“If I may my liege” Echo interrupted. Roan looked at her and nodded for her to continue. “You have the power to sentence anyone to death without giving a reason. No one will dare question you.”

Roan nodded at Echo then turned to Bellamy “Agreed?”

“Agreed” Bellamy said as he exhaled his breath. Thank you Echo, he thought to himself.

The ambassadors from the 13 clans reconvened in the throne room the following day. Roan looked at Bellamy and said “Bellamy kom SkyKru and Echo kom Azgeda, what are your findings?”

Echo replied, “We interrogated the prisoners and they admitted to their crimes against Bellamy kom SkyKru.” She then proceeded to name each prisoner and state the number of crimes he had committed against Bellamy.

The ambassador for Trushanakru asked “What crimes did they commit?”

Roan intervened “Bellamy kom SkyKru does not wish those details to be common knowledge. He has detailed them to me and I’ve decided that each of them dies by the number of crimes he committed, any objections.” He stared at every one in the room as if daring them to defy him.

There were a lot of murmuring but in the end, no one objected.

“They will be punished tomorrow at noon in the square?” Roan stated.

He looked at Bellamy “Bellamy kom SkyKru, you have been wronged by my people. On behalf of Azgeda I extend my apologies again and hope that you accept my justice in this matter.”

Bellamy stood facing Roan “King Roan Kom Azgeda, I accept your apology and your Justice. On behalf of Arcadia, I extend the hand of friendship and invite all representatives of the 12 clans to a party in Arcadia in two days.”

The room erupted in cheers. Kane was standing next to Bellamy. He Leaned closer to him and whispered “Smooth move Bellamy.”

Bellamy smiled and whispered “Hopefully this will ease the hostilities.”

“Let’s hope so.” Kane added smiling.

King Roan dismissed everyone and accompanied SkyKru back to their rover. Suddenly, Bellamy stopped and looked around him, then asked “Where are Murphy and Emori?”

Bellamy, Echo and Roan walked back to the tower to search for them there. While Clarke, Octavia, Nate, Monty and Harper split to search Polis.

“We’ll find them” Roan said to Bellamy and Bellamy nodded “Thanks, I owe them Roan.” But they couldn’t find them in the tower.

Before they made their way back to the rover, Roan took Bellamy aside and said “I am sorry this happened to you, my friend” Bellamy nodded and looked away. “I am just glad they didn’t ruin that perfect body and adorable face.”

Bellamy smiled but their was sadness in his eyes. Roan moved to kiss him but Bellamy stopped him by placing a hand on his chest, “Please don’t …. touch me, I …. I can’t” Bellamy stuttered.

Echo cleared her throat and they both moved away from each other. “My apologies for the intrusion my king. We have found Murphy.”

Roan beamed at her “Excellent work as always Echo”

They immediately went back and to the throne room. Bellamy found Murphy and Emori on their knees with their hands tied behind their backs. “What the hell, Echo? Bellamy yelled as he went to Murphy and started to untie him. He looked at Echo and said “I asked you to find them not imprison them.”

“My apologies” Echo said then quickly added “We were not sure what you needed them for” she then gestured for the guards to free them.

“I would like to take them with us. Please?” Bellamy asked Roan who nodded his assent. Bellamy smiled at him and left.

On the way to the rover, Bellamy looked at Murphy and Emori “I know you two prefer to be out there on your own. But I owe you both and I’d like to make things right between us Murphy, if you’ll let me?” This was Bellamy at his most earnest and when he was like that, no one could say no to him. Murphy and Emori of course agreed.

“Meet us at the square tomorrow and we’ll give you a lift back to Arcadia. There is a lot we need to talk about.” Bellamy added a little later.

The following day, Echo paraded the tower guards (the ones missing when Murphy identified the kidnappers) in front of Murphy and then Emori separately. They both identified the same two guards as those bribed by the kidnappers. Roan sentenced them to death as well.   
SkyKru, along with Murphy and Emori, witnessed as the punishment were meted out to the kidnappers and the bribed guards. It was barbaric and cringe worthy but Bellamy got the justice he needed and he sighed in relief at the end of it.

He turned to go to the rover when he found Clarke looking like she wanted to talk to him. He couldn’t do it. Right now his head was a mess. He needed to sort things out, absorb what just happened and find out what it means to him and his nightmares. He needed time, so he looked away from her and took the long way around to the rover. He knew he was avoiding her, but it couldn’t be helped. He’ll talk to her when he can make more sense of his feelings and thoughts. 

Everyone including Murphy and Emori got in the rover to go back to Arcadia.


	8. Chapter 8

Bellamy was told that Kane stayed behind to work on helping Roan remain in power, while Octavia stayed to protect him and the alliance.

Everyone was quiet on the trip back to Arcadia. Miller took the first driving shift (2 hours), Harper was supposed to drive next and then Clarke. Bellamy sat in the same row as Clarke but said nothing to her or to anyone. He just made himself comfortable and closed his eyes. He dozed off soon after.

Something woke him up, something that was niggling him in the back of his mind. Like he forgot something important. And that’s when he realised he hadn’t even said goodbye to his sister. After she’d forgiven him and stood by him, he left without so much as a thank you? God, what the hell was wrong with him? He told Miller to go back, but Miller said it’s wasn’t safe for them to go back.

“What do you mean it’s not safe?” 

Miller replied “A lot has happened while you were ‘interrogating’ the prisoners.”

“Like?”

“Roan lost the flame. Kane is trying to buy some time while Octavia searches for it.” Shit. Bellamy thought to himself. It’s the only thing keeping Roan in power. If O doesn’t find the flame, the king could be killed and we can kiss the alliance goodbye.

“Is Octavia safe? Kane?”

“For now. Kane ordered us to go home ASAP and not go back to Polis under any circumstances. He thinks that things could escalate quickly”

Bellamy nodded, he’d have to radio Octavia, as soon as they get back, to see if she’s all right and to thank her for being there for him. 

He couldn’t go back to sleep after that. He looked out the window and wondered why the grounders hated them so much. Granted we landed on their turf, but we had nowhere else to go. They attacked us first. Why couldn’t they just tell us ask us to leave or work something out, why did it have to be war? 

Then, after having victory within our grasp, they betrayed us in Mount Weather. Then when Allie came, because of stupid Jaha, we all suffered, SkyKru and grounders. Clarke put her own life in danger to switch Allie off and save us all. Yet, they still hated us.

And now, the grounders were playing political games , trying their best to undermine us and Roan, while we all face an impeding apocalypse. They didn’t know about it though. Maybe they should be told about it? What could they do anyway? Whatever they do, couldn’t be worse than death by radiation, could it?

Miller stopped the rover and moved to the back while Harper and Monty moved to the front. They were smiling and holding hands. Wait, were they together now? When did this happen? And why didn’t he know about it?   
‘Because you’ve been avoiding everyone, you idiot.’

Harper started driving and he turned to look at Clarke. She was asleep. Her blond hair looked like a hallow around her angelic face. A lock of hair was doing it’s best to fall down and he almost moved his hand to push it back in place, but didn’t. It was a habit. He had pushed that particular lock up so many times in the past, when things were better between them. When he wasn’t so broken. When he wasn’t an ass to her.

He regretted kicking her out of his room. He regretted not giving her time to explain why she hadn’t visited him. He regretted avoiding her. God, he regretted so many things.

She looked peaceful and so cuddly right now, and he had a strong urge to hold her. He ran both hands through his hair then looked at her again. Not being able to talk to her felt wrong. He needed to make things right between them again. But first, he needed to fix himself. Clarke deserved someone who was whole and in control. What he was now is a broken mess.

He hadn’t seen her this relaxed in ages. In fact he hasn’t seen any of his friends this relaxed in a long time. The 100 kids, who came down on the drop ship, had dwindled down to about 30. Those that remained were most of his friends and he was thankful for that. He laid his head at the back of his seat and went to sleep.

When the rover stopped again, he woke up to find Harper switching places with Clarke. He gestured for Monty to swap with him and went to the front with Clarke.

She looked at him with confusion on her face. He smiled tentatively at her. Her heart skipped a beat. ‘He’s here, he’s really here.’ She thought to herself, excitedly.

She looked away and started to drive. Awkward silence stretched between them for a while. She’d look at him and he’d look away. Then he’d look at her and she’d look away.   
‘We’re acting like a couple of awkward teenagers.’ She thought.

She could see he wanted to say something but was holding back. “Why are you here Bellamy?” Clarke finally got enough courage to ask.

“I thought I’d keep you company”

“Really? After ignoring me and making me feel like I was nothing, you want to keep me company?”

“I…” he stopped himself before he said the wrong thing. He wanted to say sorry, but it just wasn’t coming out.

“You clearly want to say something. So say it. It’s OK, whatever it is. I’m a big girl, I can take it.”

“Clarke ….I ….know ….I’m ….we” He tried one more time but his thoughts were in complete disarray.

“You’re scaring me Bellamy. What is it?”

“I’ve been an ass to you, Clarke. You don’t deserve that. I’m… I’m sorry. OK?”

“Apology not accepted. You can’t just treat me like a piece of shit, then say sorry and expect me to forgive you”

“I know. I don’t know….. I don’t know what’s happening to me, Clarke. Half the time I feel like I’m not thinking clearly and the other half I don’t even recognise me. I want to ask you to be patient with me, but I know we don’t have time for patience.”

“I’ll make the time.” She whispered as she moved her hand to hold his and squeeze it.

“Thanks” he said and looked out the window.

They finally arrived in Arcadia. Everyone got out of the rover and went their separate ways. Harper, Monty and Miller said their good nights and hurriedly went into the Ark. Clarke, Bellamy, Emori and Murphy stood in a circle beside the rover.

“We need to find a room for Murphy and Emori” Bellamy told Clarke.

“I’ll go organise it, wait here.” Clarke said as she walked into the Ark.

Murphy looked at Bellamy “So. You said there is a lot we needed to talk about”

“Yes, we do. I want you both to stay in the Ark with us. Don’t leave.”

“Bellamy, we…” Murphy started but was stopped in mid-sentence by Bellamy holding his hand up to silence him.

“Wait, just let me finish. When Clarke switched off Allie, she found out that the nuclear plants around the world were melting. Raven estimates we have about 2 months until the end of the world.”

“And staying here will save us how?” Murphy asked in his uniquely Murphy way.

“We’ve been fixing the Ark’s radiation shields. We have everything we need to survive, for at least 10 years, in the Ark. You both won’t survive out there.”

Murphy looked at Emori and something passed between them. Murphy looked back at Bellamy and said “Thanks for thinking about us. We’re survivors, of course we’ll stay. Thanks’

“Good. Clarke will come back and take you to your assigned quarters. I’m gonna go now. Meet me in the mess hall tomorrow around 3pm? We need to talk, you and I.”

Murphy nodded and Bellamy made his way to his quarters.

Murphy arrived at 3 pm as requested. He saw Bellamy sitting in the corner away from everyone and made his way to him.

Bellamy smiled and said “Good. You made it. Take a seat”

Murphy sat next to him “Is this where we talk about our feelings then hug and sing Kumbaya?”

Bellamy smirked. “Ever the sceptic. Aren’t you Murphy. That’s not how it goes. What’s your poison?”

“Is there anything other than Jasper and Monty’s moonshine?”

“Yes, the chancellor gave me an old bottle of something called scotch, wanna try it?” Bellamy said as he produced a bottle from under the table.

“Sure, why not.”

Bellamy poured the liquid in a couple of small glasses and gave one to Murphy. He then raised his glass saying “Bottoms up” and they both drank.

“Look Murphy, I’m sorry about the hanging and the banishment. We are different people now. I like to think that we both grew up a little. How about we start a new chapter?”

“Sure, what will we call it?”

“The new and improved Bellamy and Murphy?” Bellamy poured them another shot of Scotch. 

“I’d like that” Murphy said.

They drank again.

“I never hated you Murphy. I was angry at you, but never hated you. You were my first lieutenant and I relied on you and trusted you. I trust you now and I respect you for surviving alone without our help. I’d like us to be friends again.”

“Float me now”

“I”m serious Murphy, I am extending the hand of friendship” And he extended his hand. Murphy hesitated for a split second and shook Bellamy’s hand.

Bellamy poured them another couple of shots and they drank.

“So, tell me about Emori” Bellamy requested smiling.

“So, tell me about the rape” Murphy countered.

Bellamy stiffened, and Murphy swore under his breath “Shit. I’m sorry Bellamy. I didn’t mean anything by it. It was a joke. A very very bad joke. Please I’m sorry”

Bellamy looked away, he felt his heart hammering in his chest. ‘Not again’ he thought to himself and tried his best to control that feeling “I can’t talk about it. Maybe one day I will, but right now, I can’t. I still have nightmares.”

“I’m sorry Bellamy.”

“So, the cocky Bellamy Blake got what he deserved, right?”

“No Bellamy, you didn’t deserve that. No one deserves that and specially not you. You have been decent and honourable. All of us look up to you. Without you we wouldn’t have lasted this long. You laid your life on the line for us. You of all people didn’t deserve that.”

“Why Murphy I didn’t think you cared!” Bellamy tried to lighten the mood.

“I care. I care about all of you.”

Bellamy poured them a couple of shots and they both drank.

“I want to thank you for caring enough to help me get justice and for trying to rescue me”

“Sure. Got any more of that Scotch?”

Bellamy poured a another couple of shots and they drank in silence.

“You are important to me, you know that? I feel like you’re my little brother. I will always care about you. You matter to me.”

“Why Bellamy I didn’t think you cared!”

They both laughed.

Bellamy went on a hunting trip after he left Murphy. When he returned later that day, he was beyond exhausted. He went to the kitchen and took his food ration, then went back to his quarters to eat it.

After eating, Bellamy had a shower and changed to go to bed. Sleep was still a problem though. So, after tossing and turning, he went to his desk and turned his computer on so he could revisit his list again. He crossed off item 5 as he felt he made Murphy believe that he mattered.

After some thought, he removed the line he had through item 1 and smiled. All is not lost he told himself.

He went to bed and slept. And for the first time since his assault, Bellamy didn’t revisit his nightmare, instead he dreamt of a white sandy beach, a clear blue sky and a Clark running towards him in a skimpy bikini. He catches her in his arms and they kiss hungrily.

Bellamy woke up with a smile.


	9. Chapter 9

When Bellamy woke up the next morning, he was relaxed, but then he immediately remembered his sister. He’s been trying to radio Octavia ever since he returned from Polis but hasn’t been able to get through to her or anyone in Polis for that matter. He was worried his only solace was the fact that Octavia is strong and she can take care of herself.

He quickly showered and got dresses. He ran to the command centre wanting to radio Octavia before her went on patrol. When he entered the room, he found Clarke, with her back to the door, talking on the radio. 

Clarke: [We need to tell them Roan. Things are getting out of hand. If they know, they will help us instead of fight us at every turn. We need all the help we can get at this stage]

The door automatically clicked to close and there was a soft hum which alerted Clarke that someon has entered the room. She turned and smiled but there was tension in her smile. She gestured for him to come over and Bellamy walked up to her. He caught the last sentence from Roan.

Roan: […..We don’t even know if that bunker is a viable option.]

He looked at Clarke quizzically, as if to ask, what’s he talking about?

“Jaha found a bunker that can easily fit 1500 people.” She told him and he nodded.

Clarke: [We’ve sent our people to see if it’s a viable option.We should know by the end of the day.]

Roan: [Then we won’t tell them until we’re sure]

Clarke: [You might be dead by then] then to bellamy she said “The ambassadors have found out about the flame and they’ve asked for his head”

Roan: [If you were here I’d slay you for that comment. I’ll be fine. Just hurry your people up. I need to tell the ambassadors about Primafyre, but I also need to tell them I have a solution]

Bellamy picked up the radio speaker: [Roan, it’s Bellamy. How are Octavia and Kane? I’ve been trying to talk to them but couldn’t get through]

Roan: [They’re both here under my protection. I’ve told our war chiefs about Primafyre and the bunker. They have all provided their people to guard the tower and the bunker. No one can enter without or exit without my permission. They are fine, my friend.]

Clarke raised an eyebrow at the last word. Bellamy ignored her.

Bellamy: [Thanks Roan. Do you think the ambassadors will still be in the mood for a party after they get the news?]

Roan: [That would be the best time to celebrate, particularly if we tell them the bunker will save them]

Bellamy: [We will continue with the preparations. See you tomorrow.]

Roan: [Yes, see you then. Hopefully we can avert the crisis. Clarke give me an update on the bunker every hour.]

Clarke: [I will].

Roan then cut the radio off.

Clarke looked at Bellamy “Since when?”

“What?” Bellamy looked confused.

“Since when have Roan and you been friends?”

Bellamy was about to reply, but decided to take a minute first. He had to give her something, but he wasn’t prepared to get into the details with her. Their truth was tenuous at best and he didn’t want to rock the boat. So he settled for the bare minimum answer “Since he asked me a favour. And I can’t talk about it. In case you wanted some clarifications.”

“I was just curious. You too had major issues trusting each other and now you’re friends?”

He looked away from her then “I’m going on patrol. Can you start the preparations for the party? Raven can help, she was interested in getting involved.”  
Clarke nodded and Bellamy made his way out of the room.

When he returned from patrol, he found Raven and Clarke in another heated argument.

“Play nice” he remarked and they both turned on him.

“This is your fault, you invited them here. How do you think they’ll react to the fixed Ark?” Raven began in a huff.

“Why is this a problem?”

Clarke replied “Our people at the bunker say it needs a lot of work. They don’t know if they’ll get enough time to fix it”

“Does Roan know?”

“Of course he knows. He’s threatening to take over the Ark.” Clarke replied impatiently.

“So we tell him we’ll send more people over”

“That will look like we are trying to take the bunker from them”

“Since when are you the peacemaker, Blake? Why did you have to open your mouth and invite them.” Raven wasn’t happy with him and all he wanted to do was extend the hand of a friendship.

“I can’t believe you two are fighting instead of putting your brilliant heads together to fix this. I’m disappointed.”

Raven flipped him a finger and Clarke laughed “He’s right, we can figure this out.”

The solution was simple, they were going to make the Ark look like it’s falling apart. A falling door here, a tube hanging from a ceiling there, some sparks from wires as well as dirt and mud on the floors. They also agreed to tell Roan that the Ark needs work just like the bunker does. Hopefully that would redirect Roan’s thoughts from the Ark to the bunker. They also offered to send more people to fix the bunker.

Roan seems to have bought it as he radioed to tell them that he advised the ambassadors and they were all selecting 100 people to survive in the bunker.

He was then bombarded with questions from both of them, what food should they prepare, what alcohol to serve, what kind of entertainment should they provide? ON and on until he made a bee line for his quarters and hid there for the rest of the day.

The dignitaries from the 12 clans started arriving around mid-morning the next day They were each assigned a welcoming party and a security detail that escorted them to their quarters. Bellamy assigned himself as the welcoming party for Azgeda.

When King Roan, Echo and two of their war chiefs arrived, Bellamy greeted them and escorted them to their quarters. “The party will commence at sundown. I will return and escort you then. In the meantime, you may rest and freshen up.”

Roan thanked him.

“Is there anything I can bring you? Some refreshments perhaps? Bellamy asked.

“No” replied Roan dismissively.

Bellamy turned and walked away. He wasn’t upset over the dismissal, he knew Roan had to act this way around his people. What he really needed was to get a few minutes with him privately to ask him a favour.

He returned before sundown and knocked on the door. Echo opened the door, and he asked her for a few minutes to talk to Roan in private. She nodded and then closed the door. A few minutes later, she opened it and gestured for him to enter, then walked out and closed the door behind her.

“Hi Bellamy, to what do I owe the pleasure” Roan smirked.

“I need to ask you a favour”

Roan took a step towards him and Bellamy took a step back and put his hand up to stop him from coming any closer “You still can’t be touched?” 

“Yes”

“I hope you know how sorry I am for your suffering”

“I didn’t come here to talk about that. I came to ask you for a favour”

“Anything for you”

“I want you to meet someone. I think you two will hit it off. You can both find happiness before….”

“No. I’m not interested right now.”

“Raven is amazing, she is the smartest person in Arcadia. She is also beautiful and sexy and funny and extremely loyal.”

“If she is all those things, then why does she not have her own mate?”

“He died and she hasn’t been the same since. Look all I’m asking is for you to meet her and get to know her. Give her a chance and if you do not feel any attraction towards her then so be it”

“You really care about this Raven. I thought you only cared about Clarke”

“I care about all of them”

“All right Bellamy, I will meet this Raven”

“Thanks Roan. I’ll introduce you at the party”

And just like that, Bellamy put a plan in motion for item 3 on his bucket list. All that remained were items 1 and 4. He intended to party with Jasper and Monty after the official party was over tonight. That would leave him to concentrate on item 1 and Clarke. Which was both the most important and most difficult.

The party started with Kane and Abbie giving speeches about friendships and how Arcadia can help them survive Primafyre. Then, Clarke and Bellamy officially opened the party. Jasper started playing music from Maya’s iPod. At first no one mingled but Bellamy and Clarke went to two separate clans to talk and soon the rest of the Arcadian delegates were talking to all the remaining clans. 

Soon, the Arcadians started to dance and then they invited the delegates to join them. Dancing and drinking and laughter filled the air as everyone was having a good time.

Clarke tried to get Bellamy’s attention on several occasions but he either ignored her or just walked away from her. He did not want to deal with her yet. He wanted to start his plan for Raven. He spotted her as soon as she joined the party. He ran up to her and said “Hi”. She simply nodded. 

“I want you meet someone” he said as he pointed to King Roan who was sitting on his own watching the festivities around him. 

“You want me to meet the king? After what happened to you?” Raven asked bewildered.

He tried to persuade her. “The king is my friend and he had nothing to do with what happened to me. I think you will be surprised at how smart and funny he is.” 

Raven shook her head, a little unsure “I don’t know.”

“What have you got to lose?” He pressed on.

She shrugged “OK, lead the way, Blake”

Bellamy walked over to Roan with Raven behind him. “King Roan, allow me to introduce Raven Reyes, the smartest person in all of Arcadia” he then turned and continued “Raven, King Roan Kom Azgeda”

Roan smiled appreciatively at Raven “Please to meet you Raven Kom Skykru” When their eyes locked, Bellamy thought he saw Raven freeze. She didn’t return the king’s greeting.

He coughed. Raven shook her head as if to clear her head and hurriedly said with one of her radiant smiles “You too king” 

Roan looked genuinely pleased, “Please come join me” he said as he gestured to the seat next to him. Raven complied, almost too quickly. 

Bellamy looked at her as if to ask if she was ok. She nodded once and that was his queue to leave them alone. He made some excuse to leave.

An hour later, Bellamy looked over at Roan who was deep in conversation with Raven. He looked totally entranced. Raven got up to get some drinks and when she came back she said something to Roan and they both laughed.

“Seems your good deeds keep piling up” Clarke observed as she came and stood next to him.

He nodded. “I want her to be happy, Clarke.”

“She seems to be.”

“Roan looks smitten with her, don’t you think?”

“I guess.”

Silence stretched between them, yet again. “What about you Bellamy. Don’t you want to be happy?”

“Of course I do, but we all know happy endings are for the storybooks.”

“You really believe that or is that as a result of your assault”

He stiffened, then turned and walked away.

Clarke cursed under her breath. They were having a normal conversation and she had to bring that up and ruin everything. She could kick herself. He had told her to be patient with him and what does she do? She rushes him.

Bellamy found Jasper and Monty after he left Clarke, “Hey guys, having fun?”

“Yeah” they both nodded. Jasper offered him a drink which he took and sat down.

“Meet me in the rec-room after the party, bring stuff for a private party.” They both nodded and high-fived each other. 

He laughed then walked away. He rejoined the party and greeted and talked to as many grounders as he could. He could see Clarke and Kane doing the same thing. A pretty female grounder asked him to dance and he declined graciously. He doesn’t dance and besides, he would probably freak out if she touched him.

“God, it’s so hard to catch up with you Bell.” Octavia said from behind him.

He whirled around “O?” He smiled “So good to see you.”

She moved to hug him but stopped herself. She knew he didn’t like to be touched. “You too big brother.”

“When we left Polis, I though you were in the over. But then Miller told me you stayed behind. I felt so bad for not saying bye. I’m so sorry, O.”

“That’s OK. I know you’ve been trying to contact me ever since. Shit happens. But we’re OK.”

“Yes. We are.”

He gestured for her to walk with him to the high ground. They sat on top of the hill and watched the festivities below.

“You did a good thing, here.” She said and he nodded.

“Do you think” Octavia started “If we survive, we’ll ever be at peace?” 

“I think anything is possible, if you work at it.” Bellamy replied but wasn’t sure he would ever be at peace.

“There is a lot of grumbling in Polis. They are selecting their survivors but are arguing about who will be their leader in the bunker.”

“What about Roan?”

“That’s the problem. Half of them want him and the other is against him. Roan is not safe.”

“Is anyone safe? I don’t get it. We’re faced with total annihilation and they are arguing about who should rule. How is that logical?”

“It’s not about logic, it’s about power.” She took a deep breath “The people not selected might become a problem for you. They might try to take over the Ark.”

Alarmed he said “Thanks for the heads up.”

They sat in silence, each lost in their own thoughts. “O. I want you with us in the Ark.”

“I don’t belong here, Bell. We already had that conversation.”

“Yes. But things have changed since then. You belong with me. If you stay in the bunker, I won’t have any peace, not knowing if you’re dead or alive.”

“It’ll be the same for me.”

“Then, why do it? Why make us both suffer?”

“I’ll think about it.”

“Bell? Are you OK?”

“I’m getting there.”

“Good”

Octavia left for Polis soon after, but Bellamy stayed on that hill. He wanted to get better. He wanted to stop flinching at the mention of his rape. And he wanted to be able to hug and be hugged. He wanted to feel human touch again. 

But he was also a realist. They had less than two months to make sure they can survive Primafyre. That was not enough time for him to recover. He’s read that rape victims never fully recover from their ordeal. They may better deal with it, which takes years, but never fully recover. What hope does he have?

That was the problem. He can do so many things. Help people, talk and inspire them, but he can’t forget. Every time he closes his eyes, he’s bombarded with the memories. 

When the party was over, he made his way down to go meet with Jasper and Monty.

“I feel like getting drunk. Who’s with me?” Bellamy asked Jasper and Monty.


	10. Chapter 10

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry guys for taking so long to post this chapter, I had a few things to deal with.
> 
> All is good.
> 
> Hope you enjoy this chapter.

Both Monty and Jasper screamed “Me” at the same time and gave themselves that weird handshake of theirs.

Jasper poured them three glasses of his moonshine and gave it to them.

Bellamy raised his glass to them “To friends” he said. 

Jasper stopped him from drinking “to the best man I know” but before he could drink Monty said “to the man who gives me hope everyday”

Bellamy looked at them then asked, “Can I drink now?” they both laughed and nodded.

Bellamy drank while Jasper went to put some music on’ Bellamy looked at Monty and said “ So, Harper”

Monty smiled and said “Yes”

Bellamy took a sip of his drink and when Jasper rejoined them Monty said “I mean when it’s right, it’s right. Know what I mean?”

“What are we talking about?” Jasper asked as he downed his second glass in one go.

“Harper” answered Monty.

“Couldn’t be happier for you man” Jasper said as he poured himself another glass.

Bellamy smiled at Monty “I’m happy for you too.”

Monty looked at him for a bit and asked “You OK?”

Bellamy looked away “I’m getting there.”

“If there is anything you need?”

“I’m good Monty, but thanks.”

Jasper piped in “Who wants some jobi nuts?”

Monty and Bellamy raised their hands. Jasper disappeared behind the bar and came back with some cups full of tea and the nuts, which he handed to both of them and they all drank.

As Bellamy drank, he looked at Jasper “I never said I’m sorry … about Maya. Things kept happening and I never had a chance. I’m sorry about that too.”

Jasper nodded once an looked away.

“I want you to understand” Bellamy continued. “We never meant for it to happen. We saw all of you caught and helpless. We saw Raven inhumanly being drilled into and screaming in agony. We tried to reason with Cage, but he wasn’t listening. So we turned the lever. If we’d known you were free and pretending to be caught we would have waited. None of us wanted this. Please Jasper, I am really sorry.”

Jasper eyes started to water “I know. I know it had to be done, but Maya died of radiation in my arms. I couldn’t do a thing to save her. I had just found her and then I lost her. Do you understand that?”

“Of course I do. I lost Gena remember?”

“Yeah, but she didn’t die in your arms.”

“God. Jasper, If I could take it back I would. I live with this everyday. But I want us to be alright. I want you to be alright.”

“I’m alright. We’re alright. All is good” Jasper said as he laid himself on the ground and smiled dreamily.

Monty looked at Bellamy and shook his head, as if to say Jasper is not alright. Suddenly Jasper sprang up. “Let’s play ‘Never have I ever”

“How does that work” asked Bellamy.

“Someone tells us something he’s never done. If you’ve done it you drink. If someone doesn’t drink they get the next go. I’ll start. Never have I ever slept with a girl.”  
Both Bellamy and Monty drank.

Jasper laughed in an evil kind of way “Never have I ever betrayed a friend”  
Neither Bellamy nor Monty drank.   
“Liars” screamed Jasper “You both betrayed a friend. Bellamy you betrayed Lincoln. Monty you betrayed me when you shot me.”  
“You stabbed me first, that was not a betrayal, it was self defence.” Monty countered.  
Bellamy quietly drank.

Monty said “Never have I ever giving up on us, the 100”  
Jasper drank.

Bellamy said “Never have I ever been carefree”  
Both Monty and Jasper drank.

“Never have I ever danced”  
Both Monty and Jasper drank.

“Never have I ever…” he was going to say laugh, but that would be a lie. So instead he said “been in jail on the Ark”  
Both Monty and Jasper drank, then Jasper said “Hey that’s not fair. You’re not supposed to use our past against us. Say something deep and meaningful or else I won’t be drinking”

Bellamy smiled “ OK, never have I ever got so drunk that I couldn’t remember what I did”  
Jasper drank.

Monty was next “Never have I ever had sex with a man”  
Bellamy drank and both Jasper and Monty were so shocked that they gaped at him. 

Jasper continued “Never have I ever gone skinny dipping”  
No one drank.

“I’m going skinny dipping, who’s with me?” Bellamy asked. Monty and Jasper raced him to the river’s bed.  
They took their clothes off and jumped in the cool water yelling and splashing and laughing. Bellamy really enjoyed himself even though deep down inside he knew this was irresponsible particularly since they were semi drunk and stoned. It didn’t matter though, he was having fun. Pure, innocent, invigorating fun. 

When they had enough, they all got out and lied down on the ground, completely naked and wet. Just to take their breath. When they looked at each other, they all burst out laughing. Bellamy felt the happiest in a long time.

Jasper got up first and got dressed, Bellamy and Monty followed. Then Jasper looked at Bellamy and said “I forgive you Bellamy. I always did but was too stubborn to admit it.” Bellamy mouthed a ‘thank you’.

Jasper then continued “I want you both to respect what I have to say. I don’t want to survive in a coffin, whether it’s the Ark or the bunker. That would not be living. Please tell me you understand.”

“No, I don’t understand.” Monty said “You’re my best friend Jasper. I don’t remember any part of my life without you in it. I can’t let you give up”

“I’m not giving up, I’m making a choice.”

Monty cried then. Bellamy placed his hand on Monty’s shoulder and said “You can’t help someone who doesn’t want to be helped Monty”

Monty looked at Bellamy “I can’t let him die. I can’t”

“Sorry guys, I didn’t mean to put a damper on things. Forget I said anything. Just remember the fun we had tonight. Good night” Jasper smiled then walked quickly away.

Monty started to follow him but Bellamy held him back “Let him go Monty, he needs to think about this”

“I can’t let him die Bellamy, I just can’t”

“Maybe he’ll change his mind. Just give him time” Monty nodded.

After saying goodnight, they went their separate ways. As Bellamy made his way to his quarters, fully clothed but dripping wet, he saw Raven come out of Roan’s quarters with a smile on her face. He was happy his plan worked but he was also happy that she was happy and he got to see her brilliant smile once more.

“Reyes” he smirked.

“Blake” she smirked back, then walked away.

When Bellamy finally made it to his quarters he was so exhausted that he flopped down on his bed and immediately went to sleep, fully clothed and dripping wet.

“Bellamy” someone was shouting his name. He flipped to his side and continued sleeping.

“Bellamy” whoever was shouting continued shouting his name and then started shaking him.

He finally woke up drowsily. His head was aching, he felt like crap and this person was shaking him from his peaceful sleep. “Get out” he shouted back and tried to go back to sleep.

“Bellamy, wake up” the person continued shaking him.

“Stop” he shouted as he got up and pushed the arm, that was shaking him, away. He looked up to find Clarke looking at him.

A smirk slowly took shape on his face “What’s the matter princess, did you miss me?”

“Get up and meet me in the control centre. And clean yourself up”

He saluted “Yes ma’m”.

Bellamy took his time grooming himself and getting dressed. He took his time going to the control centre. He wasn’t in the mood to deal with any crisis, but it looked like he might have to, so he tried to delay the meeting with Clarke as long as possible.

When he finally made it there, Clarke looked up at him and said “You took your time”

“I had a late night and needed to get myself together. Still have a headache though.”

Bellamy thought she looked irritated or impatient with him. “So, what was so important that you had to get me out of bed?”

“We need to talk”

“And that couldn’t wait?”

“No, it couldn’t”

“So, talk”

She walked to the couch and sat down. She looked up at him, then looked away.

“Could you please sit down” she asked in a soft voice. Bellamy sat on the chair opposite the couch and waited for her to talk.

She looked back at him “I am not happy with us”

“Us?”

“You and me”

“I know I’ve been an ass Clarke, but I thought we were OK”

“Well we’re not. I don’t feel like I can talk to you anymore. You either snap my head off or walk away.”

“Sorry” he said and looked down.

She placed her hand on his knee and he looked at her face “I need you Bellamy. I can’t do this alone. I know you are dealing with a lot, but I need my friend back”

He wanted to say he wanted his old self back too. He wanted to tell her that he would be there for her, but he knew he couldn’t, not right now, not the way he is.

Bellamy ran his hands through his hair “I’m trying Clarke. I want me back too” 

She nervously smiled at him “You and I have been through a lot together. I hated you at first, but I’ve grown to respect you. I’ve grown to rely on you and trust you like no other. I think you feel the same way too, don’t you?”

“You know I do”

“Then let me in. Tell me what you need so I can help you find your way back”

“I need …” he wanted to say ‘You’ but he couldn’t. He can barely tolerate her touching his knee. He continued “More time”

“I need to tell you something.” She said as she got up and started pacing up and down the room.  
“You were right to be angry with me” she began “When you went missing, I went out of my mind with worry. When they found you, you were so lost and broken and I couldn’t cope with seeing you like that. So, I drank. I drank because I couldn’t help you, because you went through hell and I …. I couldn’t do a thing about it. I drank because I felt so lost without you. I realise now that I was running away, and that’s on me. I wasn’t there when you needed me the most and I’m so sorry Bellamy”

Bellamy gulped “I ran away too. I locked myself up in my room and avoided everyone. So it wasn’t your fault, it was mine.”

“We both didn’t cope. But Bellamy, I believe we can face anything as long as we are together.”

Bellamy looked away from her beautiful blue eyes. He hadn’t realised how much he missed them looking at him, just like that. He wanted to believe what she said, but he knew better. He had a long way to recover and it wouldn’t be fair for her to wait for him. She should move on with someone else.

“Please don’t shut me out, let me help you”

He stood up and moved a couple of paces away from her, “No one can help me Clarke. You need to move on without me”

“No…” Clarke whispered the word and her eyes started to water. “Bellamy, no, don’t give up” She cried.

Bellamy’s eyes started to water too “I can’t Clarke. I can’t….” He voice shook and he couldn’t talk anymore.

She walked up to him and put her arms around him. He flinched and tried to push her away, but she kept holding on to him “ I love you” she whispered.

Nothing had ever moved him more than those three words. And when she continued to hold him, he no longer wanted to push her away, he wanted to be touched by her, and only her. He wrapped his arms around her and cried.

Clarke held on to him tightly as he shook and cried on her shoulder. Her heart went out to him. This man who stood tall against all odds, who did everything in his power to protect them, never asking for anything in return. This man was so broken that he openly cried. Instead of feeling sorry for him, she respected him for being this vulnerable with her. So she held on until he stopped crying.

He moved her arms from around him and stepped back to wipe his tears on his sleeves. He then looked at her and cupped her face “Clarke, I….” But before he could finish the sentence, he was interrupted by Echo and five Azgeda warriors rushing in the room with swords drawn.  
Echo shouted “Arrest them”.


	11. Chapter 11

9 HOURS AGO

Octavia was riding on a horse on her way back to Polis when she saw the Azgeda army on the march. She hid in the forest to spy on them as they passed her. Apparently, Roan ordered an assault on Arcadia and they were very happy to oblige. She stayed as long as she could, but could not find out why this was happening. She hurried back to Polis, to Indra’s house, and picked up the radio and called Kane.   
Octavia [Kane? The Azgeda army is on it’s way to Polis. You have about seven hours to evacuate everyone.]  
Kane [Did you find out why?]  
Octavia [No. I was on my way back to Polis when I saw them. I spied for a little bit. All I could get was Roan ordered it but not why]  
Kane [Are our people in the bunker safe?]  
Octavia [I don’t know. I’ll check and get back to you]  
Kane [Tell them to lock it down until we get there. I’ll be sending our people there]  
Octavia [The bunker is guarded, I can’t take them all out]  
Kane [You don’t need to. Our people may be in danger. Just make sure they are all right and if they are, join them in the bunker]  
Octavia [What are you gonna do]  
Kane [Get the civilian to safety and set up our guards on the hills. They won’t be able to pass]  
Octavia [What about Roan?]  
Kane [Leave him to me. Just stay safe]  
Octavia [Make sure Bellamy is safe]  
Kane [Of course….You did good, Octavia. Thank you]

Octavia switched off the radio and went to the bunker. There were only three guards and they were mostly asleep. She slipped passed them and into the bunker. Soon after the bunker doors were locked. 

Kane got to work straight away. He got his guards to wake everyone and not make any noise. They then met up at the hills. The civilians were sent to Polis with some guards, while the remaining guards were strategically positioned on the hills outside Arcadia.  
Sergeant Miller came up to Kane and told him ambassadors and their entourages were safely escorted to a cave nearby and everyone from Arcadia is accounted for except for Clarke and Bellamy. “I don’t know where they are, Sir. They were not in their quarters. Do you want me to go back for them?”

“No, there is no time. We must assume that Roan got them.”

“What are your orders, Sir?”

“Tell everyone to stay alert, no shooting until I give the order.”

“Yes, Sir”

PRESENT TIME

When Echo shouted arrest them Clarke immediately asked “What’s going on?”

Echo replied “Roan’s orders” and gestured for her warriors to tie them up.

“Wait Echo, you can’t. Bellamy can’t handle being bound”

Echo looked at Bellamy and her features softened a little. “Tie their hands together” . Their hands were tied together with roped, their mouthed were gaged and sacks were placed on their heads. They were dragged for a while. 

Bellamy couldn’t breathe. His heart was racing and he was sweating. He was close to a panic attack, he just knew it. He felt helpless and he had no where to hide. Clarke must have felt it too, because she moved her hand to touch his. To let him know she was there for him. He immediately touched her hand and calmed down a little.

They must have arrived at the intended destination as the dragging stopped and he heard Echo’s voice saying “My liege, I have them”

“Good work Echo”   
{Of course it was Roan, but why did he arrest us?} Bellamy thought to himself.

“How far out is the army?” Roan continued.  
{Army? Why is Azgeda attacking us when we just partied with them?}

“About a couple of hours, but Sire, something strange is going on”

“What do you mean, strange?”

“The Ark seems to be abandoned. I haven’t seen anyone moving about on my way here”  
{Great, everyone made it out}

“Do you think they were warned? But by who?” Roan asked.

“I can only assume, Octavia?”  
{Thank God for Octavia} Bellamy thought with a smile on his face. 

“No matter, they will not have had enough time. We continue as planned”

“Yes , Sire”

The Azgeda army came into sight of the guards on the hills and they radioed Kane. He walked out of Arcadia to meet them on the road overlooked by the hills.

The army continued marching until Roan halted them ten paces from Kane. Soon red streaks were all over his body and he knew he walked right into a trap. He gestured for Echo to bring the prisoners. She got off her horse and brought them to the front and made them kneel. Then she took the sacks off their faces.

Kane’s heart dropped when he saw them. He knew that Roan had them but he still wasn’t prepared to see them like that. He felt sorry for Bellamy the most. The poor kid must be going out of his mind.

“What is this about King Roan” shouted Kane.

With a smirk on his face, Roan replied “It’s about you betraying us”

“How exactly?”

Roan calmly answered “Tell your marksmen to stand down or I kill the prisoners”

“You kill them, we kill you, all of you. We have enough bullets and we have the high grounds.”

Roan looked up to see a large number of the sky people with guns all aimed at them. He knew he was beat but he had to safe faith in front of his army.

“What is this about? Kane asked again, then tried for diplomacy “Ten minutes, that is all I ask and we can avoid a blood bath”

Roan nodded. He gestured to Echo and the Azgeda warriors to put down their weapons. Kane did the same to his guards and they put down their weapons.

Kane and Roan moved to a cave nearby to talk. As soon as they entered the cave, Kane asked “Care to tell me why you want to attack us?”

Roan stared intensely at Kane “You lied to us. You told us the Ark is not ready and your are trying to find a solution for us. We find that the Ark is ready, has been ready for a while. Is that how allies behave in your world?”

“The Ark can only sustain 100 people. That is why we looked for the bunker. That is why we are trying to fix the bunker, so we can all survive” Kane tried to reason with him.

“Fine. We take the Ark and you continue to work on the bunker.” 

“Why would you do that when we are so close to saving everyone?”

“Azgeda gets to live no matter what. Isn’t that what you were planning for your people?” Roan asked and Kane had no answer. Roan was right, they were guaranteeing their survival by having the Ark as plan B, if the bunker was not fixed in time.

“We share the Ark 50/50 deal?” Kane countered.

Roan smiled “Deal.”

They shook hands but did not see Indra who was spying on them and heard their entire conversation.

They walked back together with a smile on their faces. Roan gestured to Echo and she took off the gags and released the prisoners. 

Clarke immediately hugged Bellamy and he hesitated for a split second but soon had his arms around her. Kane gestured for them to come over, the patted their shoulders when they did. He then shouted “Let’s go back to Arcadia”. Both the Arcadia Guards and the Azgeda warriors followed. But about a kilometre out, they heard a great big boom coming from the Ark’s direction followed by big smoke rising from the Ark.

Everyone started running towards it. When they entered through the gates, half the Arc was on fire and smoke bellowing our from every corner. Indra and the ambassadors from the other clans stood in line blocking everyone.

“Indra?” Kane asked “What’s going on?”

“I heard you and the king making arrangements to share the Ark.” She replied, then turned to address the ambassadors “Your king made a deal with Arcadia that excludes you. They were going to share the Ark if the bunker is not fixed in time. We have been betrayed!!”

The ambassadors started to shout and argue. Kane gestured for his guards to go save the Ark. Kane stood passively surveying the scene.

Indra continued “This means WAR”.

Kane asked “We are close to fixing the bunker, we can all be saved. Why would you want to start a war?”

“Betrayal must be answered by war” she replied.

Roan intervened “Let’s not kill everyone needlessly. I request a conclave”

“A what?” asked Kane.

Indra said “A conclave. A warrior from each clan fights to the death. The winning warrior’s clan gets the bunker”

Kane objected to that, his people were not warriors, there was no way they could win. “No.” He shouted, “There will be no conclave. Arcadia already has possession of the bunker. All our people are there already and it is locked from the inside. Our people are the only ones who know the technology and can get the bunker working and maintained, without us, you have nothing to fight over. If any clan wishes to be saved, they will negotiate with us”

“You see? Even now, Arcadia betrays us. Kill them all” Indra shouted.

Clarke stepped in “Indra, everyone, please calm down. We have a solution for primafyre. We are going to take the bunker alone, we want to share it with all of you. But you must stop this senseless war.”

“She thinks we are barbarians. She thinks she can tell us what to do. She does not understand our traditions. War must be fought. How it is fought is up to us. The clans need to vote, a full out war or a conclave.”

The ambassadors voted for a conclave. Bellamy whispered in Clarke’s ear “We are not warriors. If we fight, we are going to die.”

“We don’t need to fight, we have the bunker”

“Any clan that does not fight in the conclave, will not survive beyond the conclave” Roan shouted.

Bellamy whispered “You were saying?”

“We still have the bunker” Clarke replied.

“Wrong. Half of us have the bunker.” Bellamy stated.

The grounders started marching to Polis. Indra turned to Kane and said “If you do not choose a warrior by this time tomorrow, Arcadia will be destroyed”. She then turned and ran to join the other grounders.

Kane looked at his people and asked “What just happened?”

Everyone shook their heads as if to say they had no idea. “Let’s talk to our guys in the bunker and see how many of us are in there.”

Kane {Octavia?}

Octavia {Kane, is everyone safe?}

Kane {Yes, for now} then Kane proceeded to update her with what has happened.  
There was silence fo a while.

Kane {Did everyone make it to the bunker?}

Octavia {Yes. They are all safely inside. Kane, I am volunteering to fight in the conclave}

Bellamy {No, you can’t}

Octavia {No one else can. I am the only one who was trained by the grounders. I know how they fight. I can do it Bell}

Bellamy {It’s too dangerous}

Octavia {Do you have another solution where we have half a chance to win?}

Bellamy could not reply to that. She was right. If it was a gun battle, he would have volunteered without hesitation. But hand to hand, with their massive warriors, he would not stand a chance. Octavia on the other hand, can do it. He’s seen her fight. She is just as fearless as they are.

Kane. {I can’t ask you to do that.}

Octavia {You are not asking, I’m volunteering}

Kane {Give us a minute} and he switched the radio off.

Kane looked around the room for some suggestions or comments from his people. Clarke said “We don’t have another option Kane. Octavia gives us a chance not to be slaughtered at least.”

Bellamy angrily shouted “So, you’re happy for my sister to die?”

Clarke placed a hand on his arm and looked into his eyes “Don’t you have faith in her abilities?”

Bellamy pushed her hand away in disgust “Against one or two but twelve warriors? Come on Clarke”

“Who beside Octavia can fight like them? No one. We have no other options Bellamy” Clarke tried to reason with him.

Bellamy glared at her then walked out slamming the door behind him. Clarke felt really bad for him, but they had no other option. She looked at Kane and nodded. Kane looked at the others and they all nodded except for Raven and Monty.

Kane {All right Octavia, you can fight in the conclave. But you should know Bellamy is not happy with this}

Octavia {Let me talk to him}

Kane {He stormed out. We will be in Polis in the morning, you can talk to him then. And Octavia, thank you, again. We are in your debt}

Octavia {If any of the others were trained like me, they’d be volunteering too}

Kane {Goodnight Octavia}

Octavia {Goodnight Kane}


	12. Chapter 12

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Some of the dialogue in this chapter is from the 100 TV series, so it is not all mine.
> 
> It sort of follows season 4, but some things are not the same. I have changed it a little to fit in with the story. 
> 
> As always, any feedback is welcomed.

SkyKrew spent most of the night putting down the fire. When it was obvious the Ark wasn’t salvageable, they started packing then left. By 2.00 am, most of them had left except for a small group of guards, plus Jaha, Monty, Harper and Raven, to round up the stragglers. 

They found a group headed by Jasper who had locked themselves in the mess hall. Despite everyone’s urging, they were not moving. Bellamy understood what it meant, Jasper was going through with suicide. Monty was tears as his lifelong friend had refused to leave with them.

Jaha insisted that they leave with them and was prepared to break the door down. Bellamy looked at him and said “We can’t force them to come out. If they want to stay there, then that is their choice. Jaha after grumbling for a bit, gestured for everyone to leave. Monty and Harper stayed.

Bellamy approached Monty and softly said “You have to let him go Monty”

“I can’t Bellamy. I just can’t” Harper patted him on the shoulder and he turned and placed his head on her shoulder and openly cried. She hugged him as tears streamed down her face. 

Everyone knew how close Jasper and Monty were and it broke Bellamy’s heart to see them both in so much pain. But what could he do? Jasper wanted this and no one could persuade him against it. Bellamy faced the door and Jasper behind it “Jasper open the door, at least let us say goodbye.”

Jasper opened the door and they walked in. Bellamy looked sadly at Jasper and asked “Are you sure this is what you want?”

Jasper smiled “Yes, Bellamy. I don’t want to just survive anymore.”

“But, Monty needs you, he’s devastated by your decision.”

“He’ll get over it. He’s got Harper, she’ll help him.”

Bellamy hugged Jasper and whispered “I’ll miss you little brother” Jasper hugged him back tightly. When they let go Bellamy said “May we meet again”

Jasper just smiled “We won’t but maybe in another life?”

Bellamy walked back to Monty “Monty, he’s made his choice.” Monty nodded. “I’ll round up all the hazmat suits I can find and wait for you for an hour.” He didn’t know what else to say to him, so he left.

Monty joined Bellamy, Raven and Harper half an hour later. He was still in tears and Harper just hugged him and cried along with him. Bellamy looked at Raven and they both knew that Jasper was gone. Raven started the rover and drove them to Polis.

They arrived in Polis mid-morning. Bellamy immediately jumped out of the rover and went in search of his sister. He found her sitting in the waiting area set up for the conclave combatants. She looked up when she saw him but she did not smile “Are you here to give me a pep talk?”

Bellamy simply walked to the couch and sat next to her. He wanted to order her not to do this but knowing how stubborn his sister could be, he tried a different tact “You don’t have to do this, we can find someone else to fight”

“Who Bell? I’m the only one trained in their tactics. Anyway if I die, I die. At least I go down fighting.”

“O..” Bellamy started but was cut off by Octavia “Don’t. This is my decision Bell. I know what the odds are, I don’t need you pointing them out.”

Bellamy was at a loss at what to say to her. She was right, none of them were trained in hand to hand combat, they don’t have a chance without their guns. Before he could respond, Clarke walked in and calmly announced “It’s time”.

Octavia got up and nodded to Clarke. As she started to walk out, Clarke stopped her and said “Hey, you got this.” Octavia nodded and walked out.

Bellamy walked up to Clarke “You really think she has a chance?”

Clarke responded by saying “Right now, she needs to believe it.”

Bellamy looked away “Clarke, I’m really scared, I could lose her.” He looked at Clarke and added “I can’t lose her.”

Clarke hugged him and said “Let’s hope it doesn’t come to that. Besides, she’s come a long way since chasing butterflies. She has a good chance to make it”  
Bellamy let go of her and smiled “Yes she does.”

Their eyes locked. Silence stretched between them. An errant lock of hair had fallen on Clarke’s face and Bellamy instinctively pushed it back behind her ear. His fingers lingered on her cheek. He let go and cleared his throat “Clarke? I love you too” he said before he ran out the door.

Clarke was rooted to the spot. Had he just said he loved her? Or was that her imagination? She’d been waiting for him to say something since she declared her love for him, but then they were imprisoned, their lives were threatened and the Ark went up in smoke. Things always seemed to get in the way. But he responded, he declared his love for her and she was so happy she could fly to the moon. What now? She asked herself.

Clarke walked out and joined Bellamy who was standing among a huge crowd gathered around a stage. He held out his hand to her and she took it and stood by his side.

On stage, Gaia was announcing the champions and placing necklaces with their clans’ sigils around their necks. When she finished she announced the rules of the Conclave “A battle to the death within the walls of Polis. These warriors will fight until only one remains. When that warrior collects all the sigils of the fallen and delivers them to me, they will be declared the victor. This final champion alone will tell us which clan is meant to survive and which clans are meant to perish in Primefayre. We honour those who fall by the sword. We follow the one who wields the sword.”

A female’s voice at the back of the crowd shouted “That would be me.” Bellamy realised that the voice belonged to Luna who promptly walked up to the stage and announced that she was the last of her clan and she will be fighting in the conclave. Gaia asked her who she would be fighting for, since there was no one left from her clan. Luna faced the crowd and announced “I fight for no one. I fight for death. When I win, no one will be saved.”

Bellamy and Clarke looked at each other in dismay. They knew what Luna was capable of. Bellamy realised that the slight chance Octavia had, had just gone up in smoke. He needed to figure something out to protect her. He didn’t want his sister to die. Clarke squeezed his hand “We’ll figure something out” she said as if she’d read his mind. Bellamy was glad they were together, at that moment, for without her, he probably would have panicked or fallen apart.

When the ceremony was over, Gaia approached Kane, Jaha, Bellamy and Clarke “SkyKrew, two advisors to the war room, the rest of you to your designated areas. Now.” She then walked away.

Kane looked at Bellamy and said “Come on, we have to get her ready”

Jaha looked at Kane “This conversation isn’t over Marcus. The death wave will be here in less than 10 days, that’s what Raven told me earlier. And here we are risking the fate of our people for a blood sport?”

“The fate of all people. Theirs and Luna’s” Clarke corrected.

Kane knew Bellamy and Clarke were worried about Luna fighting in the conclave, so he tried to reassure them, “She’s just one of thirteen”

Clarke quickly responded “You’re wrong, Kane. She’s a nightblood officiate. Which means she trained in combat exactly like this”

Bellamy looked at Clarke with confusion on his face “You want us to cheat? Is that what you meant about figuring something out?”

Kane shook his head “We can’t do that. You know the rules. If we break them we lose, if we lose we die”

Jaha impatiently added “The rules are not the problem, Marcus. The game is. Even if we stop Luna, even if Octavia finds a way to win, does anyone truly believe that the grounders will accept SkyKrew as the lone survivors?”

Kane looked Jaha straight in the eyes and answered “Yes. The conclave is sacred to them. They’ll honour it. Like it or not, we’re all grounders now” He then added “You get our people to the safe zone, we’ll get Octavia ready for the fight. The rest is up to you”

Kane gestured for Bellamy to follow him, but Bellamy didn’t move. Clarke placed a hand on his arm and looked him in the eyes “Bellamy, you should go with him”

Bellamy looked away “I don’t even know what to say to her. My sister could die and I am scared to say the wrong thing to her”

Clarke reached up and touched his face “I have to get the bunker ready for whoever wins. Besides, you’re her brother. You not being there is worse than saying the wrong thing.”

She stood on her tiptoes and reached up to kiss him and for a split second, he kissed her back, but then he cut it short. He started to apologise but Clarke just said “Go to her, it’s where you should be right now. We’ll catch up later.” He nodded then started running.

When Bellamy caught up with Kane and Octavia, he could see she was agitated. Kane tried to calm her down by pointing out each warrior’s weakness and she looked like she was listening. A million scenarios were running thorough Bellamy’s head as he desperately tried to find a way to help his sister. He was brought back to the present when she griped his arm and asked “What Bellamy? If you got something to say, just say it”

A thought entered his mind jut then. He replied “You don’t need any of this. Just stay out of sight and let them kill each other, thin out the competition”

Octavia looked at him disgustingly “You want me to hide?

Bellamy tried to explain his idea “You don’t need to go up against the strongest warrior from every clan”

Octavia wasn’t buying it “I came here to fight”

Bellamy held both her arms and tried again “You’re the girl under the floor, use that, just like mum taught us”

Kane must have got what Bellamy was trying to say to his sister as he added “Bellamy is right. You don’t have to kill all warriors”

And it seemed like Octavia finally got it too because she said “I just have to kill the last one”

Bellamy and Kane nodded at her. A grounder scout entered the room and announced “Advisors to the tower, champions to your places”

Octavia looked very nervous and scared. Kane hugged and said “May we meet again” She nodded at him then looked expectantly at her brother. He moved closer and hugged her and she held on to him as if he was her only life line. She whispered in his ear “May we met again”

Bellamy let go of her and looked straight at her “Damn right we will” he replied and then walked out.

Bellamy stood next to Kane in the throne room with the other clans advisors, waiting for the update announcements from Gaia, when he noticed Echo had disappeared. He told Kane about it, and Kane advised him to look for her after dark when he wouldn’t be easily spotted.

He tracked Echo through a number of buildings in the dark. When he found her, she was shooting arrows at the fighters in the streets. He immediately attacked her and that is when Roan intervened. Bellamy told him that Echo was cheating and she admitted it. Roan then looked at her and angrily said “I am not my mother. I will not let your dishonour give me advantage. You are Azgeda no more”

Echo was shocked but quickly pleaded “Sire, wait” she started, but Roan stopped her “You are banished Echo and when I win, and make no mistake I will, there will be no place for you in that bunker” He then looked away as if what he said had deeply hurt him. He continued “Now get out of my sight and leave without being seen or know that you are the cause of our people’s death”

Echo quickly ran out in tears. Roan turned and looked at Bellamy “I don’t know what to say to you Bellamy. On the one hand, I don’t want to kill your sister. I don’t want to heap more misery on you. But, on the other hand, I have to save my people.”

“I understand. I wish it didn’t have to be like this. We could have been great friends.”

Roan put his arms around Bellamy who didn’t flinch away “Yes, we could have been.” When he let go, Roan asked “You really think she can win, don’t you?”

“I wouldn’t count her out if I were you, she survived harder things than this”

“I promise you she will get an honourable death. Before I kill her, I’ll tell her she’s lucky to have you as a brother”

Bellamy shook his head and said “If you see her, tell her I was the lucky one.”

Bellamy patted Roan on the back and smiled, then turned and walked out. He didn’t see Octavia hiding nearby. That exchange touched her deeply, it made her more determined than ever to win because she wanted her brother to be proud of her just as she’s been proud of him every day of her life.

As Bellamy walked back towards the tower, someone grabbed him and stuck a needle in his neck.

When Bellamy regained consciousness, he was disoriented at first. He slowly looked around and realised he was inside the bunker.

He slowly got up from his chair and looked at Jaha and Clarke before angrily asking “The hell did you do?”

Clarke didn’t answer and looked away and, but Jaha did “If only one clan can survive, it might as well be ours”

Bellamy looked at Clarke, hoping that she had nothing to do with this decision “Clarke you agreed to this?”

Again, Clarke avoided his eyes and Jaha answered “It was her idea.”  
Bellamy’s heart sank.

Clarke gathered enough courage and finally looked at him “We did what we had to do.”

Bellamy was beyond angry, he shouted “How could you do this? There are only 4 warriors left. Octavia was one of them. She might have one”

Jaha cut him off “ She might not have”

Clarke tried to explain “Bellamy you’re right, she had a chance. But Luna was in the final four as well. Which means there is an even better chance of nobody getting that bunker, of nobody surviving, the end of the human race. Do you understand that?”

“Yeah I get that you did what you think you had to do, like always. But you can’t..” he took a breath then continued “You can’t expect me to stay here not knowing what happened to my sister”

How could she? he asked himself. How could she do this to Octavia? To Kane? To me? She claimed she loved me, and then turns around and betrays my sister who she knows I can’t live without.

Jaha broke into his thoughts “We’re not opening that door son”

Bellamy retorted “You know what? I must have missed the election that made you chancellor again”

Abby walked in then and told them everything was set up. She noticed something was wrong. So she asked if the conclave was over and whether they’d won.

Bellamy shrugged “We don’t know”

Abby looked around and asked “Where is Marcus?”

Jaha looked away “He was in the tower. We sent people for him, Bellamy and Octavia. Bellamy was the only one we could get in time. Sorry.”

Abby was furious but she calmly requested a radio to talk to Marcus. Jaha naturally objected, but Clarke intervened by releasing the communication equipment that was hidden inside the desk . 

She told Jaha“I’m letting them say goodbye”

Jaha looked at Abby and said “There is nothing on the other side of that radio but pain. Radiation levels have risen, it’s already effecting everyone outside this bunker. Once they realise we took this bunker there will be chaos. If we open that door, we let that chaos inside.”

Abby shoved him away “I understand, now get the hell out of my way”

Both Abby and Bellamy hurried to the desk. Bellamy adjusted the radio frequency and heard [This is Octavia. Can anybody hear me, dammit?]

Everyone in the room was stunned. Bellamy was ecstatic, his sister was still alive. [O, it’s me.You OK?]

[I’m alive. I won] Octavia replied. 

Clarke and Jaha exchanged a look as if to say ‘How could she have won? And what do we d now?.

[Bell what the hell did you do?]

[It wasn’t me but I’ll fix it]

[Bell? Listen to me. When I won, I decided to share the bunker with everyone, a hundred from each clan. Kane is buying us some time by helping them select their people. And Gaia somehow convinced the scouts to lock down the temple. If anyone finds out that SkyKrew stole the bunker, we’re all dead]

[Copy that. I’m on my way.]

Just then Jaha, Miller and a couple of armed guards quietly entered the room. Bellamy hadn’t even noticed Jaha leaving the room in the first place, but him and the guards looked menacingly at him. Jaha told them to turn off the radio and Abby told him that they could still save Kane and Octavia.

Bellamy quickly used the comms [O, I’m gonna need more time.]

[Wait, what? Bellamy we don’t have time …] But before she could finish her sentence, Jaha pulled the wires out of the communication hub, effectively ending their conversation.

Bellamy was furious. He pleadingly looked at Jaha “Did you hear her? The grounders are listening to her now, but they won’t be for much longer. I’m opening that door.”

Jaha calmly replied “I’m sorry, but right now, our people are safe. We cannot risk that.”

Bellamy made up his mind and gave Jaha an ultimatum “To stop me, you’re gonna have to kill me”

Jaha looked at the guards and they started circling Bellamy. Miller said “Come on Bellamy, it doesn’t have to be like this.”

Bellamy looked around, he knew he had to fight them to get to his sister and fight them he did. He shoved , tripped and threw punches at them, but, unfortunately he was outnumbered and the guards, tasered him. He immediately spasmed and fell to the ground. The last face he saw was Clarke’s, looking both sad and determined.

“I’ll never forgive you for this” Bellamy said before he passed out.


	13. Chapter 13

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Again I’ve used some of the dialogue from the show at the beginning of the chapter. Events will deviate though.

Chapter 13

They imprisoned Bellamy in the boiler room. He was shackled to the wall, but he didn’t lose it this time. He was over feeling sorry for himself, all he wanted to do was save his sister. So he deliberately injured himself to get Abby to look after his injury. When she did come in, they hatched a plan to get him to open the bunker door and save both Kane and Octavia.

Everything was going according to plan until Clarke realised what they were up to. She arrived just as he was climbing the stairs leading to the outer bunker door.

“Bellamy stop” she said as she pointed a gun at him.

“We don’t have time for this. The radiation is getting worse and people are dying up there.” Bellamy told her almost pleadingly.

He climbed another step and Clarke fired a warning shot. Bellamy instinctively put his hands up and looked at her incredulously. He couldn’t believe she was willing to shoot him. “What’re you doing?” he asked.

“What I have to. Like always” She replied still pointing the gun at him. “Now get away from the door” she ordered.

“No.” Bellamy replied “This isn’t like shutting the drop ship door, or pulling the lever in Mount Weather or in the City of Light. We knew what we were stopping then. Now, we know nothing.”

Clarke immediately responded, “We know if that door stays shut, the human race survives” She looked at him “Please” she begged, her eyes beginning to tear up.

He stared at her defyingly “You’re gonna have to make it a killer shot. It’s the only way you’re gonna stop me.” He calmly replied.

She kept the gun pointed at him but her hands started to shake and her tears were streaming down her face. She tried, he could see it in her face. But in the end, she couldn’t. She dropped her hands and pointed the gun away from him. 

He would have loved to shake her into understanding what she did to him and his sister was unforgivable and wrong. But he had no time right now, his sister was out there and he needed to get to her before she dies from radiation. So he climbed the last few steps and opened the door.

When he climbed out of the bunker, he saw his sister, Indra and Echo in the room. Octavia ran to him and hugged him saying “I knew you’d come through”

Bellamy continued hugging her and with a trembling voice said “I love you so much.”

She didn’t let go of him, but cried on his shoulder as she continued hugging him. People started arriving and Indra announced “Octavia, they’re here”

Octavia welcomed the clans and invited them into the bunker. As soon as she entered the bunker she went to the command centre and issued an ultimatum to SkyCrew.

“SkyCrew gets 100 spots, just like the other clans. You have 12 hours to decide. Bellamy gets one of them, the rest is up to you.” She then walked out followed by Indra and an entourage of grounder warriors from each clan.

Bellamy was proud of his little sister. She has definitely come a long way. Not only did she win the conclave against all odds, but she also saved the human race, not just SkyCrew. She gave everyone hope and the clans followed her without questions.

Will she be able to lead? Maybe not, but if she surrounded herself with good advisors, and if she listened to them and weighed the options before making decisions, she’ll be a an amazing leader. He needed to tell her that.

Bellamy went to find Octavia, along the way he brushed past an Azgeda warrior and he inwardly flinched and his breathing started to go fast. Cold sweat broke out and he just stood there trying to calm himself down. 

Bellamy walked to the boiler room he was imprisoned in. He needed time away from everyone to think about what he needed to do. He saved his sister and now he needed time to think about what he wanted to do. He knew he could not stay in the bunker, not after his almost panic attack. It would be like being reminded of his ordeal every day. 

But, if he left, would he be able to survive radiation? He remembered Murphy saying that Becca’s lab was modern and self sustaining, maybe that could work and if it doesn’t? If it doesn’t at least he would die not feeling like he was in constant panic.

Having made up his mind, he walked to his sister’s room.

Although she was in high demand, Indra let him in without question. Octavia was standing staring at her self in the mirror. When she saw him, she turned around and smiled “Did you come to plead on behalf of SkyCrew?” She asked as she sat down on the couch and gestured for him to join her.

Bellamy smiled back and sat next to her, “No, I came to tell you, I am so proud of you. When did you become so fearless?”

“I’m not fearless Bell. What I am is scared shitless. I don’t think I can do this. I’m not a leader like you or Clarke.” She replied.

“No, you’re better. You are not afraid to fight for what is right. You won the conclave. You gave the clans hope when there was none. If you put your mind to it, I’m sure you can accomplish much more.”

She smiled. Genuinely smiled her brilliant smile and Bellamy’s heart melted. He was so proud of her he could burst.

Octavia looked him in the eye “I’ll be fine as long as you’re here. I could use your no nonsense advise. Those around me expect me to make decisions, not advise me.” 

Bellamy thought she looked like a lost puppy. “You don’t need anyone. You’ve got this. Also Kane is a good advisor”

“Kane and I had a falling out, he hates me” She retorted.

“Are you kidding me? He respects the hell out of you. Specially after your “OneCrew speech.” She just shook her head at him. Bellamy continued “Kane is the most decent and moral guy I know. Seek his counsel whenever you can”

Octavia looked at him alarmed “That’s what I need you for.”

Bellamy looked away for a second, he didn’t know how to tell her he was leaving. When he didn’t reply, Octavia prompted him to “What’s going on Bell? You’re scaring me.”

Bellamy ran a hand through his hair “O, I can’t stay. I can’t be in the same place with Azgeda warriors.”

“But you hugged me, you couldn’t do that for weeks. You’re in a much better place.”

“Yes, I am or so I thought. Listen O, on the way here, I brushed past an Azgeda warrior. I almost had another panic attack. How could I stay here six years if I couldn’t tolerate seeing one of them for a split second?”

Octavia started to cry “But there is nothing up there. You’d be committing suicide if you leave.”

Bellamy put both hands on her shoulder “Look at me O” She looked at him with tears streaming down her face “You can’t get rid of me that easily.” He took a breath then continued “I’m gonna go to Becca’s lab, Murphy mentioned a fallout shelter there. I’ll be fine.”

She wiped her tears on her sleeve, “Your mind is made up then?”

“Yes.”

“Someone should go with you or you will go batshit crazy for real. Did you ask Clarke?”

“Why would I do that?”

“You two looked close before the conclave, and you’ve been in love with her in like forever”

Bellamy stood up and looked away “I thought I was, but I can’t be with her, not after what she did.”

Octavia stood up and took a step towards him, she was practically in his face when she said “That sounds like me when I couldn’t even look at you after Lincoln’s death. But look at us now? If you love her, don’t let one mistake keep you apart. You need to forgive her like I forgave you.”

Bellamy shook his head “What I need is to let the others know that I’m leaving.”

Octavia said “I love you big brother and I’ll miss you”

Bellamy opened his arms wide and she put her arms around him as he wrapped his arms around her, “May we meet again” she whispered.

He let go of her, and with his eyes watering replied “May we meet again.” He then turned and walked to the door but before walking out he turned and said “I know you’ll be a great leader, but talk to Kane when you need advise.”

“Where will you go?” asked Kane when Bellamy told the SkyCrew leaders.

“Becca’s lab” he replied “I believe there is a bunker there too, not as big as this one, but it should keep me alive for a long time.”

“Why?” asked Clarke.

“I won’t survive here, it’s too claustrophobic for me.”

Clarke knew she needed to be with Bellamy no matter what, no matter where. So, she immediately announced, “I’ll come with you.” 

Bellamy and Abby shouted “No” at the same time.

“Too bad. Neither of you can stop me.” Clarke concluded.

Bellamy didn’t want Clarke with him. He couldn’t even look at her after the stunts she pulled to ‘save our people’ as she claimed. How could he have thought he was in love with such a selfish person.

Yes, she was selfish. She wanted her people to survive or so she said. Really? When she and Jaha locked that bunker, she had everyone she cared about inside, her mum, Raven, Monty, Murphy, Nyla, and himself. As far as he was concerned, this is the epitome of selfishness.

He believed her actions prove she never really cared about him or his feelings. First she betrayed Octavia who put her life on the line for SkyCrew. Then when he tried to save her, Clarke fired a gun at him. Granted she didn’t shoot him, but the mere fact that she held him at gun point and was willing to shoot him can never be forgiven. EVER.

Not only that, she was willing to let his sister die, yet again, (he hadn’t forgotten the bomb at TonDC), knowing full well how much he loved his sister. Are these the actions of someone who loves or cares about him? Certainly not.

He told them he couldn’t live in the bunker because it was too claustrophobic. He told himself he couldn’t live in the bunker because of Azgeda. And both excuses are true. But if he was honest with himself, he couldn’t live in the bunker because he couldn’t stand to look at Clarke. Ever time he did her betrayal cut him deep.

Bellamy pushed himself to look Clarke in the eyes, those beautiful midnight blue eyes that he could lose himself in. STOP IT, he told himself. He then simply said “I don’t want you to come” then walked out.

He went to say his goodbyes to his friends and pack some supplies. Murphy and Emori decided to join him, they believed they wouldn’t be among the 100 chosen to survive, particularly since Emori was not SkyCrew. Also Emori told him she knew the way to Becca’s lab. 

Monty and Harper decided to join him too. They felt it would be too claustrophobic for them in the bunker and Harper wasn’t on Clarke’s list so she won’t be picked either. But, the biggest surprise was Raven. She was considered essential personnel, so she was guaranteed a spot with SkyCrew, but she felt she couldn’t live in the bunker if her friends weren’t there.

So, the six of them went to the exit room to put their hazmat suits on and grab their supplies which included, guns, hand grenades, canned food and water and Monty’s Algae which he believed he could turn into a hydroponic farm to sustain them for the next six years.

When they got there, Clarke was already in her hazmat suite and Abby was standing beside her.

Bellamy looked angrily at her “I thought I told you I didn’t want you to come”

“Tough. I am going whether you like it or not” Clarke replied defiantly.

Bellamy tried another way to dissuade her “Why? You have everyone you love here.”

With tears running down her face she whispered “But I won’t have you.”

The others exchanged questioning looks as if to say ‘When did Clarke admit her feelings for Bellamy?’

“And you won’t have me if you come” Bellamy replied. He was being cruel and he knew it, but Clarke should not come with them and that’s that.

“Lighten up Blake” Raven intervened.

“Stay out of it Reyes” Bellamy was adamant and Raven did not say anything more.

With a small voice Clarke said “At least I’ll be with my friends.”

Bellamy gave up and went to suite up and everyone followed quietly. Abby told them that the latest statistics seem to indicate they now had less than 3 days before the radiation wave hit, so they must make sure they are in the lab before then.

Raven told her “Don’t worry Abby, we got it covered.” Then flashed that brilliant smile of hers.

They all hugged Abby, but when Bellamy did Abby whispered in his ear “You have to forgive her. She loves you. But if you can’t, please look after her just like you would the others.”

“Yes, ma’m” Bellamy replied before he turned and climbed out of the bunker. 

Before they walked out, Bellamy told them to gather around, then said “ We’ll take two rovers just in case something goes wrong with one. We will not stop for anyone because we can’t save anyone. Understand? Those people out there will die in three days, they mostly accepted their fate, but some of them will try to stop us. We stop for no one. Also, we should not drive too close to each other. If one rover falls in a trap, the other can avoid it and have enough time to devise a plan to get them out”

They all nodded. Monty said “We make a good team. We always did. I think we can face anything as long as we are together. So if we’re gonna die, at least we’ll be doing it together and I for one would not have it any other way.” They all agreed.

Raven then sang “Adventure squad” and they all laughed before they climbed into their respective rovers. Bellamy, Clarke and Raven took one rover. Monty, Harper, Murphy and Emori took the other.


	14. Chapter 14

They were met by a lot of hostile grounders along the way. Some deliberately threw themselves in their path at the last minute, not giving them a chance to avoid running them over. It was sad and heartbreaking.

That’s what people do when they have no hope, I guess. Bellamy thought to himself. Maybe Jasper had the right idea, overdose and die without needlessly suffering. Maybe he should have joined him, then he wouldn’t feel this unbearable pain and hurt.

Bellamy had been driving for a few hours, lost in his thoughts. He hadn’t spoken to his passengers once. He only spoke when he needed to check on the other rover via the radio. He turned to look at the back of the rover. Raven had fallen asleep. He turned back and kept his eyes to the front, deliberately avoiding looking at Clarke, as he continued driving. 

He didn’t want her here. What could he say to make her change her mind, he wondered. Finally, he asked “Clarke, this is your last chance. I can still drive you back.”

“I told you, I need to be with you”

“A few hours ago you were willing to shoot me”

“A few hours ago, I didn’t shoot you.”

“Maybe you should have.”

Clarke quickly turned and looked at him “You can’t mean that”

Bellamy looked away “If you had I wouldn’t be this angry with you, I wouldn’t be feeling anything.”

Clarke attempted to place an hand on his arm which he promptly pushed away “You can’t die Bellamy. I need you. We all need you. Look at how we were all willing to come with you not knowing if we’ll live or die. We are all willing to follow you and die for you because you have a big heart. I wish I was half as loved and respected as you are.”

“All nice words, but when push comes to shove, you will do exactly the same thing again and again. I told you I will never forgive you and I meant it.”

“You also told me you loved me and meant it”

“That was before you tried to kill my sister who put her life on the line for all of us.”

“What I did was wrong, OK? I know and I’m so sorry Bellamy. You have no idea how sorry I am. I did what I thought was in our best interest, at the time.”

“And that is why I can never forgive you. You can’t even see how much your actions hurt me. I didn’t matter, I wasn’t part of the equation.”

Clarke was quietly crying and he couldn’t look at her because if he did, he would probably gather her up in his arms and comfort her and tell her everything will be alright. But things weren’t alright and probably never will be.

He shook his head “You know what I find so unforgivable? You told me you loved me and then you turned around and made a decision that showed you didn’t even care about me.”

“Enough, Bellamy. I can’t…” she cried. Her tears were freely flowing as she looked at him, “I said I’m sorry.” She hiccuped “I can’t take what i did back.” She hiccuped “What can I say to make things better” she hiccuped.

God, she was so adorable when she hiccuped like that and her tears were playing on his heart strings, but he needed to be strong. “I don’t want you to say anything. I want you to go back to the bunker”

Clarke took a deep breath and firmly stated “Well, I won’t. So deal with it.” The old fire was back as she continued “And despite what you might think, I do love you Bellamy and I care about you more than you will ever know”

He snorted as if to say he didn’t believe a word she said.

Raven was listening at the back and couldn’t help shedding a few tears for them. Here they were driving to the unknown and could die any minute and these two idiots still couldn’t find their way to each other. 

They made it to the beach and Emori directed them to a barge. The barge could only take one rover though, so they placed a rover under some trees and covered it up as much as they could, just in case they needed it one day. Then they all sat in the other rover as Murphy and Emori steered the barge to Becca’s island.

When they arrived at the island, they drove the rover to the lab and quickly took their backpacks which had their supplies. When they entered the lab, the lights automatically turned on, that was when Raven screeched.

“Look at this lab.” She said smiling happily. They all looked in awe at the massive lab below and the massive amount of technology, equipment and supplies in the lab.

Raven took her face plate off as she ran downstairs and ran around the lab. She was like a kid who found a huge stash of candy. They followed her as they took their face plate off.

Raven soon found the main computer “Computer” she said “Is there a radiation shield around this lab?”

A mechanical voice replied “This lab is equipped with state of the art technology and medical supplies, however, it does not have a radiation shield”

They all looked at each other with disappointment and fear in their eyes. It meant they won’t survive.

“Computer is there radiation shielded quarters on this island” Raven continued.

“A radiation shielded bunker exists under the main residence. Do you wish to access the relevant files?”

“Yes” Raven replied and everyone took long deep breaths as she perused the files.

“Wholly shit, the bunker has everything. Becca thought of everything, water, hydroponic farm and an animal farm for food, oxygen and fully functional living and sleeping quarters and bathrooms and a huge kitchen. The bunker can house at least twenty people.”

Everyone cheered. “Where is it, Raven and do we have access to it?” Bellamy asked as they all crowded around the computer screen and Raven.

“Before we get excited, give me a minute to check that everything is in working order” Raven told them.

“Computer, could you please check all systems in the bunker?’

“The requested checks will take 2 hours, 43 minutes and 55 seconds”

“Computer commence the checks”

“Checking” the mechanical voice sounded.

Raven went up the stairs and gesture for them all to follow her. They walked out of the bunker and. About 200 meters away they saw the main house. They ran like kids inside and followed Raven down a hallway and set of stairs.   
There was a huge iron door at the bottom of the stairs and it was locked. Raven entered some numbers on the key pad next to the door and the door hissed open. Lights automatically turned on revealing a huge open plan living space with couches, a dining table and chairs, a long marble kitchen counter top and a fully equipped kitchen.

Raven said “The hydroponic farm is to the right Monty. The sleeping quarters are to the left.”

They all started exploring the bunker which had everything they needed to live. They started arguing who would get which room and whether they should bring their supplies down.

Bellamy shouted “STOP. We don’t know if we can live here, not yet. The computer said it would take two hours to check. I suggest we all take showers, and get some rest in the meantime. We’ve had a long journey. Raven, can you update us when it is done?”

Raven had found the bunker’s computer station and was already looking at schematics and files “Sure kiddies. Now go to bed.” She said without looking away from the computer screen.

“Raven, you need to rest too” Bellamy said, but she just dismissed him with a wave of her hand.

A short time later Murphy shouted “Clarke Bellamy come here quick, something is wrong with Raven”

They all ran out of their rooms to find Raven having a seizure on the floor. Clarke told Bellamy to turn her to the side. “Raven, Can you hear me?” Clarke asked.   
When Raven didn’t answer Clarke said “She’s having a seizure and I don’t know how to deal with that.” She told everyone who just looked on helplessly. 

Monty ran to the computer station “Computer, how do you treat someone having a seizure”

The computer gave them instructions which they didn’t follow as Raven had woken up, “Did you see me? I just floated off the floor. It was amazing.”

Clarke worriedly looked at Bellamy “Raven, you didn’t float, you had a seizure”

Raven shook her head. “I never had a seizure in my life” she said, then froze. You could practically see her mind working. Denial, acceptance, then panic. “What’s wrong with me?” She said totally petrified.

Clarke tried to clam her down, “We’ll do a scan. We’ll know more then. Don’t panic, it’ll be alright.” 

The computer‘s mechanical voice stopped their conversation “Systems checks completed.” They all looked at each other hopefully. It continued “Life support functional. Power functional. Communication functional. Water functional. Sewage functional. Hydroponic farm, assessing. Animal Farm functional. Radiation shield assessing.”

And just like that everyone went from elated to alarmed in a matter of seconds. 

Monty and Raven immediately went to the computer station and frantically started tapping on the keyboards. Everyone else quietly went and sat on the couches too scared to make a noise in case they distracted them.

After a few minutes Raven and Monty turned and faced everyone. Raven took a deep breath and said “The good news is, we can fix the problems. The bad news is we’re not sure we have the supplies needed to fix them”

“Raven, don’t sugar coat it. Just tell us what we need to do” Bellamy calmly said.

“OK, the Hydroponic farm needs replacement valves in sections 15 to 17. The computer cannot assess what is wrong with the shield. We may have to manually start it but the radiation levels are too high outside.” 

“OK, Murphy, Emori and Harper, split up and raid any cupboard or supply store you can find. See if we can find those valves. Monty and Raven try to find step by step instructions for the shield. Clarke and I will go out and see if we can manually fix it. Stay on the radio with us.”

Bellamy and Clarke walked around to the back of the house and easily found the building housing the shield’s generator. As soon as they walked in alarm bells sounded.

They heard Monty say “It’s ok, it’s set for unauthorised entry. Just enter #56&34-55 on the keypad.” They did and the alarm stopped. Monty continued “There is a keyboard next to the generator, if you enter the right code, it should allow you to press the ‘ON’ button.”

“What’s the code Monty?” asked Bellamy.

“Working on it.”

They looked at each other but didn’t say anything. They patiently stood next to the generator and waited for Monty to say something.

After a while Bellamy spoke “I don’t think we need two people for this job, so you can go back.”

“You don’t know that. Maybe someone needs to enter the code while the other pushes the button at the same time. No I need to stay.”

Bellamy tried to busy himself with something so they wouldn’t talk. He moved the keyboard around and found a piece of paper under it, “Monty does the code have 8 alphanumerical digits?” He asked.

“Yes, how did you know?”

“I found a piece of paper under the keyboard.”

“Great. You need to enter the code while Clarke holds the generator’s ‘ON’ button down.” Clarke raised an eyebrow as if to say ‘See?’ 

Monty continued “Clarke you need to hold the button until the generator light turns from red to yellow. Then Bellamy you need to press ‘ENTER’ twice. The light should turn from yellow to green. The shield will take two minutes to come down, so you need to run back to the bunker.”

They followed the instructions, but the light did not turn green it remained yellow.

“Monty, it stayed yellow.” Bellamy said.

“OK, give me a minute”

Clarke looked at Bellamy, shrugged her shoulders and sat on a chair. Bellamy resigned himself to the fact that he had to wait with Clarke, for as long as it took, but he didn’t like it.

“Bellamy? Look at me” Clarke began.

Bellamy sat on another chair and looked at her. She continued “I made a mistake. I’m an idiot. Please don’t shut me out because of one mistake.”

“Now is not the time Clarke. Let’s just focus on getting the shield up.” But Bellamy remembered Octavia saying those exact same words to him.

Clarke wasn’t done though “I love you Bellamy. I think I’ve loved you since the moment I laid eyes on you. I just didn’t know it then. But the more time I spent with you the more I loved you. Until one day, I couldn’t even imagine my life without you.’

Bellamy move uncomfortably in his chair then cleared his throat but said nothing.

“Do you remember when you came back to Arcadia, with Octavia, after I closed the drop ship door? I was so happy to see you, to see that you were alive that I didn’t think, I just ran and hugged you. We were apart for weeks and I felt like I was missing a part of me the whole time. I know that the missing part was you. I didn’t know it then, but I do now.”

Bellamy laughed then “I hated you when I first met you. You were one of the privileged. You led a charmed life. You were gorgeous and smart and you knew how to take me down a peg or two. And you were so goddamn righteous, that I just wanted to ring your neck to stop you talking down to us”

Clarke winced at his words “Was I really that bad?” 

“Nah, I just thought you were. I didn’t know you then.”

Clarke smiled “You were actually insufferable at the beginning, but there was something about you that drew me to you. But you were the bad guy. Finn, I thought, was the good guy. He broke my heart Bellamy. He was my first, you know. Next thing I know, he’s kissing Raven. But you, you never hurt me. You looked out for me, for all of us. And you never asked for anything in return.”

Bellamy smiled back “I was a prick then, wasn’t I?”

“Yes, you were.” They both laughed.

“After Finn, I met Lexa and I loved her. When she died, I was devastated. She was smart and powerful and wise beyond her years. And she could fight, like Luna, maybe even better than her. She was the first person to notice that you were special to me. I told her I cared about all of the 100, but she said that I cared more about you, that I worried more about you.”

Bellamy didn’t like where the conversation was headed “Why are you telling me this?” he asked.

“Because I want you to know who I am. I can make the tough decisions, I can use my head. But when it comes to love, I’m clueless. I don’t know what to do or how to behave.”

Bellamy was about to tell her he didn’t care but then heard Monty’s voice. “Bellamy?”

“Monty, did you find a workaround?”

“Yeah but you won’t like it. It looks like the ‘ON’ button is stuck. You have to unscrew it, find out what’s blocking it and get it out. Bellamy don’t expose your skin no matter what.”

“OK” Bellamy nodded. For the next hour Bellamy and Clarke tried to remove the piece of metal that was blocking the ‘ON’ button. It appeared as if that piece of metal melted then hardened inside the cylinder over time and they didn’t have welding equipment to melt it in order to remove it. 

Bellamy told Monty and he told them to stay there while he tries to find the needed welding equipment or a replacement cylinder.

Silence stretched between them.

“Bellamy? Please talk to me” Clarke asked tentatively.

“Look Clarke, what you did was unforgivable. I told you that already. It’s not something I can get over easily. Just leave me alone. OK?”

Clarke nodded and turned her head away as tears started to spill on her face and she didn’t want Bellamy to see them. Bellamy, however, knew the exact second she started crying and he felt bad. He reached out for her and hugged her. She hugged him back, laid her head on his chest and sobbed uncontrollably.

He regretted hugging her as he now felt her pain and sadness, which probably matched his own. He let go when she stopped sobbing and said “Just give me time.”

“What if we don’t have any?” she asked.

Monty cut in “Bellamy? We found a replacement cylinder. Murphy is bringing it with the rover, so you can be here sooner.” And sure enough, Murphy ran in with the cylinder. They quickly replaced it, drove around the house and ran into the bunker before the shield came down.

They found Raven on the floor again and Clarke quickly ran a scan on her brain. What she found was not good. She looked at Bellamy and sadly shook her head. Bellamy immediately felt sorrow and grief. The poor girl could never catch and break.  
“There has to be something we can do.” He pleaded with Clarke who said “I don’t know if anything will help.”

Raven woke up then and she found everyone looking at her sadly. “What?” she asked.

Clarke placed a hand on her arm “Raven, I did a scan of your brain. There is a remnant of the Allie chip still lodged in your brain. If it stays there, you will die.” Clarke said and began to cry.

Raven looked around in a confused state “NO” she screamed. Bellamy ran up to her and hugged her. “Listen to me. You can beat this, you just have to find a way to get rid of that chip.”

She looked at Bellamy with watery eyes “I can’t”

Bellamy looked her in the eye “Yes you can. How many times did you save us with that brain of yours?”

“Too many times to count”

“Damn right you did. This is no different. I know you will find a way”

She looked at him hopefully “Damn right I will” she said adamantly.

Bellamy knew her chances were slim but if anyone can find a way, it would be Raven.

Raven, Clarke and Monty started bouncing ideas off of each other. 

Bellamy turned to the others and asked “Who’s hungry?”


	15. Chapter 15

Raven did find a way to save herself and they all chipped in to help her. The hardest part for Bellamy was electrocuting her and then locking her up with Clarke in the meat locker. The not knowing was killing him. What if his actions actually led to Raven’s death? What if she survives but becomes a vegetable? What if? He stopped himself from is line of thought and told himself to ‘ Just focus’.

Fifteen minutes later, the meat locker door hissed open and he ran inside to find Raven awake and Clarke checking her vital signs.

“Did it work?” He cautiously asked.

Raven looked at him and said “Of course it did, how can you doubt my brilliance?”

He looked at Clarke for confirmation and she nodded her head. Bellamy quickly knelt next to Raven and gave her the biggest hug he could muster and whispered “I was so worried”.

Clarke interrupted “We need to move her outside before she freezes”. Bellamy picked Raven up and walked out of the meat locker. He placed her on one of the couches and she was inundated with hugs and kisses from everyone. Bellamy went to the kitchen, made two plates of food and placed them and two water bottles on a tray. He then walked back and offered them to Raven and Clarke. They both thanked him and started eating.

Soon Raven and Monty were back working on the computer. They established a connection with the bunker in Polis and they all got to talk to their people there. Raven told Abby how to get rid of the remaining piece of Allie in her head. Clarke assured her mother that they were going to be OK. 

Bellamy waited till the end to talk to his sister. He told her about the bunker they found.

“So you left a bunker only to be in another?” She asked.

“Yeah. But this bunker doesn’t have any Azgeda people. What it does have is my friends, people I care about.”

“And I’m not?” She asked indignantly.

“Of course not O. You are the one I care about the most. I just meant I like the people here.”

“I’m gonna miss you big brother”

“Me too O.” He was quiet for a bit, then continued “When I left, I knew you were going to be OK. Do you know why?”

“Because I’m awesome?”

“Yes, because you are awesome. You are also fearless and smart and don’t take shit from anybody. I knew you’ll be OK because you know what your strengths and weaknesses are and how to use them to your advantage. Don’t forget to keep Kane and Indra close. Don’t dismiss their advice.”

Octavia was quiet for a while then said “By the way I heard your conversation with Roan after you caught Echo cheating. You told him you were lucky to have me as a sister. Truth is Bell, I’m the Lucky one. I didn’t always know that, but I know it now.”

Bellamy couldn’t say anything as he was choked up with emotions. 

“I love you Bell. It took the end of the world to realise how much.”

Bellamy was having a hard time controlling his emotions, but eventually replied “I love you too….” But before he could continue, there was some cackling and whooshing sounds coming from the computer. It sounded as if they got cut off.

“O? Are you there O?” Octavia did not answer him and he knew that he could not reach her. He wasn’t sure whether she heard him say ‘I love you too’ but he whispered “May we meet again” and really hoped they would.

He walked back to the living area and everyone looked up at him waiting for him to too say something.

He cleared his throat “Communication is down. We are on our own now. I’m not gonna lie, the next few years will be challenging, but we need to stick together if we’re gonna survive. So, rest up, tomorrow we figure out what we need to do.”

Raven piped in “If the wave has hit Polis, it means we only have 10 hours till it hits here”

“So?” Bellamy queried.

“It means if we need anything from outside the bunker, we need to get it now.”

“Do we need anything?” He asked.

“Not sure. I need to check, we can’t sleep yet” Raven replied as she made her way to the computer room followed by Monty.

Murphy said “I saw some old vids in the house. We might need them for entertainment.” Then Clarke added “The Lab has state of the art medical equipment, we need to bring them in.”

Raven shouted “We’re not going anywhere, we can’t raise the radiation shield”

“That’s OK.” Bellamy said “We have six years to work on that problem. Since we can’t go outside, I suggest we all get some sleep.”

The radiation wave hit the island, the next morning, as they were having breakfast. It sounded like a supersonic boom followed by multiple earth quakes. The bunker shook so hard that they were worried it would break apart. A few minutes later, everything was quiet except for the humming coming from the systems keeping them alive.

Murphy looked at each of them and stated the obvious “That’s it then. Welcome to life in the bunker. Chapter one.”

During the first month, they organised their work schedules and life in the bunker became a routine almost immediately. Everyone had a job to do and they did it religiously. Murphy and Emori cooked and cleaned the living quarters. Bellamy, Clarke and Raven looked after systems maintenance. Monty and Harper looked after the farms.

They all discussed things before making a decision and if they couldn’t they looked to Bellamy to make it for them. Clarke was no longer the leader, Bellamy didn’t know why. What’s more he didn’t care to find out. In fact he didn’t want to as it would mean talking to Clarke and he wasn’t ready to do so.

Their days were full of maintenance checks and taking stock of every item in the store room so they’d know where things were if they needed them. In the evenings, they’d have dinner. Afterwards, everyone would drink and talk or play games or watch some old vids that Murphy found in the store room. And that was life in the bunker for the first few months.

Bellamy didn’t participate in the chats or the games, he usually went to his room and read a book before going to sleep. In fact he barely spoke to anyone except to ensure that things were running smoothly but didn’t really have any conversation with anyone. 

The others thought that that was his way of evading talking to Clarke. What they didn’t know was that Bellamy was struggling to keep his head straight. The nightmares had returned as soon as things settled down in the bunker. 

Sometimes he would actually experience part of the rape as if it was actually happening. He’d desperately try to think of something else but he wasn’t strong enough. He’d end up with a panic attack. Other times, he’d just relive the whole thing in his nightmares where his imagination made it worse. During those times, he’d wake up barely breathing and hyperventilating .

Clarke was also struggling. Everyone except for Bellamy, was friendly towards her, in a polite sort of way. They talked and chatted with her but they never made the effort to include her in anything. That hurt!

What hurt her the most, though, was how Bellamy treated her. He ignored her unless he needed her to do something. She tried talking to him a few times but he just walked away. In the end she decided to give him time like he asked. The longer he ignored her, the more she felt depressed. It got to the point where she no longer had an appetite. As a result she was constantly loosing weight and lacking energy.

The signs of boredom soon began to show, as they all started getting irritable with each other. There was also tension between Monty and Murphy as well as Bellamy and Clarke and no one knew how to stop it. 

In an attempt to relieve the boredom and the tension, Bellamy suggested learning new skills. Raven started giving them lessons on how to find systems manuals and how to identify problems and fix them on the computer. While Clarke gave them first aid lessons and Bellamy gave them combat training.

One evening, during dinner, Clarke told Bellamy that they needed to talk. Bellamy didn’t react, he just continued eating as if she’d said nothing and that infuriated her.

“Come on Bellamy, how long are you going to keep punishing me?” She asked almost pleadingly.

The others shared knowing glances but said nothing. Bellamy calmly continued eating.

“Can you at least look at me?” She tried again.

Bellamy placed his knife and fork on his plate. He then picked up the plate, got up, walked to the sink, placed the plate in the sink, then walked to his room and closed the door.

Clarke burst into tears. Raven, Harper and Emori immediately surrounded her and tried to calm her down. Raven said “I think Blake needs a good talking to” as she started walking towards the sleeping quarters.

Clarke stopped her by yelling “No. Please Raven.Leave him alone. It’s not his fault, it’s mine.”

“That was then.” Raven replied “This is now. He needs to stop acting like a child and talk to you like an adult.” Raven continued as she walked back and sat next to Clarke.

“You did lock his sister out of the bunker to die and imprisoned him to keep him from saving her.”

Everyone looked at him disbelievingly. “Just saying” Murphy continued.

They all shouted “Shut up Murphy”, while Clarke continued crying. 

She looked at Murphy and said “You’re right. I did that and I apologised for it a number of times. I told him I made the wrong decision. I told him I was wrong and begged him to forgive me. I don’t know what else to do.”

“You don’t need to do anything else. We’ve all made mistakes including Blake. He needs someone to topple him off his high horse.” Raven was livid, she hated what Bellamy was doing to Clarke. He hadn’t even notice how much weight the poor girl lost.

Monty left them and quietly made his way to Bellamy’s room. He loved the guy but what he was doing to Clarke was cruel and he was going to tell him exactly that. 

For weeks Bellamy did his best not to show the others any signs of weakness. But tonight, the beginning of a panic attack hit him during dinner and when Clarke told him they needed to talk, the attack quickly escalated. He wanted to run to his room but tried his best to take it slowly so the others wouldn’t notice.

He collapsed on his bedroom floor and quickly got the paper bag, he carried in his pocket nowadays, out. He started taking deep breaths through the bag. His breathing was laboured and heavy. His head was swimming and he couldn’t do a thing about it. But he continued breathing through the bag until he calmed down.

He hated this. He hated that it was happening all over again, this feeling of panic and helplessness. He wondered how long he could live with it before he went insane and drove everyone around hm crazy. Did he really want to live with it? He didn’t think so. What would happen if he just gave up and ended it all. He’d get some peace that’s what would happen.

‘I mean no one needs me anymore, everyone I care about is safe.’ He reasoned. 

‘What about Clarke?’ He asked himself. Would she wait for him to get better not knowing if he ever would? She deserves to be happy but he was in no position to make her happy, not anymore.

Why didn’t he open up to her before this mess happened. Well it’s no use thinking about what could have been. No matter how hard he tried, he couldn’t change anything and didn’t have the will to. No the best thing he could do is to end it. That way no one will suffer, they’d all have peace once and for all.

Bellamy got up and went to his bedside table and got his gun out. He then sat on the floor, with his back resting against the wall, and raised the gun. He pointed it to his head and closed his eyes. ‘This is it then.’ He almost pulled the trigger but stopped. ‘Wait. Maybe I should write a goodbye note’ he thought to himself.

And that was when Monty walked in. Monty had knocked on the door but there was no answer. He’d knocked again and called out to Bellamy but again, there was no answer. He had all the codes for all the doors, so he punched the numbers and entered the room fully prepared to tell Bellamy off, but stopped dead on his tracks as he saw Bellamy pointing a gun to his own head. 

Monty panicked ‘No dear Godoy again.’ He couldn’t go through another friend dying in front of him. He had to stop Bellamy before it was too late.

He almost shouted ‘NO’ to Bellamy but thought it might push him over the edge. So he took a cautious step closer to Bellamy. Bellamy didn’t move, it was as if he was frozen in time. Monty moved closer and softly said “Bellamy”. Still Bellamy didn’t move.

Monty knelt in front of Bellamy and placed his hand on Bellamy’s hand, the one holding the gun. He slowly and softly moved it away from Bellamy’s face. 

Bellamy suddenly shook his head as if to clear it and looked straight into Monty’s eyes. He looked confused for a minute then asked “Monty? What the hell are you doing here?”

“Stopping you from doing something stupid.”

“Get out of here Monty” Bellamy calmly said as he stared at Monty.

Monty shook his head “No. I won’t let you do that. I can’t. I can’t watch another friend die. I did it with Jasper and I can’t do it again.” Monty’s eyes started to water but he tried to pry the gun out of Bellamy’s hand.

Bellamy pushed Monty “If you go you won’t watch anything”

Monty was angry he couldn’t believe Bellamy of all people could do this. “Do you think for a minute that I’d let you kill yourself?”

“Please Monty. Just go.” Bellamy said as he threw the gun away and put his hands on his face.

Monty felt bad for the guy. This is the guy who constantly put his life in danger to save them. Out of the entire 100, he was the guy who was strong and smart and sane. “What’s this about Bellamy? Why would you want to do that?”

“You won’t understand. You can’t. You weren’t there.” Bellamy shouted.

“Then tell me. I need to understand why the guy I admire and look up to the most wants to end his life.”

“Please, just go” Bellamy was close to tears and he really needed only to go.

Monty shook his head “NO”

“I don’t want you here. GET the hell OUT” Bellamy shouted.

Monty shouted back “NO”

By that time the others, having heard shouting, ran to Bellamy’s room. They saw Bellamy and Monty on the floor looking like they could kill each other.

“What the hell is going on here?” Raven asked.

Clarke ran and threw herself on top of Bellamy. She hugged him tightly and whispered in his ear “It’s happening again isn’t it?” Bellamy hugged her back, laid his head on her shoulder and cried.

The others exchanged glances and quietly walked out of the room, then closed the door behind them.


	16. Chapter 16

Bellamy held on to Clarke as he cried and she let him. She didn’t say a word but just continued to hold him knowing that at this moment, that is all he needed.

When he calmed down, he grumbled “I’m OK, you can let go”

Clarke let go and moved to sit next to him on the floor, with her back resting on the wall behind them. She stared ahead, not looking at him “What happened Bellamy? Between you and Monty?”

Bellamy didn’t reply, instead he got up and made his way to his bathroom. Before entering, he turned and looked at her “Thanks but I’m fine now. Go, I need to be alone”. He then turned and walked into his bathroom closing the door behind him.

She sat at the edge of his bed lost in thought looking around her but not seeing anything. She looked around the room feeling completely lost. How can he be so vulnerable one minute and so cold the next? He is struggling, she knew that and wanted to be there for him. But how can she when he keeps pushing her away. Tears streamed down her face.

Well, tears won’t help you. She told herself as she wiped them away. What she needed to do was find a way to help him and she will. She was determined and no one will stop her, not even Bellamy. She got up off the bed and took a step towards the bathroom when she stepped on something. 

A gun. Bellamy’s gun. She stepped on Bellamy’s gun. What’s it doing here? She wondered. Then she remembered Monty shouting and it all made sense. Bellamy was trying to kill himself and Monty walked in on him. Thank God for Monty, she thought.

The bathroom door opened and Bellamy walked out. He immediately saw her “Why are you still here?”

She stared at him “Tell me you didn’t just try to kill yourself.”

Bellamy looked away “Just go Clarke”

“Why? Just tell me why.” She pleaded.

He ran a hand though his unruly hair then took a deep breath “You won’t understand.”  
She didn’t back down “Try me.”

“You’re not gonna leave this alone are you?” He asked with raised brows and she just shook her head in the negative.

“Fine. I’m sick of fighting Clarke. I’m sick of waking up unable to breathe because of the nightmares. I’m sick of fighting constant panic attacks. I’m sick of avoiding you because I want you so bad but can’t have you. I can’t do it anymore.”

“Yes you can and you will” she was so adamant that he almost believed her.

“Give me one reason why”

“Love” she whispered.

He laughed “Love? You’re gonna give me that crap about love conquers all?”

“It can if you try”

Bellamy walked up to her, grabbed the gun out of her hand and threw it on the bed. He then placed both hands on her upper arms and shook her “Wake up Clarke. That shit about love only works in books or vids, not real life” He abruptly let go of her and looked away.

Clarke took a deep breath and with a shaking voice said “Bellamy look at me” He turned his head and looked at her.

“Tell me what you see” she continued.

“I see you” she shook her head

“What? What are you getting at” He asked confused, he wasn’t sure what she was asking.

“Can’t you see how thin I am? Can’t you see the bags under my eyes, my paler than normal skin?” he shook his head. All he saw was the gorgeous blonde with the sparkling blue eyes that he could get lost in.

“Look again” and he did and this time he saw what she was talking about.

He was instantly alarmed “Are you sick?” He asked.

“You did this to me because you won’t talk to me. I don’t have an appetite, I don’t enjoy anything. I’m just existing. And every time you ignore me, it gets worse. You’re breaking my heart every day, piece by piece”

“I’m sorry…” he started but she cut him off “This is what you do to me for ignoring me. Can you imagine what you’ll do to me if you killed yourself?” He stared at her, unable to reply. He felt guilty. He couldn’t believe he hadn’t noticed how thin she was. He was buried so far down in his own shit that he couldn’t see how much he was hurting her.

Her next statement shook him to his core “I’d die Bellamy.”

“Don’t be so melodramatic.” He said dismissively but inside he was falling apart. How could he have been so blind to her pain?

Clarke whirled around and picked up the gun. “I would DIE.” She said as she placed the gun against her temple.

Bellamy panicked “Clarke, no, don’t please” he said as he rushed to her side and pried the gun out of her hand. He then hugged her tightly “I’m sorry, I’m sorry I hurt you so much.”

Clarke wrapped her arms around his neck. And it was as if a dam had burst when her tears started streaming down her face getting his shirt wet. But she continued “I couldn’t live without you Bellamy. Do you understand what I’m saying?” then she buried her head in his shoulder.

He pulled her closer to him “Clarke, I’m not worth it.”

She pushed him away “Don’t you dare say that. You’re everything to me.” Her eyes were shining with fresh tears as she touched his hand and looked at him.

He pulled his hand away from hers “I told you you wouldn’t understand and you clearly don’t”

“Enlighten me then” she screamed in frustration.

“You don’t understand who I am now. You still think of me as the Bellamy you knew. That’s not who I am anymore. You think you can fix me, but you don’t understand that I’m broken Clarke and no amount of love and care will fix that”

“It’s you who doesn’t understand. We can fix this, I know we can. All you have to do is trust me. Let me help you. Let us all help you.” She hugged him tight.

He hugged her back but not as tightly because she was so thin and he thought that he might break her if he tightened his grip on her. “I wish you could. I really do. Truth is none of you are qualified to deal with my shit.”

She moved back and looked at him pleadingly “We have a computer that has all kind of information and scenarios that can help. I’m willing to try if you promise to try too. Will you try? For me?”

She looked at him with pure love and he couldn’t say no to her. Actually, he could never say no to her but when she looked at him like that, it was impossible to deny her anything. He nodded once and she smiled. That brilliant shiny smile that brings sunshine into your day and warmth into your body. For the first time, since they went to the bunker, Bellamy had hope

“I’ll try” he whispered in her ear.

In the meantime, outside, in the living area, the others gathered around Monty.  
“What the hell Monty? Why were you and Bellamy shouting?” Asked a baffled Raven. She knew how much Monty loved Bellamy and looked up to him. It wasn’t like him, the pacifist of the group, to fight with anyone, let alone Bellamy.

Monty whirled around and said “He was gonna kill himself” 

Everyone was stunned, they looked at him in disbelief. So, he continued “I couldn’t let him do it, not after Jasper. I couldn’t…” and he started crying. Harper gathered him in her arms “Of course you couldn’t” and held him as he continued to cry.

When he calmed down, he said “I don’t understand why? Why would Bellamy of all people do this? I mean Jasper was mourning and at the end he didn’t want to live anymore. But Bellamy? I just don’t get it”.

Raven was shaking her head, she couldn’t believe what Monty said, “I know he hasn’t been the same since the kidnapping. But I thought he got over that?”

“Do you guys know what happened to him when he was kidnapped?” Asked Murphy.

They looked at him and shook in the negative. “I don’t know if it’s my place to say anything. Maybe we should wait for him to tell you”

Raven looked at him angrily “Murphy, this is the first time in a long time that I’m gonna say this ‘Murphy spill’ or I swear to God I’ll make your life a living hell”

Monty, Harper and Raven took a step closer to him. He felt cornered, so he looked to Emori for help. “Maybe you should tell them, John. They can’t help him if they don’t know”

So, Murphy took a long deep breath “Bellamy was kidnapped by four people from Azgeda. A female and four males. They shackled him, gagged him and blindfolded him. Then, they raped him repeatedly – brutally – with no mercy. Over and over all night long.”

Raven and Harper were in tears and Monty just had his mouth open as if he couldn’t believe what he was hearing. “I remember how when he came back he wouldn’t touch or let anyone touch him. I thought he was angry at us for not rescuing him sooner. I never thought…”

Raven looked at everyone “So, now that we know, how are we gonna help him?”

In the following weeks, it became apparent that everyone was overly worried about him, to the point that they never let him go anywhere alone. They each would find an excuse to shadow him. Bellamy knew they cared about him but it was getting kind of ridiculous. They were treating him like a child and that is not what he signed up for when he promised Clarke that he’d try.

During one of their dinners he told them that he didn’t appreciate being supervised 24/7. “I know you all care. And I appreciate that. But please, I need to breathe, to feel free to do whatever I want, whenever I want.” He then got up and went to his room.

They backed off for about a week, but went back to shadowing him, except that this time, it was more subtle. They placed cameras everywhere as they watched his every move, and he called them out on it. This time however, they backed off completely as Clarke told them that they were making things worse.

Clarke dedicated an hour a day for them to do some research to help him with his recovery. He started trying some of exercises they found. Like listening to music, watching some vids and participating in the after dinner games. They were all geared towards him socialising more and isolating himself less. 

Bellamy started taking regular long walks with Clarke and he slowly started opening up to her. It was weird how he can open up to her and only her. Even way back when they’d first landed on earth, she was the one he could always talk to. He thought it was because she never judged him or she gave him confidence in himself. But the more time he spent with her, the more he’s come to realise it was because he loved her and trusted her and respected her more than anyone else.

On one of their long walks, he told her more than he’d intended to.

“Clarke? Can I tell you something?”

“Of course, you can tell me anything. What is it?”

“The reason I felt like killing myself.”

She looked at him alarmed, but didn’t say anything.

“When the Azgeda people abducted me, they didn’t just torture me, they raped me.”

“Yes, I know that. I treated you after.”

“They raped me over and over. They kept at it for hours without stopping. I passed out several times.” Clarke’s heart broke for him. She knew he was raped but didn’t know how bad it was.

“What bothers me and keeps me up at night is not the actual rape. I think I have recovered physically from that. What bothers me was feeling helpless, unable to fight back because they had me shackled to the wall. It’s feeling hopeless because I knew no one would be coming to rescue me because I didn’t tell anybody where I was going. But most of all it’s feeling like I’m dirty, or like I have some horrible disease. No matter how much I showered and cleaned myself I still felt dirty deep down.”

“Do you still feel that way?”

“Yes, specially when I am with you. I want us to be together Clarke. But every time I touch you, I feel like I’m gonna infect you with a horrible disease. Every time I think that I can get past it, I feel more dirty.”

She stopped walking and turned around “When they brought you back, mum pumped you with so much antibiotics that I think any disease would have pleaded for her to stop. You are not dirty Bellamy and you do not have some horrible disease.”

“I know that, but I still feel it and I can’t shake it off”

“Do you want to try?”

“Try what?”

“Shaking that feeling off. I think the best way is for us to be together. I don’t mean sex, but we could try just sleeping on the same bed and holding each other all night long. Do you think it might help?”

“Guess it’s worth a try.”

They agreed to try it on their next day off together, which was in two weeks. 

Two months later

Clarke woke up in the middle of the night. Her head was resting on his broad chest and he had an arm around her back and a hand buried in her hair. It was so serene and peaceful, like only the two of them existed. Their trial went from their days off, to every week, to every second day, to every day.

She should have been happy, but she wasn’t. She was frustrated. She has been sleeping next to him every night for the past month and he hadn’t once attempted to touch or kiss her. She was also aware of the showers he had in the middle of the night. She knew he was relieving his sexual tension away from her.

Soon she started doing the same. She’d wake up early in the morning and quickly make her way to her room for a quick orgasm. They never talked about it and she was too scared to bring it up in case he got anxious or worse kicked her out. So, she kept silent.

This morning however, was really hard because as she stretched, her hand accidentally brushed past his cock and he was really, really hard. Which in turn got her really, really wet. She knew she was so turned on that she wouldn’t make it back to her room, so she headed for his bathroom instead.

She quickly undressed and turned the water on as her hand started touching her most intimate parts. Her index finger started to make slow circles around her clit as she imagined Bellamy inside her, thrusting hard and deep. She closed her eyes imagining his long thick cock and just when she was close, the bathroom door opened.

Bellamy just stood there totally in shock, then turned and walked back the way he came. She quickly dressed and went back to the bedroom. “Bellamy?” She started. He just shook his head as if he didn’t want to listen to what she has to say.

“Do you have any idea how hard it’s been for me to sleep next, wanting you so bad, night after night?” She asked but he just shook his head.

“It’s torture.” She continued. 

He quickly looked at her before turning away “What you were doing, it’s…it’s dirty and ….disgusting” 

“You do it too. I heard you in the shower at night” She countered.

“That was dirty and disgusting too. I barely make it before being physically sick”

“What?” Clarke couldn’t believe what she was hearing. 

“You still don’t understand. Do you? I cannot, will not have sex again, ever. I…I just can’t even …”

Clarke took a deep breath “Then we can’t keep doing this. I can’t sleep next to you anymore. It’s too…hard.” And with that, she got up and went to her room.

Bellamy sat on his bed stunned. He couldn’t believe that she would just walk out. Wait, does that mean she won’t sleep next to him anymore? She can’t do that. It would mean a return to his nightmares and panic attacks. He needed her.

Do you even hear yourself? How selfish you sound? He asked himself. Clarke is a grown woman, she has needs and sleeping next to him was “torture” to her. Which meant she was suffering every night while he slept peacefully. Yes, he got up in the middle of the night to masturbate, but the nightmares did not return. She made his nightmares go away, she was his safe haven. He couldn’t eat go of that, could he?

He had to for Clarke’s sake. He couldn’t let her suffer in silence anymore. She doesn’t deserve that. He was the one with issues, not her. He would just deal with it, like he always did.

In the following days, Bellamy went through the daily chores, tried his best to socialise with everyone, including Clarke. On top of not sharing his bed, she also stopped taking long walks and doing the research with him. She told him it was all too hard.

Inevitably, his nightmares returned, but they weren’t as horrific as before. He’d wake up with a start but they didn’t keep him awake. Clarke did, or rather, missing her did. He missed her. He missed their long walks and talks, he missed her smile, the way her eyes sparkled when she saw him. But most of all he missed holding her all night long. He just missed her so much.

After about three days, he couldn’t take it anymore. He cornered her at the tube leading to the water tanks. “We need to talk”.

She looked at him and nodded “I know, but can it wait until I finish my maintenance checks?”

“Sure. Meet me in my room when you finish”. With that he turned and exited the tube.


	17. Chapter 17

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry guys. I haven’t updated for a while. It’s been a really busy X’mas/new year period and after that I went to the Australian Open which was AMAZING. (I’m a huge Tennis fan)  
With the Corona virus, I had to be extra careful to ensure that mum is OK. And toilet paper is still a huge issue.  
Hope you are all well and keeping up with social distancing and frequently washing your hands with soap and water.  
Please take care and look after yourselves.

Murphy and Emori were preparing dinner in the kitchen. Emori was chopping vegetables while Murphy was looking for the right pots and pans. He suddenly stopped walked up to her and kissed her.

“What was that for?” She asked with a smile.

He smiled and hugged saying “For being you. I’m so proud of you for adjusting to life here so well.”

“I’m a survivor John, just like you.”

“That’s what I love about you. That and how smart you are.” He said as he kissed her on the cheek.

“What’s going on?” She asked.

“Nothing. I just want to show you how much I appreciate you.” He let go of her then and looked her in the eye “We’ve come a long way from when we first met. Who knew that meeting would bring us here?”

She smiled and touched his face “I still can’t believe that someone like you could love someone like me. The girl no one wanted”

Murphy cupped her face and looked into her eyes “Never say that about yourself. Your parents were wrong to do that, but at least you had your brother to care for you. I had no one. My mum blamed me for my father’s death and she drank herself to death. She hated my very existence. I am so lucky to have found you”

“And don’t you forget it” Emori said then she cupped kissed him. 

He walked back to the pantry and got some pots and pans out. He asked “Who’s your favourite person here?”

“Favourite after you?” She smirked.

Murphy nodded as he walked back to the bench.

Emori thought for a bit and said “Bellamy”

Murphy felt a pang of jealousy. Even knowing that Emori loved him, Bellamy seems to be a favourite for all females. “Why is that?”

Emori looked at him and smiled “I don’t really know him like the rest of you but he seems to really care about all of us. He makes me feel like I’m part of the group, not an outsider. He has this knack when he talks that gets people to do what he wants, but he doesn’t use it to benefit himself, he uses it to help others. I find that I want to do what he asks without questioning it because I know it is for our good.”

Murphy didn’t like what he was hearing “If I wasn’t around, do you think you would want him? I mean do you find him attractive?”

“I do find him attractive. He is very handsome and has a body to kill for. But if I’m honest, he’s not my type. Besides, Clarke would probably kill me and I definitely do not want to cross her.” She laughed.

Murphy Hugged her again and was about to ask another question when they were interrupted by Raven who just waltzed into the living quarters saying “We have to do something about Bellamy and Clarke”

Murphy let go of Emori and said “No way. I’m not getting involved in whatever scheme you have”

But Emori cut in “What’s on your mind Raven?” Murphy shook his head at her, but Emori just smiled and touched his arm as if to calm him down.

Monty and Harper walked in then, “What’s up Raven, why did we have to meet here?” Monty asked.

Raven looked at everyone and gestured for them to sit down and they all did.

“We have to do something about Bellamy and Clarke or we’re gonna lose both of them.”

Everyone just stared at her, so she continued “Bellamy was close to killing himself and Clarke was fading away because she was depressed, and we did nothing. We thought that because they got closer that their problems would go away. They haven’t. I heard them arguing a few days ago and Clarke hasn’t slept in his room since. Bellamy closed himself off more and Clarke is close to tears all the time.”

“That’s for them to work out” Harper suggested.

“Normally, I would agree with you. If they were well adjusted individuals. But we all know the trauma that Bellamy has gone through and that is something that takes years of therapy to get over. Therapy that he is not getting. As for Clarke, I’m sure she feels guilt over all the decisions she made to save us all. Decisions that resulted in lots of deaths.”

“But what can we do? We’re not qualified therapists.” Asked Monty.

Raven stared at everyone “We need to do an intervention.”

“Float me now” Murphy stated.

Monty, Harper and Raven retorted with a “Shut up Murphy”

Murphy huffed and Emori laughed.

Monty pondered this for a bit “But how is this intervention gonna help?”

Raven smiled and said “I have a plan.”

Clarke finished her shift and was making her way to Bellamy’s quarters when she was intercepted by Raven. “How’s it going Clarke?”

Clarke smiled and said “Fine” as she continued walking. Raven somehow led her to the living quarters where Monty, Harper, Murphy and Emori were sitting. They all looked up at once.

Clarke felt that something was up. But before she could ask, she felt a sharp prick in her neck, then nothing.

Bellamy woke up from a heavy sleep. He couldn’t even remember when he went to sleep. He remembered waiting for Clarke, next thing he knew, he was waking up. He tried to get up but couldn’t. His arms and legs felt like led. So, he turned his head and found Clarke sleeping next to him.

He tried to move so he could shake her to see if she was OK, but couldn’t move so he called out her name.

She stirred then her eyes opened. She slowly tuned her head and looked at him questioningly. She tried moving but couldn’t.

“Bellamy? What’s going on? Why can’t I move?”

“I can’t move either.”

“That’s because we drugged you.” 

Raven’s voice rang out and they both moved their heads towards the sound. They found all the others sitting at the end of the bed.

Bellamy looked at Raven and asked “What’s going on Reyes?”

She coolly replied “An intervention”

Bellamy and Clarke looked at each other and then back at Raven Who could literally feel their anger bubbling to the surface.

“Now, now, don’t get angry, just listen. OK?” Raven asked.

Monty then started “On behalf of everyone here, we care about you guys and we are worried about you. Although you are both diligently doing your duties, we feel you are not in a good place.”

Raven butted in “What Monty is trying to say, but diplomatically, is that you are both suffering from mental issues and that is affecting all of us. We are all suffering from anxiety because we are worried about you. Now normally, you would tell us to butt out. But since we are stuck in this bunker for at least 6 years, we need to address those issues.” 

“Raven, you are not saying anything we don’t already know. Unfortunately, we don’t have qualified people to help us through this. Bellamy and I have been researching for ways to deal with this, but what we found is barely helpful” Clarke said.

Raven nodded and her pony tail bounced “That is where I come in. I’ve been doing some research of my own. I created a program, almost like an AI, to be a psychologist and downloaded all the work done by field experts into it.”

Bellamy shouted “Are you crazy? Haven’t you learned anything from the Allie debacle?”

“Of course I have. I have programmed some security protocols as well. It is very safe. Trust me. It’s only purpose is to help us with psychological issues, nothing else is programmed into it. If it tries to seek information that is not relevant to its purpose, it automatically shuts down. I’ve even put it on a terminal that is not connected to the main computer.”

Everyone looked uncertain about what she said. Raven continued “Look, I have a number of programs that will prevent it from doing anything crazy. I named it ‘Ben’.”

Bellamy shook his head “I’m not convinced that it is safe.”

Monty cut in “You trust Raven, don’t you? If she says it’s safe, I for one, believe her. But to ease your concerns, I will run some of my own tests, just to be on the safe side.”

They all nodded.

Raven took a deep breath and continued “You might not like what I’m gonna say next, but for this to work, you both have to agree to two things” She lifted on finger “One. Each of you will have a session a day with Ben, no ifs and buts, this must be done. Whatever Ben suggests, you must follow.”

Bellamy and Clarke reluctantly nodded their agreement.

Raven lifted another finger “Two” she looked at Bellamy “You are not ready for a relationship. You need to recover from your trauma and cannot be pressured into anything right now.”

She then fixed her stare on Clarke ““Look, we all need Bellamy to recover, and part of that has to do with you. I know you love him and you would do anything for him. Whatever you do, don’t push him to do anything he is not ready for, it could ruin his recovery.”

Everyone looked at Clarke and she looked away. She felt like she was under scrutiny and she wasn’t comfortable about where this was going.

Raven continued undeterred “ You should not expect anything more than a friendship from Bellamy, so you can’t sleep in his room anymore. I know you were only doing that to help him sleep, but if he’s gonna recover, he needs to do so by himself and not rely on you or anyone else. Of course you can love and support him, but you cannot enable him to run away from his problems.”

“You’ve gone too far Reyes.” Bellamy shouted angrily.

“Maybe, but I’m doing this for all our sakes.”

Clarke nodded her head at Raven, then looked at Bellamy “What Raven is saying makes sense. I think we should do it.”

Bellamy was frustrated, he knew it made sense, but he needed Clarke. What Raven was suggesting was gonna keep Clarke away. He looked at Raven and the others “Do you all agree with Raven?”

They all nodded their heads.

Monty added “We want what is best for you.”

Bellamy nodded “Fine, but first I need to talk to Clarke, in private”

They all got up and left the room without saying another word.

Bellamy looked at Clarke “I had this speech prepared before all this happened. But it all comes down to this. I’m so sorry about how things have gone between us. I want you to know that what I said was not about you.”

“I know” she replied.

“You are the most amazing person I know. What I said was about me. I’m the one with the issues and you’ve been nothing but caring and understanding.”

“No, I haven’t” she shook her head.

“Yes you have, you’ve helped me and all I did was hurt you. I’m so sorry Clarke”

She wished she could hug him then but she couldn’t, “You have nothing to be sorry for. You were right, I didn’t understand the depth of your suffering. I assumed that just because you were strong that you’d recover quickly. I was so wrong Bellamy.”

“I wish things were different. I wish I could click my fingers and make it all go away, but I can’t.”

She smiled at him “I know how hard this is for you”

Bellamy smiled back, but it never reached his eyes “It’s ironic don’t you think? I had no trouble sleeping with whoever I wanted whenever I wanted. And now that we finally admitted we love each other, I can’t have sex with the one person I actually want.”

“You might not be able to have sex now, but you will in future. I know you will, because I know you can beat this”

Clarke’s sincerity was written all over her face which prompted Bellamy to say “I will beat this.” Bellamy was so determined that Clarke felt more hopeful than she had for a long time.

He then turned and looked at her “I don’t know how long it would take and I don’t want you to suffer in the meantime.” Bellamy took a deep breath and continued “So, if you want to sleep with someone else while I get my shit together, do it”

Clarke was mad “Seriously? Would you do that if the situation was reversed?”

“Probably not” Bellamy admitted begrudgingly.

“Then why do you think I could?”

Bellamy wished he could hug her then. She looked so offended by what he said and he really did not mean to offend her. 

He smiled at her and said “I love you Clarke”

“I love you too”

He took a deep breath “So, we are gonna do this, right?”

“Yes, but I want you to know that it won’t be easy. I’ll be here for you and I promise to support you every step of the way”

Bellamy smiled and nodded his head “I wouldn’t have it any other way”. 

They slept soon after.

Monty and Harper went straight to their room. Monty didn’t say anything on the way and Harper was worried. Something was bothering him and if he didn’t talk about it, it’ll probably keep him up all night.

“Are you worried about the AI ‘Ben’?” She started.

“No. I just feel like I should’ve been the one to come up with something to help Bellamy. Raven is right, we ignored the problem. If Bellamy had killed himself that day, I would’ve never been able to forgive my self.”

She stood in front of him and put her hand on his arm,“but he didn’t and hopefully this ‘Ben’ will be able to help him”

“God, I hope so”

“Don’t worry, it will be OK”

Monty nodded and smiled at Harper, he looked at the bed and then at her. 

She laughed and said “About time.”

Murphy hadn’t said a word to Emori since they left Bellamy’s room. 

“Is something bothering you John?” Emori asked as she placed a hand on his arm and looked him in the eye.

Murphy moved her hand away and walked towards the bathroom “Nah. Nothing” He replied as he started taking his clothes off.

“I know you and you are not acting like nothing is wrong. So, out with it” Emori stated.

Murphy turned back and looked at her “It’s just… I feel like…. I can’t compete with Bellamy”

“Why would you?”

“Well you said he’s you favourite and I….”

“Oh my God, you’re jealous!” She exclaimed.

“What, no. You don’t know what you’re talking about” Murphy mumbled as he ran to the bathroom to have a shower. He was so unsure about her feelings for him. Was he jealous, is this what it felt like? 

Suddenly, he felt her behind him, touching his back “I love you John, there is no one else for me. You’re it” she then moved to stand in front of him. She cupped his face and asked “Did you hear me?”

He nodded and smiled at her. She was telling him the truth, he felt it in his bones. He gestured to the shower “Care to join me?” He asked as he held her hand and led her into the shower with him.


	18. Chapter 18

A couple of days later and after Monty did his testing on Ben, and declared it safe, Bellamy walked into the room where Ben’s terminal was situated. He looked around the room and all he could see was a couch, a chair, a bench with a computer screen and keyboard on top of it.

He took a deep breath, walked towards the bench and sat on the chair. He clicked the [Enter] button on the keyboard and leaned back on the chair.

The screen lit up and a face appeared. It was of a blond man in his thirties. He had a friendly face. He looked like a genuinely nice person, someone you can trust. The face on the screen looked at Bellamy, smiled then said

BEN [Hello, I’m Ben. And you are Bellamy.]

BELLAMY [Hi Ben. How do you know who I am?]

BEN [Raven uploaded a file for each of you. The file has some background information on each of you and of course what you look like.]

BELLAMY [I see]

BEN [So, Bellamy. What’s on your mind?]

BELLAMY [I don’t know where to begin.]

BEN [Start with what is troubling you.]

BELLAMY [I…] He started, then stopped. He ran a hand through his messy hair, then continued, [I guess what is troubling me is not being me anymore and I don’t know how to get back to that]

BEN [According to Raven, you are the most responsible guy in this bunker. You do everything to make sure that you all survive, and they all listen to you. So why do you feel that you are not you?]

BELLAMY [Because the old me was also friendly and sociable. This me, avoids everyone. I used to be able to just strike up a conversation with anyone about anything without any trouble. Now, I don’t know what to say to them, so I avoid them]

BEN [Why do you think this is happening?]

Bellamy [I guess it’s because I don’t want to see pity in their eyes. I’m their leader and I need to be strong for all of them. So, breaking down in front of them, well let’s just say, it’s the worst thing that could have happened. I can’t be vulnerable in front of them. I can’t be weak.]

BEN [It seems like you associate being vulnerable with being weak. Being vulnerable is a human trait. From what I’ve accessed on human behaviour, humans, at some point in their lives, will break down or experience vulnerability. Life does that to them. How they deal with that is what makes them either strong or weak.]

BELLAMY [What about not dealing with it at all?]

BEN [That would be like running away from it and not facing it. A very weak yet understandable reaction.]

BELLAMY [See, that is why I want the old me back. He would have faced it head on, not ran away from it.]

BEN [You are being hard on yourself. You’ve been though a major traumatic event and that is not something you can recover from overnight. Your circumstances after that made it even harder for you to recover because you were never given the tools to help you recover. There was no one there to guide you through it. That is where I come in. I can help you, if you let]

Bellamy nodded.

BEN [OK. First, I need you to be kind to yourself]

BELLAMY [What does that even mean?]

BEN [It means don’t be hard on yourself. You have already been attacked from the outside, don’t make it worse by attacking yourself from the inside]

BELLAMY [I wasn’t aware I was doing that.]

BEN [Every time you feel like you are not you, you are in fact attacking yourself. Yes, you are having trouble relating to others, but that is because of what you’ve been through, not because you are a lesser or weaker version of you.]

Bellamy nodded as he contemplated what Ben was saying.

BEN [I think that is enough for today. What you need to do is be kind to yourself. Tomorrow, we will talk about your trauma.]  
BELLAMY [What if I don’t want to talk about it? I don’t do feelings.]

BEN [Then I won’t be able to help you.] Ben paused for a split second [Let me explain why it is important to talk about your trauma. You have gone through a trauma. This trauma has jumbled up your mind. It’s like your mind now has a lot of knots in it. These knots are what is keeping you from as you put it “being yourself”. Talking about the trauma and your feelings, will help you free unknot those knots. Does that make sense to you?]

Bellamy was sceptical, but he’ll try anything to be normal again. [Yes, I guess so] he said.

BEN smiled and Bellamy thought it was a genuine feel good kind of smile, which was strange since this was not a real person.  
BEN [Good. I’ll see you tomorrow?]

BELLAMY [Yes, you will]

The screen went blank and Bellamy thought ‘I guess I’ve been dismissed’. So, he got up and left.

Over the course of the next few months, Bellamy gradually felt better about himself. He wasn’t even aware it was happening. Ben has helped him face some shit. The sessions were emotionally draining, yet he felt better afterwards.

After about three months of therapy with Ben, Bellamy finally decided it was time to put the things he’s learned into action or as BEN put it ‘time to face the music’. He was ready for it or at least better equipped to handle things.

He didn’t immediately go to his room after dinner like he used to. He began spending more time with his friends after dinner. He stayed and chatted with them. At first, it was hard. He’d stay for five to ten minutes and then he’d feel his anxiety beginning to build, so, he’d make an excuse and go to his room. Over time, he stayed longer.

Murphy was the first to comment. “You good now?”

“No, I’m far from good, but I’m getting there”

Murphy nodded then tapped him on the shoulder “Good talk.” Then walked away.

Of course, Clarke helped him a lot. It was like she knew what he needed before he asked for help. They didn’t talk much, but she did little things to show her support. Like placing a hand on his arm when he was ready to bolt, that made him stay longer. Or a squeeze of his hand that made him deal better with an onset of a panic attack, or even just a smile when he was feeling down. Knowing that she was supporting him really helped him and he will always be grateful to her for that.

Socialising became easier overtime or maybe his friends made it easy. Bellamy wasn’t sure which, but he found that he was no longer avoiding them. He wasn’t sure when exactly it happened, but he was happy that it did.

One night, after dinner, Murphy got a large card box and placed it on the dinner table saying “Look what I found”

Everyone was eager to open the box and see what is inside. Murphy pushed everyone away “I found it - I open it”

Murphy practically attacked the box and mangling it in the process, but finally he opened it. There were some strange boxes in there. Murphy picked up a box labelled ‘POKER’ and showed it to everyone “Does anyone know what this is?”

Bellamy replied “I do. Poker is an old earth card game. People used to play it all the time, they even had tournaments for it.”  
“Do you know how to play it?” asked Raven.

“Yes” he said and then proceeded to teach them how to play it. They played it for the first time that night. They all loved it so much that they dedicated a night each week to play it. The weirdest thing was Murphy really sucked at it. You’d think someone who was as devious as Murphy would excel in this game, but he could not bluff anyone. It was really funny watching Murphy’s expression as someone outbluffed him which was normally Harper. 

A few weeks after that night, Bellamy became more confident with socialising. He even went out of his way to start a conversation with Monty.

Bellamy had finished his work schedule early and rather than going back to his room, like he always did, he took a detour to the hydro farm.

“Hey Monty” he started.

Monty was clearly surprised to see him but smiled and replied “Hey Bellamy. What brings you here?”

“Just wanted to catch up with my friend, is that all right with you?”

Monty looked at him for a split second before he said “More that all right, I’d say it’s overdue”

“Yeah, I know. It’s just...”

But before he could explain, Monty cut him off “Don’t Bellamy. I know what’s been happening with you. You don’t have to explain it to me. I’m just glad you’re here.”

Bellamy ran a hand through his hair and looked at his feet before looking at Monty “So, what’s new with you?” Then he looked around and asked, “and where is Harper?”

Monty gestured for them to sit on the nearest bench “Harper hasn’t been feeling well all day so I sent her to our room to rest.” He then smiled and asked, “do you really want to hear what’s new?”

Bellamy nodded.

“Well, today, I found we have a grapevine, can you believe it, we have grapes. Emori says she can cook us some stuffed vine leaves. I don’t know what that is like, but she assures me it’s delicious.”

“That’s great Monty, I look forward to eating it.”

“And I’ve started growing mangoes, do you know what that is?”

“It’s a fruit, right? It is sweet and delicious. One of mum’s wishes was to taste it before she died.”

They talked amicably for few minutes when Bellamy said “I miss this. I miss talking to you Monty. “

“Me too Bellamy.”

They both smiled then Bellamy left soon after.

His nightmares began to occur less often and some nights he dreamt of Clarke. He couldn’t remember what the dreams were about but he knew they involved Clarke as he always woke up with a smile when they happened. Ah!!! CLARKE!!!! What was he going to do about her? He really loved her and he knows she loved him too, but up to this point, something or other got in the way. If it wasn’t someone (Finn and Lexa) or some ones (the grounders and the mountain men) or just being too busy trying to survive, something always got in the way. But now, he knew it was him that was getting in the way. Although he felt better about things, he still couldn’t start a relationship with Clarke, mainly because he knew he would not be able to stop himself from kissing her or making love to her which would turn probably end with him hyperventilating or worse throwing up.

He spoke to Ben about it and Ben suggested he tries to spend more time with Clarke, just the two of them. He also stated that maybe they should just start building on their friendship and nothing more, like just to talk and be together. That way Bellamy would not feel any pressure. Bellamy thought about this for a bit. If Ben thought he was ready, then he should try.

A few nights later, after dinner, everyone was sitting around the dinner table and talking. The girls were organising a costume party, and Raven assured them that they had a device that can replicate any costume they wanted. The boys were playing what they called the ‘Name Game’. Where they see who can name more names starting with a certain letter. They were up to the letter M.

Bellamy leaned back in his seat and stretched. He started contemplating his life in the bunker. He realised that he was content for the first time in a long time – since they landed on earth. He had everything he needed, food - drink - oxygen and people he cared about, his new family. What else could he want. And the best part was how peaceful it was, no one was trying to kill them, and they weren’t just trying to survive, they were actually living. It felt so good.

He must’ve have zoned out for a bit because Clarke had her hand on his arm and was looking at oddly at him. He looked back confused. “Is everything all right?” She asked.

He smiled at her “Everything is great. I actually feel good today”

She smiled back “I’m glad”.

He thought that this was the moment. He could ask her, but was he ready? He hesitated.

Clarke noticed his hesitation. She knew he was going to say something important to her. But she didn’t push him too, instead, she waited patiently for him to say something.

Bellamy finally decided to go ahead. He felt good and he hoped he was courageous enough to do this properly, “Hey Clarke” he started, and took a deep breath “Can I ask you something?”

Finally, she thought to herself then nodded “Of course”

He looked into her eyes, “When is your next day off?”

She looked surprised but answered anyway “Next Tuesday”

“Do me a favour and meet me outside the ‘Animal farm’ door at 11 am on Tuesday?”

“Why”

“I just want to spend some time with you. Just the two of us”

“OK, it’s a date” She smiled one of her dazzling smiles and for the first time in a long time, Bellamy felt genuinely happy and excited.

When Bellamy told Ben about what he did, Ben sounded pleased that he took that step. However, he warned him that he should take things slowly with Clarke.

When Tuesday finally came around, he was ready, or as ready as he could be knowing that he could still stuff this up with his anxiety. But he promised himself he would not allow that to get in the way.

He made it to the farm on time carrying a picnic basket and a blanket. Clarke was already there. She looked stunning in blue dress that hugged her chest and waist and flowed out from her hips down. It was a simple dress, yet she looked sooo good in it that he was speechless. 

He began “Clarke you look…” He couldn’t find the word he needed to describe how amazing she looked so he settled for “great”

She laughed “Surely you can do better than that?”

“I wish I could. I am speechless. I can’t find the proper word”

She smiled and said “you don’t look so bad yourself” 

Bellamy was wearing a white shirt and black pants, not the usual uniform he wore. “thanks” he said.

“What have you got there?’ Clarke asked as she pointed to his picnic basket.

“I asked Murphy and Emori to prepare a lunch for us”

“That’s …” and now Clarke was speechless. It was such a sweet gesture and she wasn’t expecting it. “That’s totally unexpected”

Bellamy smiled “I’m not gonna lie, I have no idea what is in there, but I’m sure we’re gonna enjoy eating it”

She nodded suddenly feeling apprehensive. She wondered if this was going to work out or end up being another disaster. Bellamy took her hand and led her to the door. He placed his other hand on the security plate outside the door and the door slid open “Shall we?”

“Sure” she said and let Bellamy lead her into the farm. The farm door silently closed behind them.


	19. Chapter 19

Bellamy led Clarke through a few sections of the farm. The farm was huge and housed several different domesticated animals each with a section of their own. He then led her to an open field of grass with shrubs, flowers and trees. The colours here were vibrant and unblemished. Clarke looked around in awe of what Becca had achieved in this bunker. It was like finding a treasure trove.

“This is incredibly beautiful, Bellamy. Thank you for bringing me here.” She commented.

“We still have a way to go. Monty showed me a spot and it is breathtaking, that’s where we’re going.” Bellamy stated as he continued to pull her behind him and up the grass field.

Ten minutes later, Bellamy ordered her to close her eyes and Clarke instantly obeyed him. She blindly followed his lead as they walked for a few meters then turned right.

“You can open them now”

Clarke opened her eyes and couldn’t believe what she saw. It was a waterfall. They had a waterfall in the bunker? Who would have thought? The water ran down a cliff and into a small pool. The water in the pool was so clear that you could see all the way to the bottom.

“You were right it is breathtaking. Is the water cold?” She asked.

“No, it is quite warm.” Bellamy replied as he put the basket down and began spreading the blanket on the grass.

She turned and looked at him “Thank you for bringing me here”

He smiled “You’re welcome.” He then sat on the blanket and looked up at her “So, what do you want to do first? Swim, eat or just laze around?”

“Oh, definitely swim, but I didn’t bring a bathing suit.”

“I did, for both of us.” He opened the basket and pulled out a bag. He showed her the contents of the bag. Two towels, a one-piece black bathing suit for her and black shorts for him.

“How long have you been planning this?” She asked impressed with his thoughtfulness.

“Since I asked you out”

She grabbed the bathing suit and went behind a tree to change. Bellamy just changed on top of the blanket he was sitting on.

“Are you ready?” he asked when he finished changing.

“Yes” she replied and started walking towards him.

The minute he saw her in that bathing suit, Bellamy knew he was a goner. He thought she looked amazing in her blue dress, but her in this - this bathing suit? Well, let’s just say beyond amazing. She looked like a magnificent Greek goddess.   
He gulped. His body was doing all kinds of unwelcomed things, so he turned away from her, ran towards the pool and jumped in. Clarke followed him in almost instantly.

They swam for a bit, in total silence. Bellamy stopped and looked at her “I like this”

She nodded “Me too”.

Suddenly, she jumped up and pushed him down into the water. As he wasn’t expecting it, he took in a lot of water and started coughing furiously when he came up for air.

He looked at her with a menacing look “You know, this means war” He stated as he picked her up, lifted her above his shoulders and threw her into the water.

And then it was on. They pushed water into each other’s faces and played the dunking game some more. They were laughing like children. Straight from the heart. It was all so easy and fun, and Bellamy did not feel anxiety seeping in, for even a split second. He had a stupid grin on his face, and he was laughing like an idiot and it didn’t matter to him. Not in the slightest.

They then swam and treaded water silently for a bit and after a while, they both felt tired. Without saying anything to each other, they both walked out of the water together. 

She immediately started shivering, so, Bellamy ran and brought her a towel. She dried herself while he got himself a towel and started drying himself. When he looked up, she was still shivering. Bellamy wrapped his towel around his shoulders and opened his arms “Come here” he said.

Clarke took a couple of steps and practically threw herself at him. He wrapped her up in his arms and started rubbing his hands up and down her back and arms, just to warm her up. Clarke laid her head on his chest and hugged him tight, not wanting to let go. He smiled to himself and rested his chin on her head.

They stayed entwined in each other’s arms for a bit until he let go of her and took and step back. He looked into her eyes, “I wish life was this simple all the time. I wish that we are always at peace. Within ourselves and with each other”

“Me too, I’m so glad that we don’t have to fight to survive anymore” She replied smiling at him.

Bellamy sat down and pulled her down next to him. He put an arm around her shoulder and lifted her chin so that he could look at her. She looked back at him smiling and he couldn’t help himself, he had to kiss her. He slowly moved his lips closer to hers. When their lips were almost touching, she closed her eyes in anticipation, so she could really savour their first kiss.

But!!! It never came.

He wanted to kiss her so bad, but when he got close, he felt panic rising in him. So, he stopped and turned to where the basket was. He cleared his throat, “We should eat” he said without looking at her.

Clarke was disappointed, but she didn’t say anything. She knew he was still struggling with intimacy but she really wished he wasn’t. Instead of getting angry, she nodded and moved closer to the basket to see what Murphy and Emori prepared for them.  
She picked up a strange looking sandwich that had white and green stuff in it,“What’s this?” she asked.

“I think that’s a chicken and avocado sandwich” he replied without looking at her.

Clarke took a bite of the sandwich and savoured the taste “Mmmm, this is so delicious. Do you want to try?” She asked as she offered him the sandwich. He took a bite and closed his eyes as if in total bliss.

“It is delicious!!! Man, who would have thought that Murphy could cook and make sandwiches this good. I actually thought he had no skills at all, except maybe his survival skills and his uncanny ability to double-cross people.”

Clarke laughed “That was the old Murphy. He is a much better person now, ever since meeting and falling in love with Emori. It just goes to show you what the love of a good woman can do.”

Bellamy raised his right brow “Are you hinting at something Clarke?”

“No, just stating the obvious”

They continued eating in silence and then Bellamy poured some wine in the wine glasses he brought. He gave her a glass and she took it.

He raised his glass and said “A toast. To friendship” they then clicked their glass and she repeated “To friendship”. They both drank in silence after that.

When they finished eating and drinking, they packed everything back in the basket and then Bellamy stretched on his back with his hands clasped behind his head. He closed his eyes for a bit and then asked “Do you mind if I take a nap?”

“Not at all”

Bellamy folded his towel and placed it on the blanket before lying down on his back and resting his head on the towel. He then promptly fell asleep.

Clarke thought he must be exhausted because he slept straight away. She was happy about that because she now had the time to look at him without worrying about getting caught and embarrassing herself.

She couldn’t help but stare at his ruggedly handsome face which was peppered with freckles. His unruly curly black hair that fell around his forehead in no particular order, yet perfectly framed his face. He looked peaceful and relaxed in his sleep. She wished he’d stop carrying the weight of the world on his shoulders, so he could look this relaxed more often.

Her eyes moved to his body. He had a well built, athletic but not an overly muscly body. She didn’t like men with huge bulging muscles because they reminded her of apes. Bellamy’s muscles were the perfect size. His shoulders were wide, tapering to a small waist and then muscly strong thighs and calves. He didn’t have an ounce of fat on him. Everything about him was perfect.   
His beautifully tanned body glistened with the water, from the pool, that was still drying. A line of light black hair ran from between his pecs to his stomach until it disappeared under his shorts.

Although they slept next to each other and cuddled a few times, she had never actually seen him shirtless, nor touched him. She wished she could now, but then she would break his peaceful sleep and he looked like he needed it.

The smattering of freckles that littered his face and body, were so endearing – so uniquely Bellamy. He was simply gorgeous and Clarke was having a hard time restraining herself from touching him. 

Clarke was so engrossed in admiring Bellamy that she didn’t notice that he’d never actually gone to sleep and was instead watching her watching him.

With eyes still closed he teased “See anything you like?”

Clarke was startled when she heard his voice, but she pulled herself together “Yes, everything. I like everything about you”

Bellamy sat up and gave her a mischievous smile. “Like?” He prompted.

“Like your perfect muscles. Can I touch?”

“Sure, what else?”

She touched his upper arms and felt his muscles flex. “Wow, I never knew how big and firm they were. How did you get them to be so perfect? No too scrawny and not too bulgy?”

“I work out”

Her hands continued onto his chest, exploring his pecs and his stomach. Her touches were feather like and Bellamy was enjoying them so much that he allowed her to continue.

Suddenly she stopped her exploration and looked at him with excitement. “You know what? I wish I could draw you.” Then, in a disappointed voice she continued “But I don’t have anything to draw you with”

“How about we come back another day with your drawing stuff?”

“You’d do that? You’d let me draw you?”

“If it makes you happy, then yeah, sure.”

“Thanks.”

“Don’t thank me yet, I may change my mind”

“No, you won’t”

Bellamy smiled at her indulgently, then looked at the basket “I guess we better head back before they have dinner without us”  
They both got up, Bellamy carried the basket and Clarke carried the blanket. He held out his hand and she took it as they made their way back to their friends. When they got to the open field, Bellamy suddenly pushed her up against a tree and pinned her to it with his body.

Clarke gasped at the suddenness of the move. She could feel his strong body encompassing hers and she liked the feel of it. She knew he wanted to kiss her but she wasn’t going to expect it this time. One disappointment was enough for today.

Bellamy stared at her mouth hungrily. His head moved down to where his lips almost touched hers. But again, he felt panic rise within him. So, instead of kissing her, he pulled her towards him and held her tight as he buried his face in the crook of her neck. He then let go and turned his back to her and yelled “FUCK!!!”

He turned to face her “I’m sorry Clarke, I really want to kiss you, but I…. just… can’t”

She put her hand on his face “It’s OK.” She tried to reassure him.

“No. It’s not OK. I really thought I was ready.”

He looked defeated and it broke her heart. “Bellamy, I had a great time being with you. Today was a brave step for you to take and I am really happy you did. A kiss would have been nice, but it is not essential. It is another step for you to take and when you’re ready, I’m sure it will be mind blowing.”

Her words gave him hope and eased his mind. He moved back and smiled at her, she smiled back. He then offered her his hand again and hand in hand they went back to their sleeping quarters for quick showers and a change of clothes.

Before she entered her room she turned to face him, “Thank you for today, I had a great time” then she got on her tiptoes and kissed him on the cheek.

He wrapped his arms around her body and hugged her. They both held on to each other as if they couldn’t bear to be parted.   
He moved back a little saying “You’re welcome” before turning and going to his room.

After Bellamy left Clarke to go have a shower, he felt like he was on top of the world. They spent the day together and it was easy and uncomplicated, until he tried to kiss her that is. He really thought he could. Everything he achieved that day suddenly didn’t matter, and not being able to kiss her was all he could think about.

He went to have a shower feeling angry and disappointed with himself for his inability to kiss Clarke. He wanted to and he knew she wanted it too, specially since he saw her staring at his body hungrily. But his anxiety stopped him.

His head was full of questions. Why did his anxiety return when he hadn’t suffered from it for over a month? Why couldn’t he kiss Clarke when the pull he felt towards her was so strong? It couldn’t be about the rape, he was sure he had recovered from that ordeal, or could it?

After finishing his shower, he got dressed but he found that he didn’t want to go to dinner. He really wasn’t in the mood to answer his friends’ inquisitive questions about his date with Clarke. He also found that he couldn’t face Clarke. She was so understanding and supportive that he just couldn’t face the disappointment in her face.

But if he didn’t go, more questions will be raised and they’re all gonna be worried about him and start treating him with kit gloves again. He would really hate that. He had come too far for things to go pear shaped again.

So, what could he do? He’s damned if he goes and he’s damned if he doesn’t.

He decided to go and have dinner with everyone and then make up an excuse and so he can leave straight after dinner. He plastered a smile on his face before opening he door and making his way to the mess hall.

Once there, he smiled at everyone and acted as if nothing was bothering him. When dinner was over he thanked Murphy and Emori for the meal.

They both smiled at him. But then he addressed everyone “I’m not feeling too great. Sorry guys, I’m just gonna call it a night”  
Everyone said good night and he quickly made his way to his room. Of course, Clarke knew something was wrong, so she followed him.

“Bellamy, wait” she called out to him.

He stopped and turned around to face her.

“Are you sick? Or are you still upset about what happened earlier?” She asked him bluntly.

“I am not feeling too crash hot. A bit of a headache that’s all”

“Do you want me to examine you? To see if anything is wrong?”

“No Clarke. It’s just a headache. I’ll just sleep it off. If I’m still feeling sick tomorrow, you can examine me then. OK?”

She nodded.

“Goodnight Clarke”

“Goodnight Bellamy”


End file.
